To The Guy Who Never Saw Me As More Than A Friend

Trinity Kubassek

From the moment I met you, I knew you were someone special. God permitted me to meet the ideal guy I was looking for. I was too caught up with the idea of you that I got easily attached and was left hanging and broken when I heard the news that you’re courting someone. I left you alone and wished you well and all the happiness in the world. I tried to move on but there’s this lingering thought of what ifs and what could have beens.

I tried reconnecting to see how you were, only to find out that you’re not happy anymore. That the girl I thought will give you everything, is not treating you the way you deserved. I even blamed myself for what happened to you, asking myself, “What if I was able to understand your signals before, would you be experiencing this kind of shit?”

So I tried to be the friend you needed back then. Someone who will understand you and won’t get tired of listening to you. That I didn’t realize I was falling for you again.

I was falling for a guy who’s emotionally damaged. It was a toxic kind of love anyone could get into. But I was too stupid enough by risking it and enduring the pain you’re causing me. I was too busy trying to save you that I was left with the broken pieces.

Day by day, we’re starting to unveil our childhood stories, wisdom, fears and our dreams. We’re starting to get closer that I even went far as admitting it to you that I like you. But I never acted on it. I just want you to know how I feel about you.

After a few months, you told me that you like me too. I was in awe; I was scared and happy at the same time. Because I know things will get fucked up eventually. Because to be honest, it’s too good to be true. But then I still gave it a shot. Maybe because this is all I’ve ever wanted ever since. I was so happy. I was in a state of euphoria for weeks but reality kicked in…

I realized that you only like me and you still love your ex girl; that you’re not capable enough to love me in the long run and see me as someone you can be with. I started to get anxious and insecure that I decided to end it. And you agreed right away. Without hesitation, you left me. You left me with a promise that you won’t leave me. I thought you’re going to run after me but I was wrong. I was the one running after you.

Eventually I got tired. I got tired of understanding you and I got tired of trying to stay in your life. I started to see the things my friends are pointing out from the very beginning, that I shouldn’t be with someone like you. You became a distraction rather than an inspiration. I realized that I gave too much of myself to you that I lost my self-worth… I was only your friend out of convenience. I was never really your priority but only an option. Your side chick that you’ll only talk to if you’re not busy or you’re just plain bored. But for me its different, you’re my number one priority.

I was too good but I was never good enough for you. I was right in front of you but you tried to look the other way.

You tried to seek something I’ve always been letting you feel, which is the way you deserved. I feel sorry for you because you’re too blind and stupid to see me as someone who can do anything and everything for you.

I don’t hate you, mind you. Because I can never hate you. I just hate the fact that I feel sorry for myself that I fell for someone like you. I was too blind to see the signals that you became manipulative in the situation. You took advantage of me and I was too stupid to actually let you use me. I was so intoxicated with the idea of you being a nice guy. A person who can’t intentionally hurt anyone. Most especially if it was me. You made me feel special. But I forgot that I’m not her, I’m just me.

You’re wrong when you told me I never fought for you. Because I am always defending you. And even up to this point, I still am. I’ve always been protective of you to the point I wasn’t able to protect myself from you because that’s how much I love you.

But I didn’t know that loving you would be this tiresome.

I feel sorry for you because you can’t love a person who’s been selfless the whole time she’s with you. You blew up your chance to be with someone who could’ve given the whole world to you.

You let go of someone who might be the best one you’ll never have.

I still wish you that you’ll be happy and well. Have a good life.

Your soon-to-be ex friend. TC mark

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