CON: Can’t take the usual 20 – 60 front-facing iPhone camera pics of yourself as usual.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, HUH? Do you not like creativity? Do you not like awesome luxury hotels and working with acclaimed film directors?! For the love of God, just get it together and submit!
“We have no unquantifiable right to freedom,” warns 1963 Nobel laureate John Eccles, “We are only entitled to freedom insofar as we fulfill the duties of respecting and living up to the freedom we already have.”
In “State of the Union, 2004,” Vidal wrote, “Happily for the busy lunatics who rule over us, we are permanently the United States of Amnesia. We learn nothing because we remember nothing.”
Let me drop a little truth bomb on you. I’ve already lived through approximately 1,350 weekends.
Open Excel and start making a nonsensical spreadsheet or one of your favorite bars ranked by drink price and ambiance.
Brandon Scott Gorrell, Stephanie Georgopulos and I chat about music videos we grew up watching. This week: “My Own Worst Enemy” by Lit.
See all of your friends from home one last time and remind yourself of how much you love them, how big a part of you they are, and how you should do better to keep in touch with them during the school year.
You know Lance Armstrong. From the TV. From his books. From his magazine covers. From his cancer. From his infidelity. From his bracelets that were such a fad for about six weeks there a few years back.
I call him two days later, tipsy enough to admit that I miss his voice, and he doesn’t answer. He checks in to a pizza place in Adams Morgan on foursquare.
“Sorry if I said anything crazy yesterday. I was really, really drunk,” I text him the next morning. I can’t remember if I called him, and the saved texts don’t reveal much. “Will you still pick me up from the airport?”
The stress dream I have about my teeth usually goes like this: I’m sitting with some people, on a carpet or out to dinner or wherever, and I start to nonchalantly pull my teeth out one by one.
Colored fingertips are the surefire sign of a cheese/spicy flavored chip lover — they basically serve as our badge of honor.
I know you must get that a lot, and on good days you probably let it slide. You think, “We’re happy and that’s all that matters,” you think, “Some people are just ignorant, but that’s not our problem.”
I’ve recently discovered a little diversion technique that’s become extremely useful to me, and I feel like I should share.
Anyone who claims they KNOW a woman who was “legitimately raped” would NEVER keep the baby is a liar and a sociopath who doesn’t understand the nuances of humanity.
This uh… short story is a prime example of what happens when you replace every word in the sentence with Word’s suggested synonyms.
Let’s never allow ourselves to believe in the ludicrous idea that there’s only one kind of love, and that you either have it or you don’t.
There is no legitimate reason that an otherwise prosperous, fun, adventurous night needs to end with you texting your completely indifferent ex with something the lines of “I can’t stop thinking about you.” That is just something that no one needs in their life.
If there’s a Great Band No One Has Ever Heard Of, then I’m sure I’ll hear about it within two months, or six months, on Pitchfork, or Spotify, or freaking VH1 a year later. I don’t care. I don’t mind being one year behind. Duh, that’s what “timeless” means.
Honestly, I have never thought of pole dancing as an activity that required any skill but I was wrong. These girls were truly athletic and knew what they were doing on that thing. It should be an Olympic sport. I’m not even kidding.
Deciding at some point that you’re simply not going to be productive for the remainder of day.
What are the actual odds that without opening Twitter first thing, I’ll somehow not find out about the zombie apocalypse until it’s too late? Don’t answer that. This is an actual reoccurring stress dream I have. I don’t want to know.
We’re not gonna make it to March without that uncomfortable feeling you get from watching what you think is an exciting sexual encounter, but turns out to actually be super creepy incest.
What am I saying? It’s in my bag. Of course, let me just dig around in here. Well, I don’t feel a twenty. Stop. Let’s do this logically. I’ll just dump everything in my bag out on the table. There’s my lip balm, oh that’s where I put those headphones, now if I could just find—no, it’s not in here either!
There’s one other dude there who’s super into knives but too shy to say it in front of his gun-toting cohorts. You guys get to talking and become life long best friends.
All My High School Friends Cook Meth Now
I wrote down everything that went into my mouth, everything from a stick of gum to five peanuts. If I wasn’t feeling lightheaded, if I wasn’t passing out, I figured I could always stand to halve the portion.
When “Rolling In The Deep” gained sincere radio play, the focus was on Adele rather than the song. When “Just A Girl” introduced the charts to Gwen Stefani and No Doubt, the band had more personality than the track in question.
If a restaurant carries an item with a tasty sounding description, but an extremely difficult name to pronounce, I’ll order a different dish.
Who knows what it means that I feel so alienated and inside myself that the thought of humoring someone else’s presence makes me feel like a cat being forced into a bathtub? Who knows what that says about my relationship with the person I’m dating? Does it mean we’re not right for each other? Or does it mean I have issues?
Endured the company of terrible people without throwing my drink on them.
Right, so let’s start with the pants. When I saw that they were somehow able to combine floral, paisley and plaid, I knew I had to have them.
In fourth grade, we often flirted by making fun of a girl on the playground because we didn’t know any better. But somewhere between the ages of 13 and 20, I’d imagine most guys learned how to flirt for real.
The only thing that truly matters is how I want to be judged. So, I guess I want to be judged as myself. Funny or not funny, coward or hero, I need to do this.
Write a veritable essay of thoughts and feelings, receive a sparse “heh” or “lol” in return. Feel like a complete idiot every time you receive a response.
New from Red Stripe UK — Make With A Red Stripe, an initiative in collaboration with Noisey to feature the true creators behind Europe’s biggest annual cultural gathering — The Notting Hill Carnival.
But now that every person with a smart phone has instant access to every bit of human knowledge, not only do you have to be right 100% of the time, you have to be right with stunning accuracy.
I looked at him, and then at his brown shag carpet. And then I bent my knees as if going down for prayer. I kissed him and he handed me the tissue.
It’s like whoever used to design their layouts stopped showing up to work in 1993 and the editors just haven’t noticed yet.
I fabricated a skirmish when I was stationed in Iraq. I feel bad about this one. Speaking of video games, the troop I was covering would play Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare on slow days, inviting myself and a few of the other “cool” reporters into the gaming tent.
I know I love you because I want to listen, I really do. I don’t have anywhere to be that can’t wait for a while and I’m not checking my phone, in fact turned it off and buried it in the cushions the moment you said you needed me. I’m here for you and that other thing can wait.
One of the taglines is: “Be a porn star for a weekend, not for the rest of your life.”
But as with the aforementioned Tina Feys and Zooey Deschanels, the slapstick “aren’t-I-such-a-geeky-weirdo” act is often only TV-ready if it is performed by someone who is, in all reality, very attractive and appealing to men.
How many friends do you have who are holding out for the “the girl of their dreams” or “the perfect guy,” like Alicia Silverstone in Clueless? The folks who are always single because no one is ever good enough, “at their level” or “get” them, who seem to find something irreparably wrong with everyone they date?
A deferred tax asset is a tax asset who didn’t get into its first choice of tax asset college in the early decision round, got deferred, and now has to apply regular decision.
You put it on your hip and bopped it up and down making coo-ing noises. The baby smiled in toothless glee. And you smiled too — in a way I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile. It was pure.
While we’re on the subject of clothes, can you please explain how you pull off wearing high-waisted pants and Canadian tuxedoes, ’cause I’m not getting it.
And now you laugh, you laugh at how your animal has drenched me in its fluid. How hilarious. I’ll laugh too: ha ha ha, it’s so adorable how your dog lunged at me, invaded my personal space, and then washed my glorious visage in smelly dumpster juice. Laughing at a violation of my dignity is a great way to nourish our relationship for years to come, you species defector.
Tobias is an albino black man.