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The Bums I Met My First Year Living In Boston

Bald Lady has yet to develop (or even discover) civility.  Her behavior is comparable to that of a cross between a small child and an abrasive parrot; it is characterized by incessant pleading, whining, and yelling when she is not given what she wants. 

A Plea To Facebook Hippies

It seems like every Monday morning I trudge into work, log into Facebook and find you at the top of my news feed: jeans rolled-up, in mid-dive over a beautiful mountain spring. Or in a dimly lit bar, engaged in conversation with some transient friend of yours (you look like you’re saying something to the effect of “Yeah, well it’s only illegal because the government saw it as a threat to the paper industry and blah blah blah”).

Some Of The Different Kinds Of Internet Identities You Can Have

The Religious Person is really bad at the internet. They use it mostly to post Bible verses or pictures of them vacationing at the Grand Canyon. Lurking them on the internet can cause you to fall into a hilarious Jesus K-hole, which basically involves looking at a lot of people who have the names Kristee or Isaiah or Sara.

People I’d Like To Play Me In A Movie About My Life

Let’s imagine that I’m Kat schumuck-McClane-throbbing-member-Greek-Australian-Brooklynite George but that for some inexplicable reason all this is incredibly interesting, more interesting than keeping up with the Kardashians even, and Quentin Tarantino, or Spielberg-Lucas or Disney decides that the story of my life would murder the box office and so they decide to make a movie.

Iowa State Fair Now Selling Deep Fried Butter

America sure is winning hard lately, isn’t it? Let me count the ways America is winning. Crazy Republicans, spineless Democrats, a tanking economy, rampant corruption, a terrible job market, widespread diabetes, corporate evil… I should stop before I get too upset over here. But not before adding one more: deep fried butter!

Am I A Crazy Person?

We curb those weird feelings that freak us out and go about our day as a happy functioning person of society. But I think in this day and age especially when we feel ruled by social norms, “going crazy” has been exoticised. Not abiding by the implicit rules feels extremely liberating.

Play On, Playlist: A Guide To Avoiding Mix Tape Mistakes

If you’re going to slip in a classic, make it something a little further off the beaten path. If you must include some Journey, go with “Lights.” Avoid “Wheel in the Sky.” I think that’s about Jesus. I can’t say that with one hundred percent certainty, but I’m not going to listen to it to be sure.

A Love Letter To Wet Hot American Summer

Entering, I see no single man waiting for a date, so I’m only irritated further. Chris, an old coworker from another restaurant, is thankfully one of the owners and sits with me as I down a beer, becoming less and less open to the idea of this date…

The Unbearable Anxiety Of Dates

Entering, I see no single man waiting for a date, so I’m only irritated further. Chris, an old coworker from another restaurant, is thankfully one of the owners and sits with me as I down a beer, becoming less and less open to the idea of this date…

5 Things You Can Do In A Public Restroom

I always hear people talking about how much they hate using public restrooms, but these people are obviously only using the facilities to empty their bladders/colons. Here are five other activities you can do in a public restroom to make them more exciting and interesting for everyone involved.

Pissing Off China In 20 Tweets Or Less

Chinese netizens are swift and ruthless. Within hours they began a “human flesh search”, which utilizes the power of thousands of internet users who scour the inevitable identity trails we all leave behind on the internet, as well as spreading the word through their own social network, in order to search for clues that might uncover the details behind a story…

The Differences Between Love And Hate

Haters are more passive than active. Lovers are more active than passive. Love is worth dying for. Hate is not. The small armies of love will march longer and further than the massive armies of hate. The world’s lovers are aware of the world’s haters.

5 Ways GPS Systems Piss Me Off

Call me old-fashioned, but you will NEVER see me use a GPS “nav” (for all you technology-savvy folk). I think they do more harm than good and they eliminate the need for drivers to pay attention to surroundings and learn anything about their location. Here’s how deep my hatred runs.

So, I Guess I’m The Wingman Then

You two seem to be hitting it off, nice. I’m genuinely happy for you; I know you’ve been on a down streak lately. She seems cool. Meanwhile, I have to answer this text message, and then proceed to admire anything in my field of vision that is not this sullen, bored creature who I am unable to relate with. I’m wondering where the bathroom is, or if I could ever DJ at a place like this. I’m not a DJ. It would be pretty sweet to be a DJ.

I Am The Smart One, She’s Just My Sister

She’s got long blond hair and curves and when she walks into a room, men act like a literal bomb’s gone off. One time, our mom scolded me by asking, “You know how Tina Fey is beautiful when she’s Tina Fey and not as beautiful when she’s Liz Lemon? Why do you insist on Liz Lemon-ing yourself?” Direct quote.

Top 10 Philosophers Who Should Have Their Own Reality TV Show

In addition to philosophy being, you know, ‘valuable’ (the unexamined life is not worth living blahblahblah you still don’t give a shit do you?), the lives of some of the most famous philosophers were pretty effing buzzworthy. So come on people, if we’re going to live in a culture that airs the likes of Holly’s World and a Double Shot at Love, we’re kind of obligated to give these guys a chance, right?

Gym Culture Is Intimidating

After nearly two years of being gym-less, hitting the cardio machines again is quite a feat. Luckily, I’ve assimilated well, thanks to my cost-saving 5th floor walk up and penchant for getting lost any time I’m off the grid (resulting in 20 extra blocks between myself and my destination)…

Ten Flawless Soundtracks

Listening to the Empire Records soundtrack makes me kinda want to work at a cool record store with my cool friends, have sex with a washed up pop star, shave my head in the employee’s bathroom, take speed to do homework, shoplift, and throw myself a fake funeral. Or something.

Surviving A Bro Bar

Hold your wrist out limply as though you’re waiting to give the Wristband Jockey a dead fish handshake, but really you’re just zapped of your will to live after that tedious exchange. She kisses your skin with a wet stamp that leaves behind thick black ink depicting a crescent moon. You get a green wristband.

Astral Planes And Handmade Wands: Being Wiccan At 14

Being raised an atheist gives you something of a desire to find spirituality wherever you can. There is this part of the human brain, it seems, that just needs to believe in something. Perhaps it’s simply fear of death, perhaps it’s something more profound, but either way–it’s there.

Why I Fall In Love In Ten Seconds

I pictured our life together. Taking her hand and tugging her to the nearest park to make-out on the see-saw. Discovering mutual phobias like our harrowing fear of neck wrinkles. Selecting matching patterned cases for our decrepit and brutally stained pillows we got from my parent’s storage space.

I Think I Peaked At Age Thirteen

Sometimes I worry that that poem was the peak of my writing career. Miss Brosdal was so impressed with it that she asked me to read it aloud to the class. I was too shy, so I asked her to read it for me. I remember feeling so completely embarrassed, but proud and insightful and intelligent at the same time. I felt like I had actually come to some sort of understanding about the world, and it was amazing.

The First Time I Shot A Gun

My panic still hadn’t subsided as he showed me how to rest the gun, just so, between my collar bone and armpit (“that’s to stop the kickback”), how to load the bullet (“pull the underside back like this, but don’t catch your skin”), where to aim (“look through this little hole here, the sight’s off a little to the right so try to adjust yourself”), and how to pull the trigger…

Reasons Why I Cannot Love You

Don’t get me wrong—I think you’re great. I like to eat dinner across from you, quickly glancing down at the fork idly fondling my food when you catch my eye. I like the coy smiles that pass between us, and the way that once we’re both drunk you become brave enough to hold my hand, and I become excited enough to hold it back…

In Defense Of Country Music

As I write this, I’m listening to Alan Jackson and tapping my feet to the sound of the happy little fiddle that seems to just squeak “Hey, y’all!” in nearly every country song it’s featured in. It’s always been one of my favorite sounds, and is featured prominently in that lovely genre of music that seems to serve as the sonic punching-bag for the modern intellectual…

What Ink Feels Like

While he had worked at the lines, I closed my eyes and focused intently on the pain. It crept from around corners and bit me at random. They were really nibbles, though, and the vibrations warmed my neck and face. I cherished the pain. Not as a masochist might, but rather in the way that a mother cherishes the pains that bring her a child.

How Time Passes But Doesn’t Pass At All

Would he look the same? Did I look the same? How much does someone change in 5 years? Even if he did look the same, I would be looking at him with different eyes—he wouldn’t be the same. I was 21 when I was crazy about him. And I was an innocent, naive 21.

Can You Love A Monster?

My brother is messed up. Even though we’ve become “close” in the last few years, I still acknowledge that he’s a person with serious rage issues. I knew things weren’t going so well between he and his girlfriend. He had cut her off from her old life when they started dating and subsequently made her entirely dependent on him.

What You Want Love To Feel Like

Sometimes the right song cues up with the right moment and your life will feel like a movie. Those moments are special and sweet. They allow us leave reality for awhile, but they won’t be the defining moment of a relationship. Because the song will end and real life will come flooding back and then you’re just two people again, smooching and popping blackheads.

Different Types Of People You Will Meet At A Wedding

In four months you’ll run into each other at Target and comment on how good it is to see one another again, then one of you will say, “…Yeah, well, I gotta get back. But really, let’s get together this week. Seriously this time. I’ll text you tomorrow, promise!” You’ll probably never see this person again.

10 Truths As Sung By Phil Collins

“It’s just another day for you and me in paradise” Yes, you are entitled to your #whitegirlproblems, but be aware that they are just that, because while you don’t have to be guilty that you are blessed while people are suffering, you should always be aware that you are blessed while other people are suffering.

Moving From The South To The City: The Things You’ll Lose

Yankees, say it with me: “Hello… how are you?” Was that hard? Did you break a nail? NO! Say it, it will make you feel better. And how about, when getting on an elevator – don’t press the “Close Door” button when I’m a foot away. Or that whole cutting the line at the market when a new line opens – it’s not cute.

Parents Need To Stop Screwing Their Kids Up

For some parents, giving their children a good childhood is impossible. Whether it’s because of addiction or just good ol’ manipulation and mind games, they start chinking away at their offspring’s sanity from day one. They have complete power over a young child and they abuse it.

A Brief Encounter

You asked me if the train was coming on time and said something in your vernacular language that just left me puzzled. But that wasn’t what truly stopped me… as you worked your way into the conversation, I thought quietly how tall and fascinatingly handsome you were with those eyeglasses and soft tousled hair of yours.

Four Things I Need To Just Get Over

I wish I knew how they do it–all those cool people who just seem to let the frustrations and injustices of life roll off their backs like well-dressed ducks. I wish I knew the secret ingredient to not wasting a single moment of their lives on what feels like righteous indignation, but is really more along the lines of childish foot-stamping…

I Don’t Forgive You

I don’t forgive you. And so I will stoke this grudge like a fire. I will huff on its embers and feed it kindling from leaves and twigs that have broken off branches and have been sucked of life by the sun, air and time.

What His Underwear Says About Him

I’ve always had the mindset that if a guy wears really expensive or “sexy” underwear, he actually lacks confidence – he makes up for his insecurity by expensively framing the goods. Likewise, boxer briefs and thongs tell a different story. So here’s my break-down of men’s underwear and the type of guy who wears them.

Urkel Stars In New Cee Lo Video

Jaleel White of TGIF’s Family Matters/ “The Urkel Show” fame has re-emerged into public view in this not-half-bad new Cee Lo video for “Cry Baby.” Playing Cee Lo himself, White manages to make us forget his family-oriented past and actually see him through a non-Urkel lens, something that – as The Daily Beast pointed out – he’d been unable to do before.

Truths And Lies As Told By My Family

“You just need to do ten sit-ups a day.” – Sister, 2011. Prefacing this lie was another, “You don’t need to lose weight, you just need to tone.” When I asked my sister, who has the metabolism of a hummingbird, how anyone could consider ten sit-ups a day a work out, she responded, “It worked for me when I did it. But I don’t work out anymore.” Oh.

A Plea To Facebook Moms

Well listen, that’s actually why I wanted to talk to you. I don’t know quite how to say this, so I guess I’ll just blurt it out: I think you should get off Facebook. Why? There are plenty of reasons really – not the least of which is the extreme close-up of a veiny bulging stomach that you’ve set as your profile pic – but really it comes down to status updates.

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