1. When you broke up yesterday, you had an air-tight laundry list of reasons for doing so but now you can’t for the life of you think of a single, goddamn one. That list will come flooding back to you as soon as you start hating yourself post ex-sex.
2. Unless your dying grandmother gave it to you or it was never your property to begin with*, you really don’t need that gap hoodie / hairbrush / nearly full carton of the GOOD orange juice. (*You DO have an obligation to get back your best friend’s gap hoodie, or at least offer to do so. But no obligation to see your ex in the process).
3. Ok, now stop racking your brain to figure out if any of the shit you left at your ex’s could be construed to belong to someone other than you. If you have to think that hard and no one has noticed anything missing, you don’t need to contact your ex.
4. Unless you parted on good terms, which you probably didn’t given that you are reading this article, pretty much any conversation you have for the next few months won’t go the way you envisioned it would. Fair warning.
5. People can change. However, it is unlikely they will change in the way you would like them to change overnight, or in a week, or even in a month. And sometimes they don’t change.
6. If she or he broke up with you, honor their need to be on their own. To think about the relationship. And wonder if they made a mistake. And obsess about the fact that they haven’t heard from you…
7. Everyone’s ex always looks and sounds like they are doing amazingly well right after a breakup. It’s one of those cosmic quirks of the universe. Wait to contact them and spare yourself the drama of wondering why he/she seems to be doing great while you are a hot mess. In 3-6 months she or he will lose this super power and become a normal person again, subject to the same ups and downs as every other person on earth.
8. Your friends can barely wait to say “good riddance” the second after you announce that you’ve broken up. Try not to take offense – in fact, be grateful that they’ve stuck around through the slow moving train wreck that was your ex. Have a heart – don’t put them through it again so soon.
9. If you do slip and contact your ex, you owe each and every one of your friends ice cream. The good, fancy kind that you don’t get in a carton. You also owe them an equal or greater amount of patience when they yet again end up in bed with their idiot neighbor.
10. Right now, your hair is not the sexy version of the “slept-in” look.
11. Be honest: the relationship was always kind of one-sided to begin with – you were never sure if he was really that into you. Don’t reinforce that dynamic. You owe yourself better.
12. Alternatively, be honest: you didn’t even really know who she/he was as a person. While it was addictively fun being drunkenly, stupidly attracted to someone, you always had a sneaking sensation that perhaps his or her “witty” conversation was not so much witty as “smug, lazy condescension”. Better to live with the rosy glasses than the clear light of morning, no?
13. Maybe you knew who he or she was deeply and had a long-term, involved relationship. You still broke up and you still had your reasons. See #4 and 5 above.
14. It is a time-tested truism that any text message you send to her or him right now will be misconstrued. Another quirk of the universe.
15. That slightly manic, enthralled-with-life feeling you get after getting through the crappy part of the breakup is an awesome rush. That rush is often postponed by contacting your ex and dredging up the misery (once again, from the beginning!). Pass go and collect that $200 already.
16. You realize that that cutie you’ve had your eye on at (work/the coffee shop/during chemistry/ at the bar/ down the street) is suddenly fair game. In fact, all of those cuties are fair game…