It has only been a few days since the split. It was anything but amicable. I did not see it coming, though some part of me feels as if God was warning me. I had had a weird feeling in my gut, a sense of urgency to get something off my chest, and although I had expected everything to be fine, some part of me felt off.
We had been getting to know one another for a couple of months, but we had only been “official” for one week. I was happy. He was happy – I know he was.
The thing that ruined us? My desire to be abstinent until marriage.
I shared with him the worries I had of telling him this, how it was awkward for me to bring up, and that it was something that I didn’t want to do too soon or too late. I’m stuck somewhere between my “Hello, I’m Regina, and my vagina is off-limits to you. Would you like to grab coffee sometime?” and his “Quick, get a condom.” If I tell guys too soon, I risk so many things…them assuming I’m a prude or that I think I’m better than them, or them leaving all together, unwilling to waste time on someone who won’t put out. If I wait too long to tell a guy, I’m called a tease, or I’m blamed for having actually wasted their time.
So, considering we had been talking for only a couple of months, and exclusive for only one week, I actually felt worried that I was bringing this up too soon! Ha! Joke was on me. The rest of the day was completely awkward. Everything had changed. Texts were strained. Phone calls were non-existent. He had always texted when he arrived home…not this time. The next morning, I received no “good morning” text. Not that it’s something I require, but it was something that he had ALWAYS done. The whole day at work was turmoil. I had knots in my stomach, and I was regretting even having brought the whole thing up. After I got off of work, he broke up with me – via text message. He initially told me that it was him, not me (LOL). But he later admitted that I should have told him of my plan to wait until marriage SOONER. Ha. He claimed it was something I should have shared with him prior to us becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. Sigh.
I’m not really sure how to feel at this point, but I do know that I feel stupid, embarrassed, unworthy, insulted, angry, and heartbroken.
My friends have had my back, but that won’t heal my heartache. The hardest thing for me to understand is how things were so amazing initially…he seemed head over heels for me. He always wanted me around, I had met some of his friends/coworkers, and he even wanted me to have dinner with him and his family (something I had decided to wait on). He told me how lucky he was to be with me, how attractive I was, how much fun he had just being silly with me. Some of these things he had shared with me that very same day!
He was eager to run errands with me, take care of me when I was sick, tell people that I was his girlfriend, and do plenty of boyfriend things. How could all of this come crashing down so quickly? What had I done wrong? The Christmas tree we had put up together now begged to be taken down. His Christmas gift arrived in the mail the day after he ended things. The day before he had ended things we had spent the day (his birthday) cuddling and watching movies. I had taken off work, baked him brownies, and driven him to Dallas to treat him to a birthday lunch. I feel like I’m losing my mind, because none of these things are what you expect right before someone decides that YOU ARE NOT WORTH THE WAIT.
I feel broken and alone. I’m trying to focus on my faith in God, but the pain is so real right now. I know that I have so much to be thankful for, but situations like this one are very complex. I can’t even begin to explain the multitude of feelings that have arisen in the past couple of days. The one thing that I do know, however, is that I am worth the wait.