I’ve learned we love in stages. It cushions our descent into the unknown, preparing us for the scary awakening. The first to recognize true love is the soul. It feels that slight tug toward its newly found compliment. Like the polarity of a magnet it pulls. Subconsciously it tells us to get closer, to stay in our lovers orbit.
So we probe, we explore, we spend time getting familiarized with this newfound piece of ourselves slowly forgetting what was, wasn’t or could’ve been. We become consumed with the present, suddenly more beautiful than our memories and expectations. My soul loved you the moment you got close enough for it to sense you. It was sort of a “Hey there old friend”. It wanted to tell you “my oh my, you don’t know how long I have been searching for you,” but instead a simple hello would suffice. My soul looked into yours and saw it all: the good things, the hidden things and the not so easy things and it was okay. I wanted it all.
The soul is good at keeping this private; knowing the brain and the heart can be cowardly at times. Too cowardly to accept something of this magnitude, too skeptical due to the times it went wrong. So every time I felt my hands reach out to touch you, I would scold myself. I would ask myself, what in the world has come over me? Consciously, I didn’t know you that well but subconsciously I knew you all too well. I was saying things I normally wouldn’t, noticing things I normally couldn’t, caring in a way I never have.
This is how it was for us. I trusted you before I had reason to, loved you before I even knew what it would mean for me. I said “you are being careless right now. You should be guarded, you should be afraid.” But I wasn’t, I couldn’t be. You weren’t a stranger; our souls knew each other all along.
Eventually the heart caught on. With every kiss, I felt my heart plunder, with every goodbye I found it harder to let go. I felt soft and breakable but also strong and beautiful. I felt the pace of my heart quicken at the sight of you and then slow down to match your own whenever I was near you. I felt the emptiness when I couldn’t be by your side and I felt it overflow with joy when we held hands that first time. I scoffed at my self. I was acting like a little girl. But there was nothing wrong with loving you with that innocence, that blind trust, because my heart knew.
The last to catch on, but the strongest factor was the brain. This is the one that gives us reasons, tangible evidence to go along with the onslaught of irrational feelings. I took note as you fought for me. As you put your pride aside during the difficult times to make sure we remained okay. When your protective side would come out in defense of my happiness. The way you picked up on things as if you were in my head, as if we were one. The way you made sure I knew whatever this was it wasn’t temporary.
You opened your life to me and never made me feel like an outsider although I was merely a stranger. But most of all the way you let me be me and found ways to love me for it rather than change me. You magnified my strengths and overlooked my weaknesses.
And once all three were made aware, mind, body, and soul I was a goner. Completely yours.
I always wondered why they used such a negative word to go along with love.
“Falling,” as if you’re headed for some inevitable doom.
But perhaps it is the phenomena of things falling together, things falling into place, the soul, the heart and brain finally falling into sync.
Falling into you.