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My First Love Was a Lion Tamer

In my memory, he is smiling. His hair is blond, nearly as white as his teeth, and his skin is the color of peanut butter. His entire body is wrapped in iridescent blue spandex; it shimmers, but not so brightly as the silver rope trim and the rhinestones arranged in swirling galaxies across his broad chest.

The Hipster Never Was

This was a misjudgment. Not growing up — that is, the refusal to put away childish things and indeed to maintain and affirm one’s inner child, even to the extent that it may blossom into an outer child, though with the wrinkled face of a seeming adult—this is in no sense a problem. Childhood is the only source of authenticity in America.

Why You Missed All Of The CMJ Bands You Were Totally Going To See

You might read all of these tweets and status updates and feel excited and attempt to assemble a CMJ ‘plan of attack’ for yourself and your friends. The official CMJ website seeks to facilitate this by implementing a ‘schedule builder’ so that you can put all the bands you are theoretically going to see into one schedule so you will always know where to go for which ‘act.’

Return to High School

I was pimply, shy and didn’t know anyone – and they had all been attending the same area schools together since kindergarten. A group of boys decided to bark at me every day as I walked through the halls, left a dog biscuit on my desk, howled at me for amusement. They quickly gave me an identity I wouldn’t shed for the next two years – Doglin.

A Phone Conversation with James Franco

Right. And afterwards, this boy pawns her off on all of his friends and she sleeps with them, for no apparent reason. At one point, they even gangbang her and she’s somodized by a carrot. They give her the nickname, Chinatown.

Steak Ass Bitches, Milking Titties and Bleak Ass Hos

It honestly just seems that our language exists in a sort of private vacuum with little outside influence where variations on words and themes get ‘compounded’ via literally hundreds of hours of chatting and thousands of emails to produce what a ‘newcomer’ might see as offensive and absurd and very weird…

Dominant Trends That Control the Tumblr User Base

Tumblr users share a number of recurring gimmicks – love for Nutella, appreciation for artfully decorated cupcakes, floral print dresses, Starbucks beverages, rainy Paris passageways, and celestial landscapes of Helvetica-emblazoned skylines. They display a propensity to reblog film photos from disposable cameras…

This Charles Manson Jean Jacket Has Nothing to Do With Anything

This is the setup. Ms. Rubin is wending her sweet way thorough the West Village when she spots these two “hipsters” ahead of her. One of whom is wearing what is supposedly rather offensive attire. Ms. Julia Rubin snaps the following photo as evidence, as proof, as a way to say this person really went there…

Deborah Mitford: Wait for Me!

She goes on to say that “when she [Pamela] became pregnant he took her to the north of Norway and drove for miles over bumpy roads with the inevitable result of a miscarriage.”   Unity (“always the odd one out,” says her sister), fell madly in love with Hitler and, when Britain declared war on Germany, she shot herself in the head with a pearl-handled revolver in a Munich park…

HBO’S Bored to Death

Bored follows the same formula as other 30-minute HBO cult-hits like Entourage and Sex and the City — a group of oddball friends from different backgrounds who stick together no matter what. No matter how many dudes Samantha slept with, or how many times Mr. Big came back, no matter how loud Ari screams, and no matter what Jonathan Ames does, everybody’s always cool with everybody at the end of the day.

Why I’m Dying to See Colin Firth’s Next Movie

I read recently in Time magazine that the 2011 Oscar race for Best Picture might be a done deal: The King’s Speech is the one to beat. It’s a period film about how George VI, King-Emperor of the British Empire, overcame a crippling stammer, with the help of his speech therapist Lionel Logue, and led the country through World War II.

Stand-Up Comedy Seems Chill

Richard Pryor brilliantly laid bare the undercurrent of sadness in comedy when he did sets that unexpectedly took a serious turn, without segue or explanation, and if you watch some of his videos you can hear the crowd growing quieter and quieter…

CMJ: Mexican Summer Bummer

I don’t even really understand what CMJ is. All I know is that every October, New York gets inundated with new bands and everyone gets super stressed out. People tell me things like, “Oh God, CMJ is back. I’m going to be so busy for the next week. It’s going to be insane.”

Dan Hoffman, College Graduate (Part 2)

I feel inspired as I drive back home. Inspired that work can be fun, a place where I can be eccentric and ironic and have my ego reinflated a little. But, I realize, coming to every shift totally sleep-deprived in a state of delirium is unrealistic.

Who Are The ‘Influencers’ Influencing?

The term itself is absurd: Influencer. Any reasonable person would laugh at such a title, perhaps go as far as classify it as a fairly pretentious way to view one’s self. But it turns out more and more “young creatives” have adopted the moniker as a badge of honor, an indicator of how they perceive their role in life.

Unsolicited Explanation of a Grill

The plural of grill is not grills but “grillz”; such liberty in spelling has rhetorical agenda which stem from disenfranchised urban communities asserting their own vernacular as a form of cultural dissent and self-empowerment. The usurpation of plural ‘s’ to ‘z’ is recognized as “street cred.”

When I Was The Editor Of A Magazine

I was the Editor In Chief for two issues before we folded, but I SWEAR it wasn’t my fault. Or was it? I don’t know, but the founder kept her promise and was not mad at me. Staff morale was low because they missed they old editor and I didn’t do coke afterhours. The recession hit and someone said “PRINT IS DEAD!” and everyone suddenly believed it.

Thought Controlled Computing Seems Bleak

Thought controlled computing is an interface that allows an individual to affect his or her physical reality by the sole act of thinking. At the forefront of consumer-centric thought controlled computing is Ontario-based company InteraXon, who produced the video inside.

The Obama Streaker and the Value of a Viral

These days marketers are saying sentences like: “well our orange soda commercial got 1800 ‘likes’ on Facebook (i.e. “i do, i do, i do-oo’s”), but I’m not really sure what that is going to mean in terms of actual sales”; or “our webside got 1 million views in the first week but it is unclear how many of those viewers are actually going to buy.”

John Julius Norwich: Trying to Please

Norwich is a born storyteller with a narrative gift and very considerable charm. It may just be that his own beloved nanny told him what Nancy Mitford’s told her before pushing her into a room full of people: “Remember, you are the least important person in that room.”

Gary Lutz: I Looked Alive

Picture someone at a large publishing company rejecting Gary Lutz because he is “too difficult to read” before going to lunch at the Four Seasons, laughing something-something sucking snails going “this guy thinks he’s Proust or some shit but I need the numbers where are the numbers you’ve got the numbers” over a pair of sparkling cocktails with Nicholas Sparks or whoever is topping the charts…

How Dare You Talk to Me Like That?

But that’s not all that’s bugging me today. What about those phrases that are sturdily constructed, perfectly spelled, but nonetheless make little sense? Here are the worst repeat offenders, some of the strangest things people say in English.

All the Apple Products I’ve Ever Owned

I was in my car and on my way to buy an Airport Express when my lung collapsed. I decided to go ahead with the purchase, partially because I wasn’t sure what was happening to me, and partially because I had driven 45 minutes in traffic to get to the computer store.

The Most Totally Meta Facebook Game Ever

Engineered to lambaste Facebook gaming products as spearheaded by arguably the most popular Facebook game, ‘FarmVille,’ Cow Clicker simply required of players who install the game to click on a picture of a cow, the picture of a cow then appears in the player’s Facebook feed with the notification ‘[Facebook user] is clicking their cow.’

How To Fall In Love With A Boy For The First Time

Ask him out online. Be very nervous and think about the possibility of getting rejected. You don’t feel cute enough to be loved so you would understand if he said no way, Jose, and stopped talking to you. Luckily, this doesn’t happen and after a three-hour conversation on AIM, you have somebody to be in a relationship with on Facebook.

I Was in a Paid Studio Audience

It’s 117 degrees in downtown LA. The hottest day in recorded history. My dress has long sleeves. The line stretches from the studio gate, down the street and around the corner. We are separated by gender. I’ve just entered the world of the “paid audience member.”

Willow Smith Is The New Beyonce

“Whip My Hair” opens in a sterile, all white cafeteria with everybody wearing the same outfits. Y-A-W-N. But! In comes Little Miss Willow to save the day with her bedazzled eyes, lips, and nails and a gigantesque heart shaped braid pouring out of her head.

How to Achieve Mad Hype on Lookbook

Lookbook.nu is a hugely successful fashion aggregator that allows teens, tweens, and young adults all across the globe to submit photographs of themselves in extremely trendy outfits. The community, while once exclusive, is now open to all interested users regardless of their style credentials.

Leonardo DiCaprio Stress Index

Ever more pigeon-holed as the “stressed out protagonist,” what follows is an in depth analysis of some of Leonardo DiCaprio’s more notable works, from which the said description is derived. This contributor apologizes for any glibness, a tone employed in aid of pedestrian honesty.

How I Quit YouTube and Learned to Love to Read TV

Question of the day: Are you still a couch potato if what you’re doing on that sofa doesn’t involve channel surfing with a remote control, spending hours watching videos on YouTube, or simply napping? What I mean to ask is this: Do couch potatoes read, too?

Die Antwoord: Straight From The Horses Piel

I finally took in the film this morning however, and holy shit. It’s easy to see the moth-to-light appeal of Ninja (Watkin Tudor Jones), Die Antwoord’s cartoon-like emcee who can’t speak three words without saying fuck, and lines like this: “If you don’t know what I’m saying, don’t worry about it, it’s like we’re in the fucking future now.”

Clayton Clayton: Unsung Superstar

22-year-old Los Angeles native Clay “Clayton Clayton” Hawkins calls himself the “King of Hard Pop.” He is a relentless self-promoter, a glitter-gun toting and gladiator mask wearing glam-rocker, a hardcore documentary addict, an unsung singing superstar and a fierce dresser. Don’t google him.

Farewell, Dame Joan!

He credited her with teaching him how to breathe, and his voice became what we all now remember.  She was an ethereal Violetta to his Alfredo, a magnificent Lucia to his Edgardo, a melting Desdemona to his Otello.  When they were joined by the brilliant American mezzo-soprano Marilyn Horne, the fireworks never stopped.

RE:FORM SCHOOL

This past weekend, 150+ contemporary artists came together from across the country to take part in RE:FORM SCHOOL, a combination group art exhibition, event series and public awareness campaign in a call for the reform of the American Public Education System.

YOUR BOYFRIEND IS GAY!!!!

Zsa Zsa Zsu is fabulous.  It makes our stomach spin and our eyes go starry and it makes us feel young and ebullient and hopeful.  But the thing about it is this: it is entirely divorced from those rational characteristics we want in a man.  Remember those?  Smart, cute, funny, kind?  Yeah, didn’t think so. 

Who Needs Clothes?

French writer Jean Cocteau once wrote, “The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.” I say, sure — if you’re a whore. Twain had it much more spot-on. According to him — an American, by the way — clothes make the man… naked people have little or no influence on society.

The Horror of Love

It was a different kind of scary, so different that I don’t even know if it really qualifies as a horror movie, but my gut was clenched the whole time and Joe kept swatting my hands away from my face: “Don’t cover your eyes! Don’t cover your eyes!”

Henry James: 10 Quotes

Henry James is an author that many people love to hate. The scars of reading James too early or too quickly––or reading the wrong Henry James altogether––can take a lifetime to heal, which is a shame, because his stories are some of the most memorable in fiction.

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