Latest Articles

Why I Got Married

It was because I finally found the one human being who fills my heart with joy and whom I couldn’t possibly go another day without lest I shrink to something small and mean and soulless.

How Not To React When I Tell You My Parents Are Dead

While there are plenty of books and message boards about grieving the death of your parents, no one quite prepares you for the odd way people speak to you when it comes up in conversation — and when most people your age still live with their parents, it comes up surprisingly often.

Downloadable Donuts

This all started, as you know, with the invention of the HP Donut Printer F410, a 3D printer that uses special dough and frosting cartridges, baking donuts pixel by pixel with a high powered laser. It’s clear now that HP should’ve known better.

You Can’t Be An Atheist

Scientists are the most beautiful when they are talking about the limitations of science. You can never do an experiment as many times as there are possible outcomes. This is why the scientific method produces theories, not facts. You can’t be an atheist because I’d respect you more if you had a wrong hypothesis than a wrong life-altering metafact.

Perfect Games

Teenagers on the train are the worst. They somehow raise every venue to high school cafeteria volume within seconds. I vote we do away with them.

Motel, U.S.A.

At the other end of the motel, a very tanned, slight man, a kind of sleazier Sting, was standing shirtless in the doorway of his ground floor motel room, talking on the phone. He seemed confident, proud, as if he lived in the Motel 6.

How To Be A Terrible Boyfriend

Only be attentive in bed when you need to be, when you’ve done something truly terrible and need to right your wrongs with them. Otherwise, be lazy, be selfish, be positively useless in the sack. Exude ice when you should be radiating warmth.

Your Facebook Notifications Probably

An old friend from middle school tagged you in a super unflattering series of scanned photographs of a school trip you all went on where you’re either wearing all Limited Too or have severe acne on your forehead. HA HA HA. REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE UGLY?

10 Reasons Why People Hate 20-Somethings

Sometimes we do this thing where we DARE to write about our feelings and then publish it somewhere. I know, THE AUDACITY of those Millennials, right? We clearly missed the memo that all writers didn’t start publishing personal work till they hit 30 and that we should spend our 20s just writing pieces about eskimos and World War 1.

I Could Love You

This happens with everyone. It is inevitable. Once, I was lucky and I could love you turned into I love you. Once, I was unlucky and I could love you turned into I hate you.

3 Money-Saving Tips For Young Professionals

If you’re worried about rising gas prices, take public transportation. A train or bus is like a workout room on wheels with all its opportunities for pull-ups, pushups, and resistance running. Go ahead and cancel that expensive gym membership. Choo choo! Next stop, savings!

How To Save Money

Further reduce utility costs by never turning on your lights as a single light bulb can cost over $0.007 per hour (!), and besides, the darkness will hide you from the shadow people.

Some New Rules For Being Polite

Don’t stand in a crowd on sidewalk, in front of an escalator, or in front of a doorway. Why do people do this? The first thing I do when I get off an escalator is continue moving away from the escalator so I won’t be in people’s way.

I Hate Everything Right Now

“It’s cool. S/he’s probably just busy right now” turns into you singing Beyonce’s “Irreplacable” and imagining the different ways you could set them on fire without getting caught.

Colorado, Nebraska, New York

Colorado, Nebraska, New York

The next day I went to meet someone I needed to tell something. It was raining in Williamsburg. Kids ran past McCarren Park smiling, no umbrellas, soaked. I had a little collapsible black thing she gave me last summer when I lived in Brooklyn and we were still seeing each other.

Happy Shark Week

Do you think sharks are thinking this much about us? Have they ever even stopped swimming around for five minutes to thank us for naming the cooler gang after them in West Side Story? No.

6 Things You Learn From A Summer Fling

Somehow we can convince ourselves, at the beginning of June, that we’ll be fine when the end of August rolls around and it’s time to put things behind us. And yet, when that moment comes, we often start scrambling to make it work through the distance, the difficulty, and the new opportunities of the fall.

My History With Hipsters

When people are abashed to be called a hipster, I can’t help but laugh because, really, what other choice do you have? If you’re wearing something as innocuous as a flannel shirt, you make the cut. It’s silly! Like, call me a hipster. That’s fine because what other stereotype have I been given to work with?

What A Good Teacher Can Do

And in practice, we can be so cruel to teachers. Speaking personally, I went to middle and high schools where respect for authority wasn’t exactly at the top of the priority list. And even if the students weren’t throwing chairs at each other and/or the teacher, they likely still weren’t being decent.

The 7 Best (And Worst) Celebrity Twitter Accounts

She often tweets things like “can’t sleep dang it!” and when she does that, it feels like we’re getting to know THE REAL HER, you know? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I would love to see her be more honest and tweet about getting wasted and taking bong rips (the most salacious gossip we get is when she accidentally eats gluten) but it doesn’t seem very likely.

My Campaign Advice For Mitt Romney

If my strategy leads to your election as President of the United States, I want to legally own them, body and soul: Tagg, Matt, Josh, Ben, and especially Craig will be mine to dress in whatever outfits I choose.

5 Steps To Throwing The Perfect Summer Party

Food is usually not essential for a party that’s populated by twentysomethings. After all, who do we look like? Our parents? Someone with any extra money? But for an outdoor summer party, it’s crucial to provide your guests with some sustenance. Go the Portlandia route and tell people it’s a potluck.

Please Come To My Estate Sale

We’ve got penguin plates, a glass candy dish, prescription painkillers, a pencil drawing of a burning tree, and an old yellow quilt. Only one dollar for my parents’ old yellow quilt. I promise it’s not the quilt my father wrapped himself in like a womb as death approached.

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