1. Tell everyone you meet about how you’re sort of a coffee addict. Joke about it as if it’s not a serious problem. They’ll never really see how bad it is until they witness you down 10 cups of coffee like its water.
2. Justify the money you spend on coffee by being a gold card member at Starbucks. I mean come on…you get a free food or beverage item of your choice every 12 stars! I mean if I was starving one day and couldn’t afford food, thanks to my coffee addiction, I could get a FREE breakfast sandwich because of my loyalty to Starbucks. See mom? It’s not so bad. You’re basically saving more money then your spending. Except not really…at all. BUT! Did I mention you get free refills too? So. I mean.
3. Drink coffee no matter what time of day it is, because if you don’t get your morning cup, you’ll be tired and sluggish all day. And you’ll get that awful “why the hell haven’t I had a coffee today” headache that just sucks. So even if your first chance to get a coffee is at 10 pm that night, go for it. I mean it will make you feel better. And probably make you stay up until 3 am, but that’s beside the point.
4. Be really irritated with The Coffee Bean for not having a rewards program. Why can’t I be a VIP purple straw member? Why haven’t you guys done this yet? I can’t go in all jolly and use your app on my phone to pay. I have to use “money” or my “debit card”. What is this, 2002? It’s stupid, really.
5. Whenever you are in an off, grumpy, tired mood, you will blame it on the fact you haven’t had enough coffee that day. This is actually a good thing. I mean think about it. What if you were always in this terrible mood? But instead of it being because of the lack of coffee, it’s because of something deeper than that? That would take therapy to fix. Which is expensive. Coffee is not.
6. You constantly are googling the benefits of drinking coffee whenever people tell you that your problem is ‘unhealthy’. Well. While you’re making up lies, I found out that it apparently prevents cancer. So how much of a “problem” is it now? I am basically medicating myself. Coffee is medication.