An Open Letter To Everyone On JDate

JDate.com is an online Jewish singles community.

Dear everyone on JDate,

In a day and age when I can buy my Smartwater, birth control and tofu cream cheese online, find out about my third cousin’s second pregnancy from Facebook’s news feed and get three A.M. drunk video chats from my seventeen-year-old sister, I am not convinced that it’s impossible to find my soul mate via the holy grail, so to speak, of online dating websites: JDate.com. I mean, it’s not like the Jewish elite of Manhattan are spending their weekends getting hammered at shitty bars on the Lower East Side—they’re studying for the bar exam or practicing podiatric medicine on the underprivileged and over-calloused feet of New York. So it’s counter-productive to spend my nights letting uncircumcised men stick their tongues down my throat because, after all, hell hath no fury like a Jewish mother scorned.

The only problem is that all of those worthy Jewish men who are too busy defending the meek or curing cancer are just that—too busy. They’re not spending their time on JDate, because they’ve got jobs and lives and are probably not interested in twenty-one-year-old lushes who vomit tequila and get naked in public on a regular basis. So what’s a nice Jewish girl to do? I mean fine, whatever; my standards aren’t really that high after a few gin and tonics anyway. I can sift through the rest of the Jews in the five boroughs. Actually, make that four. I wouldn’t date anyone from Staten Island. Queens is pushing it, too. And the Bronx, well, odd numbers bother me, so let’s just make it two: Manhattan and Brooklyn. To be perfectly clear, with some exceptions for the self-loathing Long Islanders and misplaced New Jerseyians, this excludes all persons outside of these two boroughs. I’m talking to you, 63-year-old Sandy from Deerfield Beach, Florida.

So dear, lonely, Jewish men aged 20-29 who live within a reasonable subway transit radius and have no visible physical or mental deformities, I am looking for you. I am looking for you as long as your “About Me” paragraphs include more than “I love my family, friends, and the Giants.” All that tells me is your dad still supports your broke, post-college ass, you and your boys go cruisin’ for sluts on the daily and, to be honest, I just don’t care much for football. Also, don’t bother if you can’t spell, or at least utilize spell-check. It doesn’t matter if you’re at the top of your law school class—if you can’t master the difference between “your” and “you’re,” you are not that smart. And to you darling JDaters who “hate the bar scene and came to the Internet to find ‘true love’”—blow me. That’s total bullshit. If you hate the bar scene so much, why are you so intent on taking me out for drinks? Come on you well adjusted, employed, semi-neurotic, single and emotionally available Jewish men—respect me, like your mothers taught you to. If you’re not into “wasted girls dancing at the clubs,” stop trying to get me wasted and make me dance. And FYI, three vodka-crans and two Jell-O shots do not constitute an invitation into my bed. You’ll at least need to whip out the Patron for that. TC mark

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  • MP80909

    I <3 you. Though I may be a bit young for you.

  • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

    You know what's a decent way to differentiate yourself from all the other lonely, desperate (yet still stuck-up) women hitting up the internet for love?

    Don't mention the “your” “you're” thing. 

    You can use that as a litmus test for compatibility if you wish but once you broadcast it (like the thousands of other chicks out there who think it makes them special,) you just become another bitch in a sea of bitches.

    • http://poemsaboutinternetdating.com Poems About Internet Dating

      ha, it's true. though the boys snot about that one, too.

    • coffeeandinternets

      I forget — is the Sea of Bitch located in the Indian Ocean, or are you just an asshole?

      I don't think I'm the only unique snowflake who cares about grammar, and I doubt the author does either.  I also don't think it's a bitchy thing to write about it in an article, either.  To me, the “your v. you're” dating standard is the new  “please don't live at home with your mother at age 32.”

      Oh god, I bet I just insulted you again.

      • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

        You seem like the one's that's insulted. Did your sister get raped by an illiterate or was 3rd grammar just the only class you ever excelled in? 

        I'm sure the author doesn't cut off all context when she gets a “omg your coming to the party friday, right?” text. Most likely she doesn't. Grammar is important but in the world of internet dating, so is standing out and having something that hundreds upon hundreds of women include in their profiles doesn't help that. Shit, there's a post right here on Thought Catalog that says nearly the same damn thing.

        Notice how no men ever mention that? Yeah we're superficial, but we're not that superficial. Content is more important than composition, and even in regards to that, there are much more egregious errors that should be used a litmus rather than the presence (or lack there of) of an apostrophe. 

      • coffeeandinternets

        I stopped reading at the shitty rape joke but I'm sure you made a lot of excellent points.

      • Illiterate?

        *one
        *regard
        *thereof

        just for starters…

      • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

        I guess we won't be going on any JDates.

      • http://twitter.com/elizabethwisker elizabeth wisker

        “Did your sister get raped by an illiterate or was 3rd grade grammar just the only class you ever excelled in?” is such a fucked up thing to say, especially for someone preaching the importance of content over composition. In this case, your composition hints at your content, and it's pretty repulsive. That is all.

    • Sam

      I can attest to this too. It's very common. By doing this, you're basically saying “I require at least some knowledge of grammar that is taught in elementary school.” It should be a given. Don't make it seem like your standards are that low.

      Very funny article though.

      • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

        Absolutely agree. A better test would be asking who a guy's favorite author is. If he says Tucker Max and you still go out with him, you deserve whatever happens next.

      • http://profiles.google.com/mopeyprincess mopey P

        She's 21 y'all.

      • http://profiles.google.com/mopeyprincess mopey P

        She's only 21 y'all.

  • eferf45
  • Rose Mardit

    I feel you. JDate got old so quickly that I stopped using it. 

    Hot Jewish men, stop hiding (but don't stop being ambitious, because I'm jappy and your law degree will help support my shopping habits.)

  • coffeeandinternets

    “If you’re not into “wasted girls dancing at the clubs,” stop trying to get me wasted and make me dance.”

    I love that.

    And caring about “your” versus “you're” and speaking up about it doesn't make you a bitch. I have never met a guy worth knowing who fucked that shit up.

  • Spidercrumbs

    Ugh, you sound despicable.

  • http://twitter.com/alexanderlash Alexander Lash

    Ha! Makes me glad I never looked at JDate…not that OKCupid has been all that useful but it's free!

    Out here in Seattle it's the province of the orthodoxy: not a single reform dude in sight and a mere handful of conservatives, or so I've been lead to believe from my fellow Jewish 20-somethings. (Well, the female ones. The male ones aren't single anymore. Hmm…)

  • http://twitter.com/afs35mm Andrew

    How have I not found you on jdate yet?

  • another one
  • marcus

    if only you were a dude id propose to u right now.

  • Duke Holland of Gishmale

    I went on JDate because my mother hated the overweight and tattooed gentile I was dating. I told her that there's no way I'm going on the internet to find a girl, and besides, there's no Jews where I'm living (Central Florida–I'm the only Jew in a 75-mile radius). She offered to pay. So, I was on JDate with my Jewish mother paying for it. Is that not the worst thing in the world?

  • Guest

    Yeah, being in Texas and being a Jewish girl sucks, there are no Jews in the South.  At least your chances of meeting a decent Jewish man on the East coast are much higher. This open letter speaks volumes. :)

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