How Not To Grocery Shop In 10 Easy Steps!

Joshua Rainey Photography /
Joshua Rainey Photography /

I firmly believe there are certain rules to follow when grocery shopping and I just don’t know them. First of all, when is it the “right time” to go grocery shopping? I mean the full-blown grocery shopping. Do you wait until you’re out of everything? Do you buy ingredients just for the dinner you are making by yourself that night? Or are you like me. You wait until you’re extremely hungry and convince yourself that you are saving money by grocery shopping instead of eating out. These are the steps I typically take when it comes to grocery shopping.

1. Drive to a Grocery store of your choice and walk in. Tell yourself you don’t need a cart because you are just picking up a few snacks and a little something for dinner.

2. Walk through the cereal isle first. Even though you don’t eat breakfast, convince yourself that after today you will start. (You won’t) Choose a cereal that seems healthyish. If it looks like it could be found at Trader Joe’s or has dried fruit in it, you’ve hit the nail on the head.

3. Obviously because you got cereal, you’re going to need milk. So go to the milk section and look at all 10 different kinds of milk every grocery store seems to have. Which one is the best? Or better question. Which one is the cheapest? And do you want to try looking healthy and get that skim milk that is basically white, tasteless, water? Or go for the full fat 100% whole milk that actually tastes the way milk should. (You’ll probably end up with 2% because you can tell yourself that it’s fat reduced but has better taste than the stupid skim milk) But what size? I mean if you get the smallest one, what if you drink it all really quick? But then again, what if you get the big one and don’t finish it before it expires? End up buying a half-gallon.

4. Go to the chips and crackers section. You want to feel somewhat healthy so even though you would love some Kettle Cooked Cape Cod Potato chips….you go for some pretzel slims instead. I mean how bad could pretzels be for you? Let alone pretzel slims. Even the snack you’re eating is skinny. So you will be too.

5. Realize the milk is starting to make your arm extremely cold no matter how you hold it and regret not getting a cart. Continue walking around in pain for another 5 minutes until your arm starts to go numb. Finally give in and get a cart.

6. Make your way over to the yogurt section. You’ve never been a huge yogurt eater, but you know, it’s a healthy snack and everyone just seems to be loving yogurt lately. Reach for a blueberry Greek yogurt and remember that you didn’t really like it last time. Grab it anyway. Feel like one yogurt isn’t enough but don’t want to commit to another Greek yogurt that you’ll probably end up leaving in your fridge until it’s been expired for a good 8 months, so instead grab a 4 pack of M&M YoCrunch. That’s healthy…right?

7. Go to the frozen foods section. This is where things get dangerous. Look around. So much pizza. You love pizza. But remind yourself pizza is not healthy. Victoria’s Secret models don’t eat pizza. Hot pockets? You love hot pockets. Especially the pepperoni kind. But then again…it’s basically pizza in disguise. That’s bad. You see some ‘Lean Cuisine’ meals that don’t look too bad, but none of them really appeal to you. Keep walking. There’s frozen vegetables…more TV dinners that won’t come out nearly as good as the cover implies…Waffles… Waffles? You’ve entered the frozen breakfast section. You really don’t need anymore breakfast foods considering you’ve already committed to cereal and milk. Continue walking. You’ve now entered the ice cream section. You have willpower. You do. You really do. But then you see that Ben & Jerry’s is on sale. Grab one pint of Coffee Coffee Buzz Buzz Buzz and tell yourself that this is the last time. (It’s not)

8. Look into your cart and realize there is nothing really that healthy in it. You start to feel guilty so you head over to the fruits and vegetables. Walk by the bags of leafy greens and ponder the idea of making salad. You’re too hungry for salad.

“I’m so hungry I could really go for a nice, hot, salad.”
-No one ever.

Walk by the berries and remember how much you love fruit. Grab a container of raspberries, strawberries, and blackberries. Then look at the prices. Put back strawberries and blackberries. Keep raspberries. Continue on.

9. Go to the register and realize you haven’t picked up anything for dinner. Go to the pasta section. Reach for Kraft Mac & Cheese (obviously the Spongebob Squarepants kind because shaped Mac & cheese is the best Mac & cheese). Hesitate because that’s really not very healthy. Get Annie’s organic Mac & Cheese instead and feel better about your decisions in life.

10. Buy everything at the front and drive home. Get super excited to eat your Mac & cheese as you are putting your groceries away. You are starving and cannot wait to have the warm, creamy, cheesy, goodness. Just as you open the box, you remember you don’t have any butter. Contemplate going back to the grocery store to get it. Decide otherwise. Instead, grab your pint of Ben & Jerry’s, a big spoon, and go watch Netflix alone in your bedroom. End up eating the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting. Fall asleep. TC Mark

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