Cast of characters:
- Be me: 5’7″ former fatty, trying his best to lose his weight, hitting the gym every day, trying to eat healthy, generally handsome and prince-like
- Be Jenny: 5’4″ about 100lbs of lean muscle, cute blonde (dyed hair) Asian, marathon runner, gym enthusiast, vegetarian
- Be Per: 6’1″ approximately 180lbs of Swedish muscle, unfiltered mouth, extreme fat hater
- Be Per’s girlfriend: irrelevant to the story, but 6’0″ of legs
- Don’t be Jacob: 5’6″ morbidly obese roommate (300lbs of what-the-fucking-shit), general food-stealer, chronic bullshitter, uncontrollable liar, occasional racist
I had invited my friends over to watch the Super Bowl at my house. The Steelers were playing the Cardinals. As was the tradition for broke college students, I asked each of my friends to bring something over. Jenny brought over her homemade guacamole and two bags of chips. Per and his girlfriend brought about a hundred wings, I supplied chips, soda, mozzarella sticks and some frozen pizzas I heated up in the oven. I asked Jacob if he wanted to join us, out of courtesy, secretly hoping that he’d say no — and he did. That was a huge relief.
We were having a great time — Per’s girlfriend happened to be a Steelers fan. Apparently, she liked them because of their colors. “Black and yellow,” she said, “is basically me.” I’m still not sure what she meant by that, but she threw a fit when Big Ben’s touchdown run was overruled by the officials. Jacob looked out of his room and yelled.
Jacob: Shut UP! I’m trying to read in here.
Me: Dude, we’re watching the game. I told you we’re going to be loud.
Jacob: Why don’t you have manners, Reggie? I’m READING in my ROOM.
And he slammed the door just as Jeff Reed converted a field goal. 3-0 Steelers.
Per: What the fuck is wrong with him?
Me: He’s just an asshole.
Per: Did he know we were coming?
Me: Yeah, I told him. I even asked him if he wanted to join us.
Per: Good thing he didn’t — he would’ve eaten all of the food by now!
We tried to keep the noise level down because the four of us didn’t want to deal with Jacob again, but when Gary Russell made the game 10-0, Per’s girlfriend went wild again. The beast was unleashed.
Jacob: What the fuck!
Per’s girlfriend: Sorry, Jacob. My team scored a touchdown.
Jacob: Can’t you keep it down, I told you I’m reading.
Me: Well, why didn’t you go to the library?
Jacob: I didn’t want to go to the library, okay?
Me: Okay, fine.
Jacob: Well, since I’m out here, I might as well hang out here.
Me (looking at everyone): Are you sure?
Jacob: Yeah. I’m hungry, too.
Me: Do you have something you’d like to contribute? Everyone here brought something.
Jacob: What are you talking about? This is my apartment.
Me: I live here too…
Jacob: I don’t need to contribute, I’m letting you use the fucking TV, for christ’s sakes.
As half time drew near, with the Steelers up 17-7, Jacob’s commentary became incessant. He was becoming comfortable where he was.
Jacob (holding a plate of chicken wings): These guys are wimps. Look at them, they can’t even hit each other.
Jacob (dipping chicken wing in vat of ranch dressing): Look at how slow these guys run.
Jacob (putting his hand into a bag of chips): I can beat that guy up.
I couldn’t quite take him at that point, so I told Jenny that I was going to go to my room for a minute. She said she’d come with me. Per and his girlfriend, feeling the same way, went into the kitchen to get a drink.
Jenny and I spent the rest of half time making out in my room, until Per knocked on the door.
Per: Dude, all the food is gone.
Me and Jenny: What?
Per’s girlfriend: Your roommate looks sick. I think he ate too much.
Me: I can’t believe this shit.
We went to the living room to see Bruce Springsteen finish his set. Jacob was on his chair looking green.
Jacob: What were you guys eating?
Me: The same thing you were. And apparently, you finished it all for us.
Jacob: I said I was hungry, okay? And the food you guys got was bad. What is that green stuff? That’s not supposed to be green.
Jenny: That’s guacamole…
Jacob: I don’t care what it is, it looks like it went bad. I can’t believe you guys eat that stuff.
Me: That’s just avocado you asshole.
Jacob: I don’t feel so good now. You guys made me eat bad food.
Me (beginning to accumulate the fury of a thousand banhammers): You’re joking, right?
Jacob: No, I really feel —
Jacob threw up all over the floor. The smell of bile mixed with pizza, hot wings, guacamole, chips, and soda will never erase itself from my memory. It was absolutely disgusting. We decided to move our party to Per’s apartment and we all agreed on picking up pizza on the way there. I grabbed the untouched vegetable plate and told Jacob to clean up the floor. He called me an asshole and a traitor.
When I came back home, the house smelled like vomit, and the area that he had thrown up in wasn’t washed — he had only used a paper towel to wipe up the mess and threw it in an open trashbag next to it. I knocked on his door and there was no answer. He was either sleeping or avoiding me. I didn’t care. I put on some rubber gloves and cleaned up the rest of the mess.