Even Though I’m With Him, I Can’t Stop Thinking About You

Alan Labisch
Alan Labisch

Sleeping on his shoulder, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.

He was the guy I actually deserved but you were different. It’s been 4 months but why is it that I’m still clinging onto the past? “I’ve moved on, I don’t love him anymore, he treated me like shit and it wasn’t even a relationship, STOP OVERTHINKING.” Saying this over and over and over again didn’t make me feel any better. If anything, I felt like I was in mutiny, fighting my feelings. He asked me about you sometimes, if you’re still on my head but I’m not sure if I was reassuring him or myself. Why are we addicted to the wrong things? Why do I feel a need to be treated that way? Is it the memories or the way he made me feel during those 10 months? Regardless of whatever happened between us, you’re still that special to me.

You made me feel like Christmas morning; full of warmth and hugs and surprises. Well, at least you used to. I often heard the phrase, “what lights fast, burns out quickly.” I guess that’s what happened with us. Yeah, we were insecure, but it was only because the thought of sharing you scared me. I loved the way you were, and I loved that only I knew that side of you because I didn’t want anyone else to see how imperfect your perfection was. I wanted us to last. I wanted to fill you with all the love I could harbor, and accept all your flaws and mistakes, but you wouldn’t let me, and trust me, I tried. You had this wall that I couldn’t through. I tried so hard but ultimately, I gave up trying to get inside your head, trying to make a place for myself in your life. 10 months in, I realized that I didn’t deserve to be like a second option. And that’s when I made the hardest decision in my life; I hurt myself more than I hurt you but you failed to realize how much you hurt me for me to finally do this.

2 weeks later when I finally saw you, the feelings rushed back in but the way you treated me kicked me in the guts and I felt lower than I already was.

Then I met him; he made me feel like home, and I wanted to capture that feeling. It was nice to not think of you, it made me feel sane. He made me forget you, but I questioned my feelings for him; knowing he was too good for me, that I probably needed to run back to what broke me. But eventually, that too did pass. A month later I hear that you’re with her, and I couldn’t even look at you. I knew what went on in your head; I knew you inside out. But you weren’t my concern anymore. I knew I wasn’t yours, so I didn’t bother, until you started commenting on my relationship. I was the passive amongst the two of us, but I couldn’t take the abuses anymore. I don’t know why I felt bad while sending those emails to you, I almost felt sorry for you. Because that’s when I realized I broke you. I felt like sending a thousand messages, apologizing but they said don’t, because that would just feed your ego. I needed to cut you off, it was toxic for me; so, I did, and it felt good. Until, now.

It’s been 4 months with him now, and he doesn’t give me a reason to be insecure, he calls me up a gazillion time just because, he makes me feel like I’m wanted, that I’m enough for him. But why am I still wondering what went wrong with us? Is it the memories that haunt me or you? I couldn’t figure it out. I didn’t want things to end that way between us, it was torture for me. I missed you as a person and I know the feelings were reciprocated. But I wasn’t going to apologize to you. So, I stayed quiet, waiting for this phase to pass by, like all the other phases. And he helped me with it, by feeding me with love and acceptance. I loved him with all my heart, not only for the way he treated me, but for the kind of person he was and how he loved me whole.

The memories with you eventually faded away, but even though you weren’t on my mind, the void that you excavated took a lot of time to fill but I’m glad he hasn’t given up on me. You still have a place in my heart, not where you resided earlier, but a different place. I need closure, to get on with my life. And if I could sum up my feelings for you now I’d just say, I’m sorry. TC mark

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