I graduated 2 years ago and had been working since. My life was a brilliant, exhilarating view before my eyes. I have an exciting career. I am able to support my family. I am in a steady relationship. Everything is polished. Things are falling exactly as planned; my pacing slow, but sure- footed and upwardly mobile. And then, I got pregnant, at age 21.
It was a nightmare in my every waking day. I was at lost, had no sense of direction. The future clouded with doubt and fear. Every little bit of hope left me. The whole world crumbled down before me. And every shard and fragment of the ruins, cowered my feet, mocking me.
I was torn between the budding love for the little one and the uncertainty of what ‘should- be’ ahead. Should I do what is right and prove myself a good person after all the mistakes? Or should I rid myself of the surprise blow and be a good person, even just in my family’s eyes?
After having the pregnancy confirmed by two over- the-counter pregnancy tests and 1 doctor visit, I chose to be the girl with great potentials, chasing after her dreams, exampling perseverance and ambition in people’s eyes.
That Saturday I went back home, I guised all anxiety, careful not to give anyone a glimpse of the real chaos in my head. I went about the normal stuffs I do. I exhausted myself by playing with my niece and doing all sort of heavy chores I can. I massaged my abdomen. I prayed to bleed. Next day, I was still pregnant. I went to the gym, for the first time. I was tiring myself to the bones, forcing my body to push its limits, thinking it may expel all other unwanted things inside me. I used each and all equipment, not with the motivation of whistle worthy waist, which could have been my initial goal, given another circumstance. I ran in the treadmills aggressively, and it is not advised for gym newbies. I vomited thrice, and ran after each breath. I tried to do more but I could not anymore. I went home, and vomited for the fourth time, on the streets. I got home and lost consciousness. I woke up from the boisterous laughter my situation has inspired among our relatives. They thought it was funny I got that shitty after a 1-hour session in the gym. I chocked down my cries that night, because still, I am pregnant.
I reported to work on Monday with the burden pressing me down more. I can feel its weight on me every second, stealing every reason to live. I talked to my boss and to one of my closest friends/officemate. They told me everything will be okay soon, and this was exactly what I was expecting all others, except my family, to say. People tend to be encouraging and optimistic when they are not in the situation, truly. They were just being good people, that’s why. I was not at the least comforted because still, I am pregnant and it is a problem.
I researched about natural ways of abortion. Not only it was inexpensive, it is also safer since I have medical issues as well. I gobbled generic ascorbic acid, talked with little one to let go and allow me the future I’ve been working hard for, prayed I’d be spared this one. I waited, fervently, to feel a flow of wet, but it did not happen. I am pregnant.
I opened my door one night with my boyfriend in tears, hugging me, whispering he loves me so much and he loves the little one. He professed he wants us to be a family and is very scared I am putting myself in grave danger with what I was doing. It was then that I saw enlightenment. I pictured a frail, beautiful, glowing child in my arms, reliant on me for nurturance and love. There and then, it outflowed, the love that I have kept for this child, a love that I have veiled for so long because it might pull me back to doing what I wanted to do… to do things that will make me normal, successful and exemplary to others’ eyes, when in truth, I’ve covertly wished to be the best person in the world to that set of little eyes which would, somewhere soon, mirror the affection and hope I long for the imminent.
Then I prayed… genuinely prayed. For the duration of this trying time, I’ve implored for what I wanted to happen. I’ve required everything placed according to what I desire and how I desire it to be. I never questioned for what He has planned for me, for what reason is He letting this happen, for what He has in store for me and most importantly, for what He wants me to do now.
I could not ask for more than two things, after all that has happened. First, is that He blesses my baby with strong and healthy body. Secondly, and most importantly, is that He drives my life to where He wants me to be. I am surrendering all to the Lord, stripping myself of the pride, anger, guilt, covetousness, and ambition… baring to Him the naked, fragile child I have always been to Him.
God led me to a place where He wishes me to go to. I was shown the way to making things right. And at that moment, I know that with His guidance, I’ll never lose my way, and if I do, I’d always find the course back.
Telling the family was the most challenging. Though in my heart, I know that no matter what their reactions would be, I have made a righteous decision, an answer the Lord has provided me. And I know that because of the contentment and peace that I have inside.
It was my boyfriend who opened it up first to his family. The family took it as a pleasant surprise. They have expressed their support for my child and me. I was most grateful and elated. And offered to the one I owe to the most my infinite thanks.
Telling my family was the most crucial. I was raised by strict parents. And expectations were set high on me. Though it is a tough task, I wanted to face them, there and then, and come clean to them. I’ve done enough wrong, and I just want to get over the rising qualms, vexation and trepidation. There is a little bit of worry, but my God has told me my family loves me. And I have Him.
My mother requested a sit-down meeting with the whole family. There were questions and demands. But not a single word of blame, nor reproach and criticism were spoken. The disappointment, though evident, was surpassed with understanding. All thru that moment, I forbid myself to cry. I don’t want them to see that I have regrets about my situation or that I am weak. I want them to see that I can handle everything that will be thrown at me. I want them to feel that they can entrust me my life, that I am a person mature enough to outdo the downside and to confront impudently, determinedly, the consequences that entail my every action.
However strong a façade I upfront, my heart breaks to the tiniest bit, with every sob and weep of my mother. I would have accepted every backlash they would have given me but I could not stomach the helpless, defeated whimpers of her. Then I’d glance to my father, a solid yet gentle man, a man who has inspired resilience to us all, a brave police officer, with glassy eyes, and tears firmly held back. My brothers and sister had their heads bowed, maybe suppressing anger, maybe hindering pity. These were the people I hold most dear to my heart, yet I have all failed them. I have hurt them. And still, they bestowed me the greatest of all things, a united and loving family that anchors me in place, despite the heavy currents I wanted to drift away with.
Truly, God let us go through hardships and problems for a reason. I may not yet understand wholly His intentions but I know that He has a better plan for me, better than what I have penciled in my timeline, more meaningful that what I have dreamed of. He has failed me in my desires because He wants to teach me to let go of my self- righteousness, to always look back on who I initially was, and that is, a speck of dust which He has blessed with life. He showed me that we should accept His ways, and not question it. For God’s love for all, is beyond man’s understanding.
I also learned that parents love and protect us in a way we really could not comprehend. There was a time that I would like to go to an outing with college friends but she would not allow me. I remember her saying that for her, I am a crystal, and she couldn’t take it if anything happens to me. At that time, my young mind was revolting. I told her that she just doesn’t trust me and she’s very rigid and authoritarian. She cried and said that I just don’t know how much she loves me but firmly stood by her position. I rebelled because I didn’t understand, not until now. It was never a perfect family life for all of us, but I got what worked for me best. This is what I needed most… a family that keeps me grounded, a family that assures amity at my most thriving whiles, a family that does not judge, a family that defends me, a family that bears with me the pain and success in my every endeavor, a family that does not forsake but firmly believes in me, a family that encourages me to look forward to more beautiful things, a family that has shown me how great we become by being good and willing the Mighty One to steer our lives, than to be excellent in following the ideal, the upright, in man’s eyes.
I am flawed, as a daughter, a sister and a friend, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be a good person, a kind person. Equipped with this knowledge and experience, I will tread this journey and see to its end. I am honed by adversity and fortified by misery. I’ve learned the lesson. One mistake will not debilitate me, nor my goals and dreams stop here. And I await the life after all these, to prove we should not always be passive in waiting for a second chance. Work to earn it, and create it and be worthy of it.
I am now on my 7th week of pregnancy and loving every moment of it. I am experiencing morning sickness, cramps, nausea, midnight cravings and I know a lot more are on the way. Yet, I will brave all these, for my child who was brought to the world unexpectedly, for the father of my child who never left, for my parents and the whole family who served as my pillar of strength and most of all for my Good God, who has gifted me a vaster, more purposeful perspective in life.