This Is How You’ll Get Over Her

Flickr / ethermoon
Flickr / ethermoon

I’m not going to tell you that you deserve better, because you wouldn’t believe me, anyway. She’s the love of my life, you say. I’ve never been happier or felt more complete than the times when we were together. But better is not what you deserve. Someone who appreciates you and the infinite adoration that outpours from your big heart—this is what you deserve. But alright, fine. Let’s not talk about what you deserve; let’s talk about what you want.

You want someone less complicated, less draining because at the end of the day, you want to be able to reserve a sliver of your soul to yourself. You want someone who is willing to take on your burden, share the weight on your shoulder instead of unloading hers onto you—even though you’re totally fine with that.

You say you will always be there for her when she needs you, but she’s not sure if she could do the same, and trust me, you want reciprocity because that’s what underlies a solid relationship.

Unlike many guys your age, you want commitment; you want a warm body—the same warm body—to hold in your arms. But she doesn’t want that, unlike many girls her age. She’s indiscriminant with who’s in her bed, so long as the body pressed against her is warmer, and because she’s always cold, it’s not such a difficult endeavor.

You wonder why she even went out with you, agreed to be yours. You wonder, angrily, if you meant anything to her. But let me ask you this: do you really want to know, or is it just a half-hearted query laced with wishful thinking? Deep down, you know. You know that if you had meant anything to her, you would still be trying to warm her hand, her unrestrained laughter ringing in your ear.

You think that if you’d tried harder, gone to the moon and back for her, she wouldn’t have left you. You’re mad at yourself because you feel there was an inadequacy you could’ve overcome but you were too stupid to recognize it. Here’s a novel idea: your inadequacy had nothing to do with her or the relationship that failed to bloom.

So this is the mentality you need to adopt before you even think about trying to get her back: no one can complete you but you. Not her, not your next girlfriend, not any of the girls who’d rejected you. That void you feel right now, hollowing into your heart? You’re the only one that can fill it. Yes, there was an area in your life that needed change and she helped you make that change. But you should not lose the motivation to persist when she left; that just means you were doing it all just for her.

Do it for yourself. Better yourself for your own good, not so you may seem a more “adequate” partner or keep her in your life. You don’t want adequacy; you want love—reciprocal, passionate, tireless love. She was an idea that you thought embodied this love, but she wasn’t it.

So this is how you move on: know that it’s actually not her you need to get over. It’s the belief that you are nothing, nobody without her. Live your life, make the changes that need to be made, continue your journey—alone—and before you know it, she’ll become a rusted road sign, neglected far behind you and blurring into the past. TC mark

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