This story will rustle your jimmies.
Cast of characters:
- Be me: 5’7″ former fatty, trying his best to lose his weight, hitting the gym every day, trying to eat healthy, generally handsome and prince-like
- Be Jenny: 5’4″ about 100lbs of lean muscle, cute blonde (dyed hair) Asian, marathon runner, gym enthusiast, vegetarian
- Be Per: 6’1″ approximately 180lbs of Swedish muscle, unfiltered mouth, extreme fat hater
- Be Per’s girlfriend: irrelevant to the story, but 6’0″ of legs
- Don’t be Jacob: 5’6″ morbidly obese roommate (300lbs of what-the-fucking-shit), general food-stealer, chronic bullshitter, uncontrollable liar, occasional racist
This is about the day I decided to move out of the beast’s lair.
It was a sunny morning — I woke up to the sound of my first floor apartment rumbling. Jacob, I thought. What the fuck is he up to this time? Jacob was my roommate for about eight months. (Stories to come later.) I put on my sweatpants and crawled out of bed. The apartment rumbled again. I opened my bedroom door and saw Jacob in the kitchen rummaging through the fridge. He had let containers of my food drop on the floor. Jacob turned to look at me. I saw fury etched in between the cherubic folds of his face.
Jacob: WHERE ARE MY TOTS? REGGIE, I HAD THEM IN THE FRIDGE. WHERE ARE THEY?
Me: What tots? Dude, you’re throwing all of my shit on the floor. Can you pick them up?
Jacob: MY TOTS! I CAN’T FIND MY TOTS!
Me: Chill out dude, you can always make more.
Jacob: MAKE MORE TOTS? I HAD MY FUCKING TOTS IN THE FRIDGE SO I COULD EAT THEM IN THE MORNING.
He kicked a container of my noodles. It bounced off a counter and the contents spilled out onto the floor.
Me: Jacob, fucking chill out, what the fuck is your problem?
Jacob: YOU ATE MY FUCKING TOTS DIDN’T YOU? FUCK YOU FAGGOT. GO BACK TO YOUR FUCKING SHITTY COUNTRY, YOU MOTHERFUCKER.
Me: Fuck you.
I walked to the bathroom and took a hot shower to try and calm down. Fuck Jacob and his fat ass, I thought to myself. I heard a knock on the door. It was Jacob.
Jacob (shouting through the door): Can you hurry up? I really need to take a shit.
Me (shouting): No, I have to shave and brush my teeth after.
Jacob: Can’t you do that after I use the bathroom? I really have to go, you fucking inconsiderate asshole.
Me (turning the water off): What the fuck did you say?
Jacob: Nothing. Hurry up, faggot.
I quickly shaved, cutting the corner of my lip in the process, dried myself off and began brushing my teeth. Jacob knocked on the door, louder this time. I didn’t answer him. I rinsed my mouth and stuck a piece of paper on my cut. I opened the door and walked out. I saw Jacob squinting at me.
Jacob: You sure take a long time for a skinny guy.
Me: Uh, what?
He had already waddled into the bathroom and locked the door behind him.
I looked at the clock. It was almost 10AM. I was to meet up with Per and Jenny for coffee. Jenny and I ran together — we met at a 5k, got to talking and hit it off. She, too, had been overweight for most of her life, and it was during college that she started exercising and eating right. She also introduced me to Per. She and Per were friends from nursing class. Per and I got along as we both drove a Volvo, and our “inside joke” came to asking each other how our cars were doing. We also were interested in keeping a strict diet regimen and the three of us shared an interest in healthy living.
I picked up my phone to text Jenny. She had already messaged me: Per said he is going to be late. Coming to your apartment to pick you up :P
I texted her back: Are you sure? Jacob is here. He is in one of his moods.
I got dressed, pocketed my phone and walked down to the kitchen. Jacob was still in the bathroom. I crossed my arms and surveyed the damage Jacob had dealt to the kitchen. My whole wheat noodles were still on the floor, the refrigerator handle was smeared with what looked like crusty ketchup, and my bottles of beer were lined up on the counter. I shook my head and got to cleaning up. My phone vibrated. It was Jenny. I’m here! Have a surprise for you! she wrote. I sighed. I hadn’t wiped the floor and put away the dishes yet.
Jenny knocked on the door and I went to answer it.
Jenny (kisses me on the cheek): Hey! Good morning!
Me: Good morning, come inside. I was just cleaning up.
Jenny (looks at the kitchen): What happened here?
Me: Oh, nothing….
Jenny (getting the hint): Ah, gotcha…
At this point, I heard the toilet flush and the door flung open to a very sweaty Jacob. I don’t think he even washed his hands. He saw Jenny and I saw him purse his lips.
Jacob: Jenny! Hello, my sweet yellow princess, how are you?! [He really said this, I shit you not…]
Jacob (ignoring me): I’m sorry you caught me at a bad time. coughs I had a rough morning.
Jenny (faking a smile): Hi Jacob, good to see you again.
Jacob (turning beet red, stammering): I, er, should go put something more presentable. coughs (looks at me) Clean up your shit, Reggie.
I stood there with my mouth open as he walked to his room.
Me: That fucking shit.
Jenny (whispering): Did he call me a yellow princess?
Me: That fucking piece of shit.
Jenny, always the one to be positive reminded me that she had a surprise for me. From a bag, she took out two green juices.
Jenny (handing me the juice): This one’s for you…
Me (forgetting about Jacob): Oh, awesome, thanks. Which one is this?
Jenny: Kale and spinach. Need some greens to start your day!
At this point, Jacob entered the room again, filling the living room with his orbital size. He saw that we were holding juices.
Jacob (asking Jenny): What’s that?
Jacob: Where’s mine?
Me and Jenny (looking at each other): Uhh…
Jacob: Whatever. It’s probably shitty. You should stop wasting your money on getting food that tastes like shit.
I had enough of his shitty attitude and snide comments, but Jenny cut me off before I could say anything.
Jenny: It’s healthy. And I like it. Reggie likes it, too.
Jacob looked a bit taken aback, because his “Yellow Princess” had rebuked him. Jacob went silent for a moment. Then he opened his mouth and dropped this gem.
Jacob: Where are we going? I’m starving.
Jenny said that we (her and I) were going to a café and that we were going to meet up with someone. He didn’t get the hint.
Jacob: Are we taking your car?
Exasperated, I dragged Jenny out of the apartment and watched Jacob squeeze out of the apartment door.
Jacob (to me): You couldn’t have locked the door? Yeesh. You make me do everything.
I mumbled some savage words that only I could hear.
The walk to the cafe took 10 minutes longer than it should’ve. I made sure to keep at least 10 paces ahead of Jacob — I knew this when he’d call out for us to slow down and that he was hungry and couldn’t keep with our pace because his sugar levels were too low. When we finally entered the café, we saw Per in a corner booth fiddling with his phone. He waves us over, but his face dropped when he saw Jacob lumbering into the café behind us and got in line.
Per: What’s he doing here?
Me: Oh…he…erm…followed us out.
Per: I’m surprised he made it this far.
Per (smiling): I’m sorry! I can’t help myself.
While we waited for Jacob, the three of us talked about what we were going to do after graduation. Per and Jenny had 2 semesters left of their nursing program and I had 1 semester left for my undergraduate degree. All of a sudden, we saw Per’s head perk up. He held on to the table. We felt gravity shifting — it was Jacob. We were on the verge of becoming moons orbiting around him. He sat down. There was an audible groaning from the metal chair. I wondered what the weight limit was for the chair. It didn’t take long before we heard the all-too Jacob-isms spew from his sugar-layered mouth.
Jacob: This chair is too small.
Jacob: Can’t you guys fucking move over?
Jacob: I have no fucking space.
Jacob (looking at finished drink): My drink didn’t taste good.
Jacob (looking at me): How can you run for so long on your twiggy legs?
I could see Per was staring at Jacob with intense hatred. Jacob didn’t know what was going to be unleashed against him.
Per: Maybe if you stopped eating for a while, and actually got up to exercise, you’d know what running feels like.
Jacob (looking shocked): What? What are you SAYING? Are you calling me FAT?
Per: Maybe I am.
Jacob: Shut up, you fucking faggot. You think you’re so high and mighty because you’re a little thinner than I am.
Per (clenching his fists): A little thinner than you? I’m a fucking quarter of what you weigh, you fat shit.
Jacob (standing up): FUCK YOU.
He threw the empty plastic container at Per’s head. He missed and hit the wall. Jacob then stormed out of the café shouting at people who were in his way. We were all silent. Per was the first to break the silence.
Per: I can’t believe he could storm out like that. I underestimated him.
Jenny: Don’t you think you should apologize?
Per: No, I think he should be the one apologizing. He inconveniences everyone because of his size.
Me: Dude… I have to deal with his shit when I get home….
Per: Ah, I’m sorry about that. Not sorry about him.
I shrugged and Per suggested that we all go to the park and play some frisbee. He said that his girlfriend was going to meet up with us there. We cleaned up the mess Jacob left and tipped the barista extra. The rest of the day went without a hitch. The four of us played some frisbee, talked about Jacob’s latest tantrum, laughed about it, and we decided to go back to my apartment to grab some refreshments. I had bought some beers the night before and planned to share them with my friends. We walked back to my apartment, cracking jokes and talking about our classes. When we entered the apartment, we were met with a sour stench. The kitchen was back in disarray. The garbage was full, the dishes were left out, there were plastic wraps on the floor, sauce smeared on the counter… We looked at each other at the hellstorm that Jacob had caused while I was out. I opened the fridge to try and forget the mess with some beer, but I noticed that all of the food that I had bought yesterday were missing. The beer that I had bought was gone, too. I looked in the garbage and I saw containers of my food there along with my utensils. I felt fury rising in me like I had never experienced before. I was about to unleash the dragon when I heard Jenny gasp.
Jenny: What the fuck?
We ran to the bathroom where she was and we all gagged at the sight of the toilet. Jacob had thrown my vegetables in the toilet and tried to flush it down, only to clog it. It appeared that he needed to use the bathroom and left some turds for us to see.
Me: That’s it. I’m done. I can’t live here anymore.
Per: Jesus Christ, this is disgusting.
Me: I’m fucking moving out.
My friends thankfully offered their help and we gathered what little things I had (mattress, books, bookshelf, dishes, suitcase full of clothes) and put them into Jenny’s car. She offered her couch and I thanked her. (We’re actually dating now!) I haven’t seen or heard from Jacob since, but I have plenty of stories about him from when I lived with him. Never again, though.