It was because I finally found the one human being who fills my heart with joy and whom I couldn’t possibly go another day without lest I shrink to something small and mean and soulless.
I had no idea David Lynch dabbled in public service announcements.
While there are plenty of books and message boards about grieving the death of your parents, no one quite prepares you for the odd way people speak to you when it comes up in conversation — and when most people your age still live with their parents, it comes up surprisingly often.
This all started, as you know, with the invention of the HP Donut Printer F410, a 3D printer that uses special dough and frosting cartridges, baking donuts pixel by pixel with a high powered laser. It’s clear now that HP should’ve known better.
Scientists are the most beautiful when they are talking about the limitations of science. You can never do an experiment as many times as there are possible outcomes. This is why the scientific method produces theories, not facts. You can’t be an atheist because I’d respect you more if you had a wrong hypothesis than a wrong life-altering metafact.
Teenagers on the train are the worst. They somehow raise every venue to high school cafeteria volume within seconds. I vote we do away with them.
Understand that money not going directly toward rent, bills, or hollow but necessary needs does not automatically qualify as “fun money.”
At the other end of the motel, a very tanned, slight man, a kind of sleazier Sting, was standing shirtless in the doorway of his ground floor motel room, talking on the phone. He seemed confident, proud, as if he lived in the Motel 6.
I’ve mastered the art of changing topics, deflecting and using sarcasm to escape the grasps of any intimate or layered question thrown my way. It’s not a purposeful, focused defensive plan — it’s more of an uncontrollable curse.
Only be attentive in bed when you need to be, when you’ve done something truly terrible and need to right your wrongs with them. Otherwise, be lazy, be selfish, be positively useless in the sack. Exude ice when you should be radiating warmth.
You’re not quite the one because we’ve never had the chance to see if you are. Maybe we never will.
For one, yeah, I love talking, and I was really bored. But I wanted something from him. I wanted this guy to make it seem like I wasn’t exactly where I was, working the job I was. I wanted to express: I just work here as an after school job. I am smart. I am going to be a great American writer.
An old friend from middle school tagged you in a super unflattering series of scanned photographs of a school trip you all went on where you’re either wearing all Limited Too or have severe acne on your forehead. HA HA HA. REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE UGLY?
I’m sick of looking at my shadow and thinking about my body and I’m tired of you looking at it.
Sometimes we do this thing where we DARE to write about our feelings and then publish it somewhere. I know, THE AUDACITY of those Millennials, right? We clearly missed the memo that all writers didn’t start publishing personal work till they hit 30 and that we should spend our 20s just writing pieces about eskimos and World War 1.
This happens with everyone. It is inevitable. Once, I was lucky and I could love you turned into I love you. Once, I was unlucky and I could love you turned into I hate you.
Rappers are starting to sound less like they’re bragging and more like they’re listing their tax write offs.
A master of his craft, Rakoff always knew just the right amount of risibility needed to bring balance to life’s unpleasant, and oftentimes harsh, realities “I had a tumor. But it was great.”How brilliant is that?
Many people are getting really sick of us talking about our passionate love for the 90s and current struggle as twenty-somethings. I say if you don’t want to see or hear about it cover your eyes or plug your ears. I mean, 90s pop culture really is that damn good.
He’s magnetic to watch and he’s a good-looking guy on any metric. Give him a role where he’s the love interest or hell, even where he’s just a normal guy whose height isn’t mentioned.
If you’re worried about rising gas prices, take public transportation. A train or bus is like a workout room on wheels with all its opportunities for pull-ups, pushups, and resistance running. Go ahead and cancel that expensive gym membership. Choo choo! Next stop, savings!
FedEx Kinko’s is America’s premiere destination for copies, presentations, and business printing. Yet whenever I go in there, it feels like the store could be more efficiently run by puppies and easily confused clowns.
A realistic Hulk story would involve Dr. Banner suing his employer for medical costs and then living off of the workman’s comp, drinking at local bars, and goading cocky townies into fights.
Does your mother actually hate me, or is that just a thing you say when we’re arguing because you know it’ll make me upset?
Remember 1995? Clinton was on that White House tip, OJ Simpson was on trial, and these fifth graders from Helena, Montana were caught on camera dropping truth bombs about the internet.
Further reduce utility costs by never turning on your lights as a single light bulb can cost over $0.007 per hour (!), and besides, the darkness will hide you from the shadow people.
On the top of his bejeweled and fried throne is the Hot Pocket joke to end all food jokes.
WHO’S THE KITTY? …Is it you?
Don’t stand in a crowd on sidewalk, in front of an escalator, or in front of a doorway. Why do people do this? The first thing I do when I get off an escalator is continue moving away from the escalator so I won’t be in people’s way.
“It’s cool. S/he’s probably just busy right now” turns into you singing Beyonce’s “Irreplacable” and imagining the different ways you could set them on fire without getting caught.
Well, if you’re not going to get that gym membership (a perennial list marker), you might as well actually read those 10,000 books you always say you’re going to get around to.
Grab some strawberries and kiwi and grapefruit and raspberries and make a delicious, quirky fruit salad. Enjoy the bursting juices on your tongue.
The next day I went to meet someone I needed to tell something. It was raining in Williamsburg. Kids ran past McCarren Park smiling, no umbrellas, soaked. I had a little collapsible black thing she gave me last summer when I lived in Brooklyn and we were still seeing each other.
Renters, we move in and out of houses like unsatisfied ghosts.
Nobody likes a bar of soap decorated with someone else’s body hair and griminess.
Do you think sharks are thinking this much about us? Have they ever even stopped swimming around for five minutes to thank us for naming the cooler gang after them in West Side Story? No.
Somehow we can convince ourselves, at the beginning of June, that we’ll be fine when the end of August rolls around and it’s time to put things behind us. And yet, when that moment comes, we often start scrambling to make it work through the distance, the difficulty, and the new opportunities of the fall.
When people are abashed to be called a hipster, I can’t help but laugh because, really, what other choice do you have? If you’re wearing something as innocuous as a flannel shirt, you make the cut. It’s silly! Like, call me a hipster. That’s fine because what other stereotype have I been given to work with?
I just wanted to reach out to you all and apologize in advance for not lifting a finger at work this morning or afternoon.
And in practice, we can be so cruel to teachers. Speaking personally, I went to middle and high schools where respect for authority wasn’t exactly at the top of the priority list. And even if the students weren’t throwing chairs at each other and/or the teacher, they likely still weren’t being decent.
She often tweets things like “can’t sleep dang it!” and when she does that, it feels like we’re getting to know THE REAL HER, you know? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I would love to see her be more honest and tweet about getting wasted and taking bong rips (the most salacious gossip we get is when she accidentally eats gluten) but it doesn’t seem very likely.
Should I email them a .gif of Will Arnett saying, “I’ve made a huge mistake” from Arrested Development? Will that get the message across?
If my strategy leads to your election as President of the United States, I want to legally own them, body and soul: Tagg, Matt, Josh, Ben, and especially Craig will be mine to dress in whatever outfits I choose.
So on top of their daughter’s death, these parents had to sit through a trial they didn’t even want to have. And the person at fault was defended by the insurance company that was supposed to cover Katie. Just…wow.
Gallery Girls claims to be about hungry Millennials climbing the ladder in the art world but, at its core, it’s a show about rivalry.
Club Monaco dresses and Chanel makeup are not good reasons to be broke. But plane tickets, traveling, and new experiences are.
This way madness lies.
Food is usually not essential for a party that’s populated by twentysomethings. After all, who do we look like? Our parents? Someone with any extra money? But for an outdoor summer party, it’s crucial to provide your guests with some sustenance. Go the Portlandia route and tell people it’s a potluck.
While everyone else in America grew up in happy, immaculate, normal families, I grew up in a dyspeptic Warner Brothers cartoon.
We’ve got penguin plates, a glass candy dish, prescription painkillers, a pencil drawing of a burning tree, and an old yellow quilt. Only one dollar for my parents’ old yellow quilt. I promise it’s not the quilt my father wrapped himself in like a womb as death approached.