Misery loves company, but that doesn’t mean it wants to hang out with the whole gay population. I confess, I was once a miserable gay man, and I still am from time to time. But, for the most part I’ve found practices for staying mindful about the things that pull me under. Believe me, it’s not easy staying clear of the misery pit; but, it’s even harder to climb out of it, so I choose to stay as far from it as I can.
What I find ironic is how many of my gay brothers thrive in misery. I’m not sure why they love it so much and throw happiness right out the window. Maybe it’s because we’ve all had our own version of the Real House Lives of Gay Men after living in the closet for so long. Then, once we’re out, a lot of us still live in misery—sometimes just by habit, but other times, completely by choice.
So, if misery is your thing, I’m here to help you stay unhappy and unfilled. Here are some golden tips for how to win at being the most miserable gay man on Earth:
1. Embrace self-loathing
The more you pick at and critique yourself, the better you’ll get at believing you’re not good enough. The more reasons you find to self-loathe, the deeper your sense of lack of worth will grow, so keep-on-keepin’-on with that “I’m no good, I’m no good” self-talk. Of course, you could quit listening to that nonsense … if you wanted to.
2. Keep competing with Tom, Dick, and Harry
Yes, it’s doing you a world of good trying to match Tom’s 6-pack abs while barely making those monthly payments on your Mercedes (which, of course, you needed to one-up Dick). Let’s not forget that African Safari you’re going on, because if you don’t, Harry will tell everyone you’re in financial hardship.
Have fun, sounds wonderful. Sleep well, princess! Or … tell Tom, Dick, and Harry to go stuff it (in a loving way).
3. Always pretend
It’s okay, everyone else is doing it, too. Here’s the deal: the more you fake loving yet another drunken summer weekend on Fire Island, the more you can surround yourself with others pretending they love another drunken summer weekend on Fire Island, too.
God forbid anyone should actually honestly say, “Let’s not go,” and just enjoy a quiet-conscious weekend close to home for a change.
4. Set your compass on “someday”
You know that little ditty about “Someday my prince/ship/fortune will come”? Well, everyone knows that living in the future is the best ticket to nowhere. And since your “someday” may never arrive … that’s okay. Just keep procrastinating.
Or, maybe, just maybe … kick your life into action and do something about creating the life you want NOW.
5. That Judge Judy thing is working for you
Here’s a thought, if you had a dollar for every judgment you drop out about someone else, you’d probably have the cash to pay for your someday to show up right now. The truth is, everyone else knows that your constant judging of others just reflects your own insecurities—with no hair gel or facial cream to cover up the blemishes.
Now, that’s a pretty look for you, isn’t it?
6. Trust no one
I mean, you’ve got every reason to never trust a soul again, right? Thanks to all the guys in high school gym who insisted you were queer and made sure the whole school knew it. Or, thanks to the last guy you dated who said you are, “More than he ever dreamed of having”—and then promptly dumped you.
Of course, all of these guys (and a slew of others) taught you how to work your distrust muscle like you do your glutes. At least with your bubble butt, you can bounce a quarter off of it … but, left all alone in your I Trust No One Fortress, no one will ever see how cute that trick truly is.
7. Be the boss of everything
Control is sexy … NOT. Being the master of your own destiny is a valiant, inspiring dream until the control freak in you halts the natural, spontaneous unfolding of your universal life plan. And that sound good, right? So, definitely be a control freak!
Although … becoming the master of letting life be what it’s meant to be is a rather studly move, also (especially when you wear your leather chaps).
8. Bromance first, romance second
Yes, your peeps (your boys, your girls, whatever you call them) are truly people you can’t live without … until you discover you’re not truly living (and neither are they). The next time you sigh to yourself and think, Okay, here we go. Another night with the boys at the bar, maybe consider the company you’re keeping and ask, “Are they really right for me?”
But, (warning! warning!) only ask that question if you’re ready to step into a more fulfilling way of living.
9. Believe everything you think
Hello! Clearly you have everything figured out. And, as we all know, your thoughts are the gospel truth (and we promise not to forget it). After all, just because that cute guy at the gym said, “Nice abs,” doesn’t necessarily mean he meant they look nice on you. He was probably referring to them looking good on a guy who doesn’t take care of himself. That sounds logical.
So, yes, please keep buying into your own self-defeating thoughts.
10. Be afraid. Be very afraid!
Like, of everything … because there’s nothing to not be afraid of in your life. Your $500 Prada shoes are definitely going to get destroyed. And the $5,000 splurge trip to South Beach—complete with private cabana boy—will most certainly be swallowed alive by Hurricane Simon. And, for all intents and purposes, the guy you’ve been seeing consistently for the last three months (who is pretty darn great, btw) is plotting right now to quit texting and calling the moment you finish reading this article.
So, there’s no need to look fear in the face and scream “Be gone!” No one has ever successfully faced their fears before, so why should you start?
Make a different choice?
Of course, all of these misery-loving tips aside, there is another alternative you could, maybe, possibly take if you find yourself depressed, anxious, and unfulfilled in your gay life (and are actually kind of tired of it). It’s called action! And it involves only ONE tip—doing something every day that transforms each of these miserable habits into “Man, I love my life” practices.
So, stay miserable … or, not. The choice is yours!