I wear glasses that are not prescription. My glasses are not real, in the sense that they do not help me see, but saying they are not real is actually absurd. They are very real, based on our shared definition of what constitutes ‘glasses.’ They have frames. They have lenses inside those frames.
Don’t freak out, but if you’re reading this, you’re probably single. You already knew this, of course, but sometimes it stings a little when a total stranger points fingers and is all like “You’re alone!” But no worries: being single in 2012 is going to be pee-your-pants awesome and abundantly fulfilling.
Are you sad? Looking to be? A non-exhaustive list for your listening… pleasure.
When Lady Gaga first came out with her pre-packaged made-for-the-gay-club dance tracks, I was a little more than underwhelmed. I mean, sure, they were fun to dance to while hooking up with someone on the dance floor or pre-gaming at your apartment but they didn’t excite me. They were, at best, solid pop songs. But to be an icon, you have to have more than a hot single.
Say wonderful. Means something which inspires delight, pleasure, and admiration. Say wonderful because it fits, like compatible and forever night conversation — every cliché come to life.
Once parental support ended, my journey into the city’s more… gentrifying, transitional, border (whatever the slightly racist term of art is now)… neighborhoods began. And so did my proclivity for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
It’s disgusting to have entire generations of people growing up thinking they are ugly simply because they are an average human size. And the FAM is right on in its assertions that being overweight doesn’t necessarily imply poor health — for the most part.
I made a beeline for the food court where I was horrified to see what looked like a middle school orgy occurring at some of the tables. 13-year-old girls were sitting in their boyfriend/ future Radio Shack salesman’s lap and straddling them in plain sight! It was like the movie Thirteen but in bad florescent lighting and with some orange chicken strewn about.
Guess where your significant other is tonight! This is a super fun guessing game! What you do is you date someone who doesn’t really like you but you haven’t admitted that to yourself, and then spend a lot of time worrying where they are and who they are with when they ignore your texts!
People go through the same stuff. Again, this is not a revolutionary concept but it’s something that people often toss aside when experiencing jealousy and insecurity. When you see the feelings taking a hold of you, you must remember these important things: people poop and are lonely and need a big hug.
So while you break out your shiniest 70s leisure suit, make sure to order only a vintage bottle of Andre, and seal this second-date deal right here and now, here are a few tips to make sure that all will go its best.
Look away from The Married Guy. He is either faithful, in which case you should concentrate your energy on trying not to hate his wife for her obscene good fortune, or cheating, in which case you should concentrate your energy on hoping he falls down and breaks his ankle, at a minimum.
Here’s a video of Mischa Barton behaving erratically and looking STONED AS HELL while she talks about fashion or Darwinism or whatever. Honestly, I can’t tell if she’s coming up or coming down, but even Marisa Cooper would be frightened and say to her, “GET IT TOGETHER, PSYCHO!”
After dinner, I’ll watch a documentary about how wasteful our society is and how we could feed every starving person in Haiti with the food we throw out each year. The whole time, I’ll be thinking of that Portlandia sketch about dumpster divers and the Haitians will seem like they’re on another planet, far beyond my reach.
We live in exhilarating and confounding times. Mostly confounding. Here’s a concise glossary to help you make sense of it all without having to talk to anybody or subscribe to Wired magazine.
I will know your body very well by now. It’ll start to look like a worn map with wears and tears (ew) and I’ll know exactly what buttons to push. The next step is getting to know the ins and outs of your mind but we’ll save that for the winter when we’re cold, bored, and feeling fat and unsexy.
If watching a TV show about meth is this exciting, then seeing meth in person would probably give me a heart attack, and actually using the drug would cause my hands and feet to explode off of my body. I am, as they say, hooked. The first three seasons are on Netflix. I’ve given up showering to watch.
On the other hand, when couples argue, all that pragmatic rhetoric falls away, and what we’re left with is this: a contest to see who can say the most emotionally debilitating thing possible to the other person.
Usually kicking off right after school and continuing into the dusky hours when your parents would line up to take you home, they were those tender moments in which you could fall in love, break a heart, or just be the kid painfully attempting to break dance in the middle of the circle.
The Party Girl still hits the old haunts, but now it’s mostly to reminisce with her bartender friends about old crazy antics instead of to create new mayhem. She used to sleep with the band guy back in the day, and now when she runs into him on the street she is stunned by how old and tired he looks; all gin blossoms and jowl.
I’ve manicured my hands and dyed my hair and perfumed my skin for you and, the whole while, I’ve told myself that it would make you love me. I’ve made sure I was the funniest in the room, the wittiest in the conversation, convincing myself that it would make you change your mind.
I sleep with a plush rabbit called Tubby, although to describe him as plush is a stretch; he is more worn, like an overused dishtowel, or a well-loved sweater — thin, transparent, and drooping from its owner’s shoulders…
You need someone in your life who excites you, makes you nervous, and forces you to question what you think you already know. These usually come in the form of a crush or a relationship. A relationship is obviously ideal but a crush can tide you over like a nice appetizer. We spend so much of our time feeling jaded and set in our ideas, and that’s clearly not a fun way to exist.
You can haggle for literally everything in India — even when there are signs saying “Price is fixed.” The process is like interpretive dance: Prices hang in limbo while unresolved arms sway and strike poses to the rhythms of sari fabrics brushing through sultry dust. The choreography ends only when one partner promenades away or both acquiesce with side-to-side nods of the head, like metronomes syncing to the tempo.
I’m “the truth” and the club is Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men.
Moving on is like this: one day you forget the taste. The next, you forget the smell. Then the touch. Then the laugh. Then the smile. Then the jokes. Then the eyes, the hair, the hands, the feet. You forget the socks. You forget the fingers, the toes, the sex.
Over the years I have tried a variety of different diets, with varying levels of success. As usual, I’ve retained only the parts that interest me. I’m on a healthy eating kick right now, so the force of my diet knowledge is extra strong, and I wanted to share the benefits with you.
You check the size, and it’s… more or less your size. You slip it on and, uhh, it pretty much fits. If you don’t move your arms too far forward and you don’t button the second button, yeah, you can get this thing on.
Call it global warming. Call it climate change. Fact is, you can’t have it both ways. Either we can play Frisbee in shorts and t-shirts in the dead of winter or we can have polar ice caps and glaciers and regular weather patterns.
It’s weird to see your standards raise because it feels like it happens almost involuntarily. Like 21-year-old me would’ve totally slept with a “freelancer” named Teal who had a bunk bed but 25-year-old me says, “I’M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OUT OF HERE!” Even if my penis is DTF, my brain is like, “No, Ryan. Go to the library or something. This dude has crabs.”
In a sense, I like waiting, or I’ve tried to learn to like it anyway. I’ve become resigned to the fact that it’s just a symptom of how people are: They are late and I am waiting, if not for them then for something else, something I’m not sure of, so what’s the difference anyway.
Comedian Mike Birbiglia once went sleeprunning out a second story window. He now sleeps in a sleeping bag with mittens on his hands so he can’t unzip his nightly cocoon. He has to protect himself from himself before nodding off.
With the trainer, I would practice responses to any conceivable justification that an alumni might give for their stinginess. “I’m sorry to hear that you’ve lost your job. Remember, any donation you give is tax-deductible.” “You’re still paying loans? Try to consider the students who will have to pay loans of their own.”
I still see you everywhere I go. The blocks we walked together, the restaurants we ate at, the houses we slept together in: it keeps us barely alive. This restaurant still being here is proof that you once loved me. As long as Joanne Street doesn’t blow up, it will remain a reminder of what happened between us. Maybe if I eat at this restaurant more or move into a house on Joanne Street, it will bring you back.
Ah, 2012. So young. So innocent. So full of potential. Rife with the possibility of that which you could not accomplish last year. Make the most of this blank slate before it’s tarnished by your unflappable couch-sitting…
If you’re working a 9-5 or some nontraditional equivalent and your job requires you use the internet, you’re spending approximately 33% of your day online. A lot can happen during those eight hours. We Get To Know People. People we already know, people we’ve met once, people we’ve never met at all.
I keep knocking over cups and boxes. I forget where I left my keys, then forget why I wanted to go out in the first place. It’s got to be brain chemistry, some random combination of foods, beverages, sleep cycles, UV light exposure, and humidity that has crippled cognitive function.
Have you ever surreptitiously looked at your lover’s email/ text messages/ Facebook account and not immediately died of shame for being such a terrible person?
While, no, technically you will not be marrying Don Draper, you can rest assured that you are marrying a man both sexy and intuitive enough to bring to life such an incredible character (and make us lust for him, despite his apparent lack of a soul).
How long will I grieve on these set moments? There are the bursts of tears on random moments, but it’s gotten down to these two times a year when I grieve for real. On D-day, or Death Day as I call it, and on your birthday. You were always a year ahead of me, but I’m now older than you’ll ever be.
Shit Babies Say. Shit Dogs Say. Shit Guys Say to Mall Shopping with Their Girlfriends. Shit Drunk Girls Say to Other Drunk Girls. Shit Drunk Girls Say to Guys (In General). Shit Upper Class White Girls Say to Middle Class White Girls.
If I had my way, I’d be in bed as much as an unemployed baby with clinical depression. Except my diagnosis would be “clinical living the dream.”
It was only after we had already booked the trip when I started to get a vague feeling that, contrary to my personal worldview, maybe not everyone considers Las Vegas the Promised Land.
Chairman Meow gained notoriety last year with his fluffy mane and the intensity of his stare. One of the most unimpressed-with-you cats in his generation, Chairman Meow and his admirers represent a new paradigm in feline aloofness.
I wish I could sit here and say that I don’t relate to 99% of this skit but alas, I would be a liar. Multiple girls have uttered phrases to me like “I know this guy — he’s gay — and I think you would like him!” and “I NEED a gay best friend!” thinking that I would honestly take them as complimentary.
Sirte was the last city in Libya to fall, it was the Gaddafi stronghold and the site of the most lucrative oil basin. When Gaddafi’s convoy was hit by militia RPGs in late October, he climbed into a sewer drain in Sirte to protect himself from, what he thought, were NATO drones.
“w00t,” says the office ‘cool guy’, who likes to wear his plaid fedora on the group coffee outings while he explains joyfully to everyone about all the circa 2007 bands in which he is interested.
So when I said, “I’ll get right on that,” she knew I was lying. I knew she knew I was lying. She knew I knew she knew I was lying, and yet, we both maintained the façade.
made out with TV while watching ‘con air’ (crush on nicolas cage, brief period, weird). forgot to windex. mom found it, made me clean it
I just, no matter how much wrinkle cream I preemptively put around my eyes in hopes of staving off those unfortunate early-thirties crow’s feet, I’ll never feel like I’m truly staying young enough. I see 20-year-olds running around my neighborhood and, Christ, they have so much time ahead of them.