Last night at Tanglewood was terrific. Listening to the Boston Symphony play Mussorgsky’s Pictures at an Exhibition and being near my new friends on our picnic blankets, I experienced what seemed like a moment of pure happiness and tried to sear it into my memory, for days in the future when I’m feeling down.
When we took our stuff out of the dryer, Matt and I had a problem figuring out whose black t-shirts and white briefs were whose.
I got in a few hours’ sleep, and in the morning we made love. Am I an insensitive oaf, playing with Ronna’s feelings? There can never be any future for us because of my gayness, and I’ve never led Ronna to believe anything else – yet I feel guilty because I’m afraid that her feelings for me will lead her to get hurt.
She was so soaked that she had to get out of her wet clothes and she ended up spending the night. We had a fine evening, actually, with me and Amira fooling around with each other – I am really attracted to her. Amira is my “type,” but she likes Hispanic hunks, and I’m decidedly not one.
In the bedroom, I put on the TV, but we didn’t pay much attention to it. We hugged and kissed and fondled and tickled and wrestled and did everything but intercourse, and we stopped only because we both decided we didn’t want to go that far. Still, sex isn’t just intercourse, it’s intimacy, and I have no complaints at all about tonight.
It’s past midnight. Justin just left. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve had thoughts of getting involved sexually with him, but tonight I realized that I’m not really attracted to Justin and that there should be something more important in a relationship than mere availability. It didn’t feel right, and I trust my instincts.
Last night Juliana came over and we watched American Gigolo, which she found unbearably romantic and which I saw as pretty and vapid. Although she gives the impression of being a Manhattan-sophisticated, no-nonsense lawyer, in some ways Juliana is like a naïve schoolgirl, with unrealistic expectations of life and other people.
She told me that she doesn’t think she’ll get back with Jordan permanently, though it’s obvious she cares for him a great deal and probably vice versa. I told Ronna to come back with me to Teresa’s “and I’ll seduce you,” and she said, “Do it.” We agreed beforehand not to have intercourse, so it was kind of silly, as if we were again adolescents petting. . . but it was very sweet.
It’s obvious our attraction to each other hasn’t faded. I love seeing all my old friends in New York, but with Ronna, it’s different: my heart leaps a little. I went out with her to the bagel bakery on 80th Street and then walked her back home to 95th Street. She gave me a bagel and a kiss at the door.
Even though my life has been more transient than that of anyone I know, right now I don’t mind moving around. Each time I leave an apartment, it becomes easier and yet a little sadder because of that. . . I love Florida, but I’m excited about living on the Upper West Side for a few weeks.