The Best Pokémon Of All Time, Objectively Speaking

Here’s the deal: The other day I decided to start a new game in Pokemon Black 2, the most recent Pokémon game. In doing some research before beginning, I discovered that there are 649 Pokémon to date. Six hundred and forty-nine. That is way too many Pokémon.

 At this point in my life, there’s no way I have enough time to weigh and counter-weigh the tactical positives and negatives of every combination of 649 Pokémon. And there’s certainly no way these new Pokémon are as badass, or as well thought out as they were in the original 151.

 So, without further ado, here is my list of the top ten Pokémon of all time, taken from the original 151, the only generation that mattered.

Eeevee

Pokémon
Pokémon

Eeevee is a fascinating little Pokémon: gender-ambiguous, lightning fast, and aggravatingly ambivalent. I say aggravatingly ambivalent because of the inherent internal debate that comes with being an Evee trainer – if you have any Pokémon experience at all, you’ll know that I am, of course referring to the eternal question “Fire, Water, or Electricity?” Or in Eeevee’s case, “Flareon, Jolteon, or Vaporeon?” That’s right, Noobs, Eeevee has three possible evolutions, and YOU get to pick which it becomes. While there are certainly pros and cons to each form, except Flareon, which has absolutely no pros – well, maybe if you’re a girl, and like fluffy things more than raw speed or a badass move set – Eeevee most certainly deserves a tip of the cap for the undeniable potential contained within its Genetic sequence – no other Pokémon gives the player the ability to defy the gods of the poke-verse and dictate which evolutionary path its humble servant shall take, and for that, Eeevee, we thank you.

Cubone

Pokémon
Pokémon

Let me tell you why Cubone belongs on this list: if you didn’t know, Cubone are actually incapable of reproducing. They are the offspring of the Pokémon, Marowak, who is allegedly its mother and apparently reproduces asexually. In Pokémon Red and Blue, the Cubone appear in the most depressing place in all of Kanto – Lavender Town’s Pokémon Tower, which is the less frightening way of saying Lavender Town’s Graveyard Haunted By The Spirits Of Dead Pokémon And Populated By Crazy Pigeon Ladies Who Moan And Scream Incoherent Nonsense At You Before Challenging You To Battle. The Cubone are said to populate this tower due to the fact that the spirit of a (the only?) deceased Marowak has taken up residence inside. Cubone is essentially the equivalent of an orphan who has taken refuge at his mother’s gravestone, fighting off intruders who seek to disturb the sanctity of his mother’s eternal slumber. That’s some heart wrenching stuff, Cubone. I know you don’t have a home in Kanto, but the least I can do for ruthlessly destroying the last vestige of your mother’s spirit time and time again is give you a home on this list.

Koffing

Pokémon
Pokémon

Koffing is, to this day, a fan favorite – not surprising given that the only people who still play the original Pokémon games are huge stoners, and Koffing looks zoinked out of his face. What most people don’t know about Koffing is that this Pokémon is very possibly an allegory for the Chernobyl Disaster, which struck ten years before the release of Pokémon Red and Blue. Koffing abound in the power plant off the coast of Cerulean City, a plant which was deserted in the wake of some tragic happening, leaving behind – much like the Children of Chernobyl – only the smog-infested Pokémon that habitated nearby and have since sought shelter within its walls. Koffing’s glazed over look and smoke exhumation while laughably pothead-like, are, in all possible reality, due to extreme radiation infection and smoke-sickness. Koffing may actually be a message to the world that we must not turn a blind eye to global disaster, using it as fodder for our humor cannons. No, we must venture out to these devastated regions ourselves with noble purpose, and capture the victims as slaves; to pit them against one another in vicious battle repeatedly until they pass out, only to revive them in nearby hospitals and repeat the process.

Mewtwo

Pokémon
Pokémon

Obviously Mewtwo. Mewtwo is like the Liam Neison of Pokémon. Like Bryan Mills (Taken), Ra’s Al Ghul (Batman Begins) & Oscar Schindler (Schindler’s List) all rolled up into one telekinetic mega-pimp. Water Pokémon can’t even enter battle with him without first using squirt. I respect Mewtwo so much that I save my master ball until the end of the unknown dungeon, only to waste it on the first random Pokémon I encounter in his chamber, just so he knows I could have captured him the easy way but instead chose to engage him in glorious combat for the two and a half hours it takes to catch that slick turkey using only poke balls.

Lickitung

Pokémon
Pokémon

Lickitung is a Pokémon that I definitely feel conflicted about putting on here, but he makes me feel, and that’s what’s important. In any sort of combat situation, any sort, you can pretty much be assured that Lickitung will be about as useful as Gordon Freeman in a ‘don’t be the most badass video game character of all time’ contest. However, I still have a ton of respect for Lickitung. Because he quite literally goes around licking every hot girl he sees. That takes some serious stones. And it’s not like Lickitungs are unintelligent like dogs, or cats, or other animals that just lick things willy-nilly: Lickitungs can enunciate three distinct syllables. No excuses there – he’s just incredibly bold. He sees a girl he thinks is hot and he waltzes his way over to her like, “Listen, Tutz, I’m going to lick you now, and I’m gonna say my name a LOT while I do it. Prepare yourself.” You can’t hate on that kind of flavor. Mad props, Lickitung. Mad props.

Psyduck

Pokémon
Pokémon

Ducks rule, end of story. Best animal ever. Ducks are easily the most noble and under-appreciated creatures in all the animal kingdom: they’re hilarious and adorable, they utilize team-building strategies way more efficiently than most humans, and I’m told they are delicious. They literally could not get better. Psyduck is a representational tribute to the glory that is the duck specie. Except mallards – mallards are dicks. Golduck was probably a mallard; he was a pretty disappointing evolution.

Ditto

Pokémon
Pokémon

Honestly, I just feel bad for Ditto. I’m not sure if you’re aware of the lore surrounding them – here’s a quick recap: in the original Pokémon, Dittos could only be found in the abandoned Cinnabar Island research facility or in the unknown dungeon, home of Mewtwo. Cinnabar Island is where mad poke-scientists (evil-mad, not like, “maaaad poke-scientists, yo”) performed unethical cloning experiments on Mew fossils, ultimately resulting in the creation of Mewtwo (the only known successful Mew clone). It is largely believed that since the Ditto can only be found at these Mew-related sites, and since Mew and Ditto are the only Pokémon who learn the ‘transform’ ability naturally, the Ditto are just hordes of failed Mew clones. But the only move Ditto can use is transform… Think about that for a second. They are just shapeless failure-blobs wandering around aimlessly, waiting for ANY Pokémon trainer to engage them in combat just so they can escape their torturous existence by immediately transforming into the first Pokémon that trainer sends out. An entire Pokémon sub-specie, which is essentially a sentient glob of mutant retard jelly screaming, “KILL ME, FOR THE LOVE OF OAK KILL ME NOW!” Kanto is a seriously messed up place.

MissingNo

Pokémon
Pokémon

MissingNo is probably my favorite Pokémon on this list. It is a god-like entity that can only be encountered through a specific in-game glitch you, the player, need to cause, consequently opening a tear in the fabric of our reality and unleashing the poke-megazord that is MissingNo on our realm. He is literally a being from another dimension, only referred to as MissingNo because even the pokedex in all its eternal wisdom is incapable of assigning it a serial number. Also, MissingNo has THE HIGHEST attack stat of any Pokémon in Red or Blue – couple that with the fact that he has the lowest defense stat, and what you get is a raging multi-demsional murder-train with no regard for his own safety, just a bloodthirsty lust for death. Its visage is so overwhelmingly majestic that it cannot be portrayed by a mere 8-bits, causing it to appear in game only as a pixilated blur. I can only assume that if technology were to advance to a point where MissingNo could be realistically portrayed, our eyeballs and skin would melt off immediately upon viewing it, Raiders Of The Lost Ark style.

Snorlax

Pokémon
Pokémon

If I could be any Pokémon, I’d pick Snorlax in a heartbeat. He just sleeps all the time – and he sleeps outside, which is boss. His size is incredibly intimidating – so much so that other Pokémon dare not mess with him whilst he slumbers for fear they will incur his wrath. To top it off, the only thing he willingly wakes up for are some dope ass tunes. I know some trainers who have done things they are not proud of to obtain a Pokeflute, just so they could have the honor of seeing a Snorlax awake and in person. Snorlax is so ice cold that he deliberately sleeps in the entryways of well-travelled paths and caves, simply to assert his dominance over life. It’s so bold that it has the audacity to nap WHILE IN BATTLE WITH OTHER POKEMON: It uses ‘Rest,’ falls asleep for two turns, and regains all of it’s health, leaving whichever Pokémon has the unfortunate pleasure of being in combat with it to futilely molest its sleeping body in an attempt to win by KO before the inevitable terror-inducting awakening, where Snorlax requires murder to remedy it’s bad mood.

Magikarp

Pokémon
Pokémon

The subject of Magikarp, and therefore its appearance on this list, is a highly controversial one: Magikarp is widely known as the most useless Pokémon in all existence – it has one move (and cannot be taught moves via the use of TMs or HMs) which does no damage, inflicts no status effects on an enemy, and has no benefits for the user. The only conceivable rational use of a Magikarp is as a dummy in combat while you desperately heal all of your other already fainted Pokémon in a last ditch effort not to white out and get half your coin purse jacked by whichever immoral trainer you are battling.

However, deep within the soul of a Magikarp, there lurks a demon… A beast so gnarly and vicious that most Pokémon can’t help but Poke-poot in terror at the mere sight of it before cowardly fleeing to the sanctity of their Pokeballs. I am, of course, referring to Magikarp’s evolution, Gyarados. So, you ask, why do I put Magikarp on this list and not his pants-tent inducing counterpart? One reason; one specific moment – odds are this has only happened a handful of times since the inception of Pokémon, and it’s doubtful that anything so powerful has been felt before or after since the universe became sentient.

Imagine if you will, that it’s 1996. You are a humble Japanese fourth grader (I believe this was the most popular Pokémon demographic at the time of it’s release). You do your coursework, get good grades, have a loving relationship with your parents, and you have a great group of friends. Pokémon has been out for a few weeks, and you and your friends are all borderline-obsessed with it.

They all laugh at you for having a Magikarp in your party; a wasted slot that could be given to a Pokémon that might actually be useful. But you love your little Magikarp – sure, he seems useless, but he’s gotten you out of some tough situations by absorbing damage while you’ve healed your party, and you even find him kind of cute. Slowly, his levels have increased through seeing battle, however rarely, until one day… One day when – after you exit a harrowing poke-duel in which you had to rely once more on your faithful Magikarp – you’re expecting your screen to revert to whichever region of Kanto you were in at the time, a different screen appears… The evolution screen! “But who could be evolving?” you ask yourself, dumbfounded. “No one leveled up in this battle… No one except…” And then it hits you: MAGIKARP IS EVOLVING. You have no idea into what, no one does. Since the release of Pokémon no one has been dumb enough to keep a Magikarp in their party long enough to find out if it evolved or not – No one except you, you poke-freaking-prodigy.

You watch as your little punching bag, the one who everyone called you an idiot for keeping, the one who the entire world was laughing at is slowly enshrouded in evolution pixie-dust… And then it settles. You’re speechless – moved beyond words at the sight of the ephemeral beauty of the dragon lord that stands before you. Your eyes bulge and your heart races at the prospect of the rampant poke-murder spree on which you are about to embark as soon as you can remember where you left your stupid link cable, and you know, deep down within your soul, that you have discovered truly and perfectly awesome. God damn, Magikarp rocks. TC mark

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