I Don’t Want To Be Carrie Bradshaw

Dude, she’s crazy.

And I don’t mean normal, run-of-the-mill, that time of the month crazy; I mean really fucking batshit. It probably has something to do with the fact that the show is about her, so structurally she’s always the one tying the episodes together, but I’m just going to set that little fact aside and push onwards.

Like, if I knew that woman in real life, I’d be kind of scared and maintain a safe but still involved social distance, the kind where I see her at parties, we talk and drink at glossy social gatherings, rarely in the sunlight and she’s much more useful as a conversation topic than a close confidante. I love her but I don’t Love her.

I would give a mini-girl-shriek of excitement just about every single time I approached a party and saw her outside smoking, my Pavlovian response to seeing her (nose) face, and she would shriek back and tell me if there are cute guys at the party.

My friends would look at each other in slight confusion, because right before we ran into her, I had been saying, “You know, Ben, works with Akashi…yeah, so they go out like twice, and then he catches her trashing his place, trying to break the lock on a private box… you know why? Because she wanted to ‘find the freak’ in him, like seriously–isthather?—howcrazycanyougetamirightoramiright?… Omgah Carrie, hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!”

How about the time she actually yells at Charlotte for not offering to loan her money to buy her apartment from Aiden? I know, I know, it’s got to be frustrating when you really only have three friends, so it’s a big deal when two of them do something and one does not, but come on. It is just Such a Non-Issue. The rant she gives Charlotte is ridiculous, most of which is some self-righteous bullshit about how she’s been such a great listener.

I’d be so, so annoyed if someone—nay, my best friend—did that to me. I’d stand there, jaw dropped, eyebrows arched, wait for them to calm down and say, “…Seriously? This is happening right now? So, we’re in… high school…” Which is something, if I were Carrie Bradshaw, I would be saying all the fucking time.

For example, she needs to rip apart a very loose-looking wedding dress to avoid a panic attack. If I were she, I’d be gravely concerned over the fact that, apparently, I was not even slightly aware that I did not want to be married. Panic attacks are scary, very true, but come on. If you’re getting them this severely after the age of thirty, it’s time to get real, see a therapist and talk about some issues.

She stalks Natasha and then invites herself to sit down at Natasha’s lunch, just so she could say what she had to say about, not ending, but really helping to end Natasha’s and Big’s marriage. Even as a teen watching this episode, I was thinking, “what the fuck, Natasha doesn’t give a flying shit about Carrie’s search for closure!” When this shit would happen in high school, it usually resulted in a swift punch to the face. Moreover, not only could this have been done over e-mail, it could have waited, oh, I don’t know, another few years.

She actually confronts people based on looks they give her, instead of just forgetting it happened, like the rest of us. Case in point: Aiden’s more recent ex, a total stranger, who she runs into twice and both times the girl does that raised eyebrow, “Oh… You” look. Annoying. But that’s it; it’s just annoying. No need, Carrie, to pull her aside when you see her at the flea market and go into a ‘you don’ know me!’ tirade, before she’s even said anything.

Honorable mentions of inappropriate behavior: She attacks Big after their first dinner date about hiding her from his friends. She tracks down and meets his ex-wife. She spies on Big and his mom, after, I don’t know, a month of dating.

This woman is a champion of wasted time and energy.

Look, I get it; Carrie’s craziness is relatable. We all have moments of insanity and it’s why we like her so much, why we write articles and have conversations on ‘who gets to be Carrie Bradshaw’. But fact of the matter is, here is a character that is not unlike her more openly stereotypical peers—Rachel from Friends, Grace from Will & Grace, et cetera—in that her self-absorption and obsession with men consumes her entirely, the only difference being that she talks openly about it.

Honestly, it just sounds exhausting. Like Miranda said, either they’re out dating men or they’re out talking about them. And when Carrie’s not doing either of those, she’s writing about them or thinking about them while shoe shopping. She’s like a sixteen-year-old who just got PMS for the first time, totally thinks she saw Sandee Hendricks holding her crush’s hand, got into a fight with her parents about curfew and has decided to give John Beekman an HJ in the locker room because she got a detention for skipping and is feeling rebellious… All. The. Time.

When it comes to relationships (ha), she’s the one who decides to run through the other person’s field of intimacy landmines just to see if they go off, instead of, you know, taking that other pretty dangerous road of mutual growth over to the left. That’s her biggest problem, that despite her ‘modern’ frankness about relationships, she’s a whiny, inconsiderate child, who never seems to get it through her head that other people, besides herself, come with baggage and issues and pain and sadness. She’s petulant, impatient and controlling; she has to drag out all issues immediately and explosively to make sure Mr. X is perfect and if not, gets the fuck out.

So, so immature. Is it really possible that there are so many women who want to be like Carrie, who can’t lay back and enjoy the moment, because they have to, they need to lock down a man?

And it got me thinking… maybe I do want to be Carrie?

Hahahaha, just kidding. TC mark

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  • ramou

    I have been trying to articulate my complicated feelings on Carrie Bradshaw (I even do the I wanna strangle you move when I say/type her name) for years. Years. You did a wonderful job. I mean, I'm still gonna watch this shit On Demand with a bottle of wine this weekend. But you know.

  • Jordan

    My first thought was, oh crap not another rebuttal post, and a Carrie Bradshaw one at that.  Granted, I have never seen the show so it might not hit home for me.  My second thought was, oh crap not Reya!  I like her!

    My third thought, post writing, was good job :).  I think it's mainly because you strike a chord I like, one where you actually value being reasonable and healthy, where you don't have to be BATSHIT INSANE to be interesting.  I may be projecting but that's just what I gather from your pieces thus far.

    4 for 4.  No pressure.

  • http://someharddrugs.blogspot.com Carolyn DeCarlo

    carrie can be such a sweetie though! what about the time she bought berger a new sound machine, or the time she orchestrated an 'old new york' night for big before he left for napa (“if you're tired, you take a napa you don't move to napa!”)? or the time she let miranda break her water on her new choos? aww, memories.

    • Courtney

      Didn't she buy a new sound machine because she wanted to outdo Berger's old girlfriend/didn't like the sounds on it? Didn't she orchestrate the Old New York night because she wanted to sleep with Big (again)? Didn't she just happen to have her new choos under Miranda when her water broke. Granted she didn't shout at her but she did moan about it and the fact that Miranda going into labour meant she couldn't bang Big (again).

      • Courtney

        Basically (sorry for not concluding),  I'm saying she's not a sweetie but a self-centred cow (or horse if you will). She is actually quite despicable most of the time; to her friends, boyfriends and even strangers. I love ALL her shoes though and still dream about that pink la Renta Petrovsky got Oscar to send her.

      • http://someharddrugs.blogspot.com Carolyn DeCarlo

        congratulations, you picked up on my sarcasm (oh, wait…) and spelled out the points i was making for anyone who missed them. for the record, i do find carrie to be endearing (and i'm always “her” when my friends play that insipid game), but there's no doubt she can be, has to be, quite self-centered. hey, at least you've seen these episodes despite all your hang-ups about Carrie :)

  • LadyBigStick

    Long-time lurker, registered JUST to comment on this article! My friend and I have embarrassingly extensive conversation about just how much Carrie stretches the limits of her friends, her lovers, and plausibility in general. I always thought that yelling at Charlotte for not loaning her money was a major red-flag: who did Carrie think she was? Charlotte was my least favorite but she was dead right in this case: not her fault that Manolo Blahnik has Carrie's rent money. But also, said friend and I have a theory that Big was secretly slipping money into Carrie's accounts every now and again so, wash, I guess?

    • http://twitter.com/jennifersussex Jennifer Sussex

      good reporting!

  • http://profiles.google.com/mcblaloc Meghan Blalock

    AWESOME.

  • Kelsey

    Maybe you don't want to be Carrie, but even fictionally, she is a better writer than you. I don't understand why you wrote like a 15-year-old while trying to prove you don't act like one.

    • chelseafagan

      That's true, this piece didn't integrate a shoe/blowjob pun every six words.

      Get it together, Reya.

    • reyaizyu

      see headline: i don't WANT to be carrie bradshaw

      no attempt to prove i don't act like i'm 15, only that i don't WANT to be.

      plus, i'm 13, so thanks! :)

      • bappada boopy

        hahaha awwww that made me laugh. and I agree with the article anyways (I'm 20) good job :D

  • Lauren

    I feel the same way. My absolute breaking point with Carrie however is when she makes a huge deal out of the bad look Natasha's friend gives her when they run into each other. She is all “Did you see how she looked at me, why would she look at me like that?” Um oh I don't know Carrie, maybe it is because you just had sex with Big knowing that he was with Natasha!!!! What the fuck is her problem! I wish she would grow the fuck up already, she actually acts like a sixteen-year-old brat. Granted, I can't stop watching. Maybe we love to hate her?

    • ramou

      It is most definitely a love/hate relationship. My hatred of Carrie led to almost being thrown out of a theatre during the SATC movie (the 1st one. I can't even talk about the 2nd one because I'm afraid to watch it.)  for yelling about what a fucking cunt she is when she blamed Miranda for Big leaving her at the altar. Like…for real, Carrie? We're doing this? And yet I've watched that movie 8 gat damned times! I am engaged in a toxic relationship with Carrie Bradshaw.

      • Courtney

        I  KNOW RIGHT. I was just like “Enough!”. I watched in on DVD with some friends and we had to pause it to dissect, discuss and deride the shit we were seeing. I can't believe Miranda even apologised to her. Fuck this, bitch! Miranda made a flippant angry comment (whilst going through a hard time herself, but obvs, Carrie don't give a shit) that wasn't even directed really to Carrie and Big and Carrie decides to publicly humiliate her apparently best friend in a restaurant, on Valentine's Day, when she's already feeling down because of a potential divorce and then ignore her. WHAT THE FUCK. It makes me so angry still. If I knew Carrie in real life she would be “The Girl” I would avoid at all costs for her relentless, unnecessary drama and lack of awareness of what it means to even be a friend, let alone a bestie.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=796930187 Arushi Khosla

        I agree Carrie can be kind of nutty but the bit about how she got mad at Charlotte? I don’t think that was entirely strange. I mean here Charlotte is, one of her BFFs with a shit ton of money from her divorce with the guy who couldn’t get it up and she can’t shell out some money to help her friend? I probably personally wouldn’t have said anything but it would’ve bothered me. 

  • Lauren

    I feel the same way. My absolute breaking point with Carrie however is
    when she makes a huge deal out of the bad look Natasha's friend gives
    her when they run into each other. She is all “Did you see how she
    looked at me, why would she look at me like that?” Um oh I don't know
    Carrie, maybe it is because you just had sex with Big knowing that he
    was with Natasha!!!! What the fuck is her problem! I wish she would grow
    the fuck up already, she actually acts like a sixteen-year-old brat.
    Granted, I can't stop watching. Maybe we love to hate her?

  • Jacqueline2194

    I love SATC but I can't STAND Carrie.  Every fucking 5 minutes she has a new “realization” about life and love that she should have figured out years ago.  Like, yes Carrie, you do have to work out your problems for yourself, you can't depend on others. Yes, communication is key to a healthy relationship.  Yes, being single every so often isn't the end of the world.  Yes.

  • :-|

    Irrelevant.

  • http://twitter.com/and_susan Susie Anderson

    totally agree with this article, still, going to watch satc s05e04 right now

  • Spoiledbjp

    I’m definitely Carrie. To the core. 

    I don’t see the difference between her and any of the 30+ year old women I encounter in my daily life. Newsflash: WE’RE ALL BATSHIT CRAZY.

    The other characters are also really psycho in their own ways.

  • http://twitter.com/thesilverdoe_ Belle Potter

    That was fricken awesome. 

  • Anonymous

    AH-mazing. Bravo totally agree! I always liked Samantha more :p

  • Azzy

    …Who the fuck is Carrie Bradshaw?

  • Kwnicullen

    She is crazy, yeah. Am I the only one who sees no problem in that? Crazy people are cool! I lobe Carrie and the way she thinks!

    • Kwnicullen

      I meant ‘love’ :P

  • http://antoinetteokaikoi.wordpress.com aokaikoi

    Reblogged this on antoinetteokaikoi and commented:
    certainly is a love and hate relationship with Carrie Bradshaw. The show is centered around her and the title, plot, character development make sense to why we fall in love with the characters.

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