Trigger warning: this article contains content involving suicidal thoughts.
I remember days when I’m alone in my room at three in the afternoon. Lights were switched off, curtains covered the windows preventing the gleaming sunlight to enter, not allowing even a speckle of light to come into the room. Then there was I, curled like a fetus in my favorite spot on the bed, hair sprawled in different directions, some in knots, and most were tear-stained like my pillows. It was always like this whenever my emotions hit me, whenever my depression kicks in.
That’s the thing about depression. It makes you a giant mess, even if you try as hard as you can to fight it. Whenever you try to analyze it (“Why am I crying? Why does my heart feel so heavy? Why don’t I feel at all?”) you don’t get answers.
You don’t get specific reasons as to why you feel so devastated at three in the afternoon. It’s as if you’re so tired, yet you did so little. It’s like you want a massive hole to suck you in so you never have to deal with life ever again.
It’s like you want to die yet, you don’t feel like getting out of bed to kill yourself. You end up stuck in bed ‘til your tears run out and you feel so empty more and more. Even your brain is empty. No thoughts, no precise feelings, nothing. It’s one big blank. You feel so lost because you don’t understand anything of it. What’s worse is when you want it to stop.
You see your days pass by every single day, the days in the calendar changing and the hands in the clock won’t stop moving. But there you are, slowed down. Probably frozen. Everyone’s having fun, running around in different directions because life is like that. It’s fast paced and it will never slow down. You try to keep up, smile here and there, laugh at jokes your friends throw, but each chuckle meant a stab in the chest because you know for a fact that you’re not necessarily happy. It’s the complete opposite.
Time passes by without you even knowing it. One day, you pass by store windows and you see your reflection in it. Your arms are so thin you see veins in your hands popping out. You face is so hallow you see dark circles under your eyes. Not to mention the bags that come with it. You run away because you didn’t see yourself. You knew it wasn’t you in the reflection, yet it’s what you look like now.
That’s the thing about depression. It makes you feel full without even having to finish a complete meal.
But that’s just one end of the spectrum, and that’s the thing about depression. Sometimes, it would catapult you to the highest peak of happiness. You feel like life is in full swing. You get to hang out with your friends without a care in the world. You laugh at almost anything. You wear the dress you’ve always wanted to wear, but got too lazy to do so. Confidence would kick in and you dance to every rhythm you hear on the radio. There’s that flutter in your chest again, it’s as if you’re in love. You love life.
Again, that’s the thing about depression. It’s so powerful that in a snap, or while in mid-laugh, you feel that flutter die out and your heart would sink deeper and deeper.
On the inside, you’d feel like your whole body is shutting down. Time begins to quicken again, and yet you’re stuck in your own time zone. Then once again you find yourself at home, in your bedroom at three in the afternoon,n not wanting to do anything with the fast-paced wheel you call life. But hang in there, sweetheart. You’ll want to feel that sunlight in your face again.
Things will get better.
Don’t let it consume you.
We’ll get through this.