For the longest time I struggled with the idea that you and I were supposed to be together one day. If that day weren’t today, the day before, or tomorrow, that actually one day we will have our moment. This one day hung in my heart for a year. Until I could feel the “one day” slipping away as you felt for another person. I realized that all I had waited for, my gut feeling about pursuing you, was slowly starting to tinker away.
Out of fear and sadness that this was slipping away was the time that I realized that I had feelings for you. That for the first time in my life I knew I wanted to be with someone. That I was ready to open my stubborn heart up and actually accept someone into it. Although there wasn’t much of a need to accept you into it because somehow you had already found your way into it. Without me even trying or realizing you were there right in the center of it all.
But amidst these feelings I realized that I was just hurting myself by holding onto this idea. This idea that “some day, one day, eventually” we would be together. So I told you. Not in hopes you felt the same, I told you so I could move on.
And I tried to move on. Until you told me that you weren’t sure how you felt. That you had always thought one day we would be together also. What you were sure of was the fact that you didn’t have romantic feelings for her. That you didn’t want to pursue her romantically, that you were “diffusing a bomb” with her. Then we kissed. We kissed and it felt like every moment that had us intertwined had lead up to that moment. We kissed and all I wanted to do was to be closer and closer with you. I had never felt more comfortable and happy and content in my whole life than I had in that moment.
I could only think about how in that moment, I wanted nothing more from life.
I understood finally what cloud nine felt like. I was on it, I was above it, I was in it, I was the cloud. Until the next day, when I saw you with her. Laughing like nothing happened between us. Then later you told me you realized you had feelings for her. After what happened between us, you decided that she was the one that you wanted. I was just an affliction for the night, a dream you once wanted but realized it was just a dream… not a real desire.
I guess I am simply trying to understand what I want and what happened. Not only was my heart broken but I also lost you as my best friend. That this idea that I had held for such a long time was dead. That I opened my heart up to someone I thought I could be honest and vulnerable with and I ended up getting more hurt in the end.
I guess you find truth in other’s actions. Words carry a lot of meaning, however how someone treats you in your moments of vulnerability, speak more to the type of person they are. I hope I realize this in the future… and that I remember my dreams or ideas of a person wont depict how a situation may end up.
Thinking “one day” does not mean one day you will end up together. It may mean one day they will take advantage of your heart and you will realize it is time to move on.
I think it is important for me, for everyone to remember, that if you are an option in someone’s life then run. You shouldn’t be picked between. You are worth more than a “heat of the moment” kiss. You are worth more than being picked last or not being picked last. That if someone does not see your value they do not deserve your time, your energy, or your love.
Don’t love someone because they might have promise in the future. Love them because of the type of person they are with you. Love them because you make each other better people. Love them because they admire your vulnerability and choose to be vulnerable with you.