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Apathy 2012

“We have no unquantifiable right to freedom,” warns 1963 Nobel laureate John Eccles, “We are only entitled to freedom insofar as we fulfill the duties of respecting and living up to the freedom we already have.”

Love Triangle Limbo

“Sorry if I said anything crazy yesterday. I was really, really drunk,” I text him the next morning. I can’t remember if I called him, and the saved texts don’t reveal much. “Will you still pick me up from the airport?”

The 10 Commandments Of Going Out

There is no legitimate reason that an otherwise prosperous, fun, adventurous night needs to end with you texting your completely indifferent ex with something the lines of “I can’t stop thinking about you.” That is just something that no one needs in their life.

Pitchfork’s “People’s List” Is Not A Scandal

If there’s a Great Band No One Has Ever Heard Of, then I’m sure I’ll hear about it within two months, or six months, on Pitchfork, or Spotify, or freaking VH1 a year later. I don’t care. I don’t mind being one year behind. Duh, that’s what “timeless” means.

A Gay Man Goes To A Straight Strip Club

Honestly, I have never thought of pole dancing as an activity that required any skill but I was wrong. These girls were truly athletic and knew what they were doing on that thing. It should be an Olympic sport. I’m not even kidding.

5 Ways To Improve The Morning Ritual

What are the actual odds that without opening Twitter first thing, I’ll somehow not find out about the zombie apocalypse until it’s too late? Don’t answer that. This is an actual reoccurring stress dream I have. I don’t want to know.

On Losing And Finding My 20s

What am I saying? It’s in my bag. Of course, let me just dig around in here. Well, I don’t feel a twenty. Stop. Let’s do this logically. I’ll just dump everything in my bag out on the table. There’s my lip balm, oh that’s where I put those headphones, now if I could just find—no, it’s not in here either!

When Are You Over An Eating Disorder?

I wrote down everything that went into my mouth, everything from a stick of gum to five peanuts. If I wasn’t feeling lightheaded, if I wasn’t passing out, I figured I could always stand to halve the portion.

Could You Just Please Leave Me Alone Today, Please?

Who knows what it means that I feel so alienated and inside myself that the thought of humoring someone else’s presence makes me feel like a cat being forced into a bathtub? Who knows what that says about my relationship with the person I’m dating? Does it mean we’re not right for each other? Or does it mean I have issues?

How To Date A Loser

Write a veritable essay of thoughts and feelings, receive a sparse “heh” or “lol” in return. Feel like a complete idiot every time you receive a response.

The Makers Of Carnival

New from Red Stripe UK — Make With A Red Stripe, an initiative in collaboration with Noisey to feature the true creators behind Europe’s biggest annual cultural gathering — The Notting Hill Carnival.

Try Not To Drown

I looked at him, and then at his brown shag carpet. And then I bent my knees as if going down for prayer. I kissed him and he handed me the tissue.

The Full Catalog Of My Journalistic Wrongdoings

I fabricated a skirmish when I was stationed in Iraq. I feel bad about this one. Speaking of video games, the troop I was covering would play Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare on slow days, inviting myself and a few of the other “cool” reporters into the gaming tent.

How I Know I Love You

I know I love you because I want to listen, I really do. I don’t have anywhere to be that can’t wait for a while and I’m not checking my phone, in fact turned it off and buried it in the cushions the moment you said you needed me. I’m here for you and that other thing can wait.

If You Want To Date Someone Great, Be Someone Great

How many friends do you have who are holding out for the “the girl of their dreams” or “the perfect guy,” like Alicia Silverstone in Clueless? The folks who are always single because no one is ever good enough, “at their level” or “get” them, who seem to find something irreparably wrong with everyone they date?

I Hate Your Dog

And now you laugh, you laugh at how your animal has drenched me in its fluid. How hilarious. I’ll laugh too: ha ha ha, it’s so adorable how your dog lunged at me, invaded my personal space, and then washed my glorious visage in smelly dumpster juice. Laughing at a violation of my dignity is a great way to nourish our relationship for years to come, you species defector.

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