What I Think About Before I Get To Sleep

The clock ticks and strikes midnight as the second hand goes on top of the minute hand and then starts moving forward again and I’m still unable to fall asleep.

I turn and toss, get up and sit in silence for maybe around 15 seconds and then I lie down again. Forcefully trying to close my eyes shut and block out all the thoughts but that only fills my head and then my mind is filled with cascading thoughts about myself, the ones that I love and hate and my life and questions and this and that.

Sleep is a wonderful thing. it is the only thing that allows our bodies and our minds to reach this period of hiatus from the noise of the outside world and the rumors in the hallways and laughter in the restrooms and the remarks from our teachers or bosses.

But here comes the irony. I’m on my on the train, going home, 40 minutes more until I can drop myself on my bed and forget everything. But that is far from what anyone would expect to happen.

As I lie down and stare at the faint textures of the ceiling in the dark and hear the vague noise of the cars driving by with youngsters blasting their music to the fullest and having the time of their lives. As the mood of the mellow piano keys matches mine, one after the other, thoughts start overflowing.

I think about the smile the stranger at the bus stop gave me. I think about how tired I was in the morning when I woke up. I think about my family in a land 4000 miles away in a different time zone who are probably sound asleep.

I think about how things will be different exactly a year from now. I think about how confused I am about everything. I think about the painting I did 2 years back that is hanging on my wall back in the bedroom I grew up in. I think about the first fight I had with my best friend in 8th grade and how we both sobbed while we tried to apologize to each other.

I think about the smile my crush had as he walked down the hallway today. And then I prepare all the things I would want to tell him one day. And then I recite the words that I would tell him for if he said that he did not feel the same way. I think about how I have never fallen in love before but at the same time I think about how I think I know what love feels like.

I think about endless “what ifs”.

What if I was out and about at this very moment rather than lying still in bed? What if I had talked to that girl sitting outside the supermarket? What if I was with my family right now? What if I would I would have worn that top I really like but I didn’t because I felt slightly insecure? I think about all the people I love and hate and all the people I want to get to know and all the people I wish I hadn’t gotten close to.

I think about all the secrets that I had which are not secrets anymore because they were shared over lunch or dinner with friends on sunny afternoons and calm evenings. I think about all the places I want to travel to with my best friend.

I think about the next photo I want to post on my Instagram. I remember a memory that was once a moment that I lived. And as all these thoughts run past each other in my mind, my eyes start feeling heavy and my mind finally calls it a day.