…soon ‘being the bigger person’ will become ‘not giving a shit’.
Where did these rules of friendship come from? The ones that state you must put the growth of the other over that of yourself. The rules that dictate what you are allowed to be hurt, angry and disappointed over. What distinguishes those from the ones you are really hurt by but mustn’t express? These rules of unconditional tolerance and forgiveness. Its not like the unexpressed anger does not have an effect on the friendship. Last time I checked I was only human. Although you vow to take the high road and give the other the benefit of the doubt a little part of you withdraws. It’s impossible not to keep tabs on the matters that cut deep. They eat away at you, at your affection, at your love, at your support, at your dignity. Until nothing is left. Until you don’t care what the other does, and, to be perfectly honest it hasn’t affected you for quite some time because little by little you have become completely emotionally detached.
In the other’s eyes you have been loving and supportive. You have been concerned and invested; despite displaying acute dislike at the situation(s) you have been the true definition of a friend. You have followed all of those damned rules. You have sucked it up because; (rule number 1) it is wrong to think about yourself and your needs before others and because; (rule number 2) it is right to take the other’s words for it and thus put their needs before your own. You have given her the benefit of the doubt every time, because if you refer to rule number 3, that is the right thing to do.
Why have you stuck to the rules all this time? Maybe because you believe in karma. Maybe because you believe all the hype in the bible about treating others as you wish to be treated. Whatever your friendship religion ultimately you would like the same concessions and believe adhering to them yourself guarantees you will see them. But have you? By entering into this relationship the both of you have fought each other’s demons. Together. You shut down the critics. Together. You have worked hard to create your own world free of all the injustices that everyone else outside suffers from. The same ones you yourself have to put up with when the other is absent. Both of you stood up to the rest of the world and wrote your own rules. You two were different. Thus far, it seems that both of you have sufficiently and efficiently maintained the locks to uphold the sense of security that drives us all to enter into such relationships.
But how secure are you feeling now? How many injustices can you count? Sure, they aren’t laws that she’s breaking, but your heart isn’t breaking over nothing. Some sort of agreement must be being breached because you’re unhappy. Right now you are not taking on the world together. Your thoughts, lives and loyalties seem very much apart. You want to express your grievances but you can’t. Remember the rules right!? The ones that someone else wrote, the ones that you know should be so easy to follow with the one you love. The ones that are so hard to swallow at the moment.
You want to break those rules so badly right now! You are hurting big time. You want to be human and break down. To ask her what she is doing and what about me? Do you even think about me because it so doesn’t seem like it! But above all, does everything we’ve been through mean as much to you as it still does to me? You don’t do it because in times of trial it’s all about needs, not wants. She claims she needs this, whatever it is she is doing, and to be a good friend, you need to give it to her.
There’s a little bit of fear though, that when you need something… Support. Trust. Loyalty. When you really need those concessions for behaviour that is a little below par…that it won’t be there. Should this linger over a true friendship? Should one be able to earn your trust back after they have shattered it? If you are an advocate for second chances then perhaps. But right now all that concerns you is your self. Your dignity. And your sanity. Because you are hurting and you are doing it alone. You are in need.
Nevertheless, soon ‘being the bigger person’ will become ‘not giving a shit. You will have let go to save yourself and she will have let you slip to save face. What a shame! You have gone way too long being the one that gives a damn. Being the friend who accommodates the other. The other’s feelings, situation, family, point of view. Your feeling lonely but adamant that’s its just the way its got to go. It may end in an argument, a heated discussion followed by a stand off. Or both. It will never end the way it should. In a way that honours everything you both have stood for and been through together. But with that said, if it was able to, it wouldn’t be over. Your cement clearly wasn’t the right consistency and she seems to have written an escape clause into the contract when you weren’t looking. Its over.