They ask me how you are and like many times before, I fumble. Do I say I still think about you sometimes? Do I say, yes, I wish I could have been more mature? Do I say, yes, sometimes I wish I was not an awful mess of a person to begin with? But that would not really answer the question, will it? Because the truth is, I don’t know anything about you now. Not a clue.
The person I knew back then was a dream fallen short – funny as hell, cute as heaven, and so smooth it melts me to a puddle of sweet, delightful water. You loved my family. You loved me like you couldn’t live your life without me. Like you can’t bear to see me with anyone else much more let someone lay a finger on me. I was so sure you loved me that I didn’t realize you loved me the wrong way. And because I didn’t know how to love myseIf, I thought it was okay. When two people are so sure that what they’re feeling can no way be wrong, they’re both meant to go downhill. Mind you, the feelings we had were real – happiness, longing, jealousy, anger – but what we didn’t know was how to control them. We were 10-year olds trapped in grown-up bodies. We let ourselves be led by our emotions – always thinking about our own that we forget that we were responsible for each other. We were responsible not just for our own emotions but each other’s emotions. Because when you love a person you are responsible for that love and where it is heading.
Years in our relationship, we found ourselves in a downward spiral, a vicious cycle, we cannot get out of. I saw it coming. Maybe you didn’t because you’ve never been in this kind of set-up. But I knew it was coming and I should have done something about it. But because of pride, I didn’t want to admit that I needed help. I didn’t want to admit there was also something wrong with me.
Even now, I still lose you sometimes. How I wish I would have been a better person back then – someone like me now. If I was, would I have saved you? Would I have changed you because my love was so great?
I hope I can resolve this regret I’m feeling right now as I am writing this. I loved you. I lost you. And it was much better than not having loved at all.