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Seven Things You Will Never Know

You don’t know why you didn’t get the job. Your outfit was impeccable — very “23-year-old who deserves a job” — and the interview went swimmingly. You talked about your favorite books and your respective hometowns. Time just flew. You were supposed to be there for only thirty minutes but it turned into an hour.

Using Emoticons Isn’t Sexy

What adult with an IQ high enough to know how to text would choose to text someone he supposedly wanted to meet an instruction that she wear something sexy and choose to make the Y into two I’s?

New Small Talk Options

Obviously, you can’t talk about politics or religion. Those topics are bound to incite some sort of animosity in someone. But with vegetarian and vegan lifestyles taking on more prominent political significance, food may also be off limits as a discussion topic.

My Internal Monologue On A First Date

I hope I recognize this guy, seems to be a recurring problem of mine. Hope I haven’t been betrayed by beer goggles again. I guess this issue would resolve itself if I quit drunkenly accepting dates but like, no one asks me out otherwise.

How To Survive Living In A Foreign Country

Use the Internet and watch it become even more amazing than it already is. Used together with a little improvisation, you can get almost anything you would be consuming back home—music, movies, books, food, clothes. Almost everything. Where I live the foreigners talk a lot about missing good avocados. You get over it.

Memories Of My Mother

Because I love her so much, I often imagine that she’s dead. I do it at night when my lights are off and I can’t sleep. I imagine it and then I cry. Huge tears, not just sleepy pillow tears.

Good Luck To My New Single-Serving Friend, Bridge Man

While we taxied to the runway, you told me about how you used to have a cat named Tom that would attack your wife in her sleep. You searched through the pockets of your khaki travel vest to try and locate one of your business cards. Your business? Bridge-building. Hence, Bridge Man.

Our Culture Is Obsessed With Girls Right Now

White Girl Problems. Sh*t Girls Say. New Girl. 2 Broke Girls. Girls. I mean, it sounds like these titles couldn’t possibly exist at the same time but they’re all actually the names of current popular Twitter feeds and new TV shows. Judging by their existence, I’d say it’s officially a bad time to have a penis right now.

When I Lived In San Francisco

When I lived in San Francisco, I was the closest I’ve ever been to experiencing a real depression. There was a lot of pressure to make my freshman year of college great and tell all my friends back home amazing stories to let them know that I was moving on with my life, but things were actually terrible.

Found Someone’s CD Collection On The Sidewalk

Have you ever seen a 1,000 CD Case Logic lying on the sidewalk? It’s upsetting. It’s like finding a corpse: someone made this, someone raised it, loved it, fed it, enriched it and, in return, was enriched by it. And now it’s lying here, unzipped, its contents spread over the sidewalk…

All The Sad Young Pretty Girls

In the Observer profile Marie is quoted as saying, “I wrote to express my worldview/subjectivity because it felt then that no one had any idea.” Isn’t this why people write?

Remember The Summer We Didn’t Eat?

Remember that summer we didn’t eat? We felt absurdly large in our size four swimsuits and cutoff shorts, so we starved ourselves. We climbed over rocks and over backseats. We let the summer sun touch our new skin and the summer boys feel our new bodies.

Mother And Her Lovers

The sound was pure sex. We writhed like we had never writhed before, like a bunch of sexy, sexy snakes. All 500 male bloggers and 25 female bloggers truly enjoyed themselves, letting our minds and bodies melt into one.

The Junie Browning Saga

I bet you woke up this morning wondering what hell Junie Browning is into these days. If you didn’t, tomorrow is another day. In Junie’s world, though, things are rather complicated. Tomorrow, for Junie, really depends on whether he can make it over the Thai border before someone kills him.

Wonder What The Secret Of Life Is

Rand’s dislike for the phrase “I’m only human” was more specifically a rejection of the premise of the phrase, which is something like “Humans are inherently lazy and lacking sufficient willpower to uphold personally or culturally assigned values…”

How To Feel A Little Bit More Alive

Lie in bed with someone at 1:00pm on a Sunday morning. It will feel like five shots of espresso and finding the perfect Internet connection. Here you are! Doing the life thing! And all of these changes are starting to feel a little bit more manageable. You don’t feel the need to grieve every single thing that’s left you.

I Am Right Behind You

How can I make you my girlfriend in this split second? I saw your face, and I thought, ‘That’s her. That’s my girlfriend. Forever.’ You saw my face, and you thought, ‘That’s a person.’ The fact that my momentary presence failed to catch your attention strikes me as profoundly horrifying and against the will of the universe.

5 Reasons Guys Go For Flakes

They seem like they’re into you — on even days, most holidays and when the moon is waning — but on the odd, typical and waxing days, they’re nowhere to be found. Elusive. Vague. Slightly mysterious. Generally attractive. You’d say they’re totally leading you on, except that would be admitting they’re doing anything at all.

Things A Person Is Not

A person is not a prize. You can’t earn or win them by being good enough, fast enough, smart enough or special enough. You can’t keep them on the mantle to remind you of how good, fast, smart or special you were. They do not prove your worth.

Love In An Elevator

And one by one, the elevator empties; the temptations dissolve and the whispers quiet and there’s just you left, you who set your sights so high, you who is best suited to take this thing as far as it can go, you who wants to soar.

How To Screw Your Life Up After You Graduate College

Make sad Facebook updates and tag unflattering pictures of yourself drinking at your hometown bar knowing full well that your friends are going to be judging you. They’re going to be sitting in their grown up apartments with their grown up jobs and they’re going to feel flashes of pity go through their young professional work clothes for you.

O’ Death

Death is a figure so deeply transfixed in our existence that it’s a miracle that it does not readily consume us day in and day out. It should. We should be afraid of death, see it creeping around every corner, hear it creaking up the stairs at night.

8 Things Yoga Taught Me About Life

Go with the flow. Take your time. Don’t judge your own worth by comparing it to the person next to you. Life is a practice, not a competition. There is no winning, no losing. All you have to do is show up and try.

America’s Next Top President

The 2012 presidential election has already become a media circus. The Republicans have debated each other roughly once a day for the past seven years, and the actual voting doesn’t take place for another eleven months.

Game Shows I Wish Existed

This thirty-minute show would air either before or after Jeopardy. It would consist of 2-5 contestants running around an urban area with laptops in search of working and unprotected WiFi hotspots. The show’s host will be a Scandinavian bro named Sven.

Stuff Girls Say, Pt. 3

In Episode 3 of their series we see a different ‘format’ of sorts — this one lacking the cut scenes we’ve come to expect and composed of two ‘skits,’ both featuring Juliette Lewis, who made a cameo in Episode 1. It’s also about a minute longer than the first two episodes, both of which definitely left us wanting more.

5 Reasons To Hate The New Facebook Timeline

Did you want to immortalize your birth on Facebook with a picture and a list of family members? How about a photo album of your mother’s C-section? Great news, dummy — now you can. Somehow Facebook has managed to trivialize even the act of giving life itself.

Home For The Holidays (In My Head Vs. In Reality)

I turn to be greeted by a very familiar-looking TSA officer. Why, it’s my old high school rival, Jim! (He’s the dirty dog who stole my best gal and took her to the Homecoming Dance senior year.) “Hey Jim! How are you? You’re looking good, my man!”

Making Plans For New Year’s Eve Gives Me Anxiety

We need to just chill out about New Year’s Eve. We should just wait until the day of and then just go to whatever plan sounds the easiest to execute. Our world is not going to end if we have a bad night. We won’t be doomed to celibacy for an entire year or get hit by a train.

Dating In A Ghost Town

She was pretty, definitely, but more important was the book she kept in her bag. A girl with a book is innately attractive; men understand that if she can tolerate the act of reading for the sake of pleasure, she’ll likely put up with all manner of nonsense for the sake of a relationship.

5 Ways Lists Are Too Reductive

They foster annoying internet debate over what’s missing. Or worse, smarmy smug snarkers will share it with self-congratulatory asides about how they like the thing that’s missing the best. Of course, things are going to be missing from something that is only five things. There are more than five things in the world!

We’re All Going To Die In 2012 (YAY!)

If those insane divas the Mayans are right, the world is totes gonna end in 2012, which is really…annoying. I don’t know about you guys but I was looking forward to getting a dog and a boyfriend and buying an expensive leather jacket or something. But now I can’t because the Mayans said so. Cool!

Your Parents’ New Home

Because you’ve never left smudged fingerprints on the walls, and you’ve never hidden a report card in your pillowcase, and you’ve never sat in the driveway waiting for some boy to pick you up, some boy whose name you’ll forget in five years.

How Drunk Should You Get In Your Holiday Clothes?

Anything we do is immediately rendered charming and “festive” (the universal code word for the perpetual drunkenness and gluttony of the holidays) because we look like something off a CMT Christmas Variety Show. Our grandmothers would find us adorable, even as we are vigorously heaving hot toddies into the bathroom sink.

What Happened To My Nuclear Family?

Everything came in twos. Suddenly there were two houses I had to live in. Two weeks spent at each before the cycle repeated. Both of my parents got remarried, twice. My father had a second set of children. And I was now secondary in his life.

12 Ways To Be Taken Seriously

If you must get a liberal arts degree, do not get a creative writing degree. You will find yourself at age 23, living at your parents’ house, tweeting what you ate for dinner, posting links to YouTube videos of koala fights, and thinking, ‘Everyone must think I’m pretty great because I always post cool videos to Facebook.”

One Sentence Love Story

Sometimes when you think you love something what you really love is not the thing itself but just some small and inessential part of it: you think you love banana splits but really you just love the maraschino cherry on top and you think you love autumn but really you just love getting a Pumpkin Spice Latte at Starbucks…

How Boys Make Me Feel

Some boys make me feel like a girl. You know the kind of boy I’m referring to. The ones that have machismo overflowing from their frowny faces and penises. The ones who don’t think about the things I think about or feel the things I like to feel.

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