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How to Survive The Holidays

Throw a holiday party with your friends. Wear a Santa hat, drink spiked cider and make out with someone under the mistletoe. And then in the bathroom. And then in your bed. Make a bad joke about Santa coming early this year. Get it?

Self-hating Flamboyant Girl-Man w/ Acne Seeks Intimacy & True Love

Sup Bro. Im 5’11 140 blonde/blue slim and toned. Just a normal guy looking to mess around with someone soon. I can host anytime this week. I’m pretty laid back and chill, not into anything too crazy. Looking for guys under 35 who are VGL and fit. Must be Discrete. No endless e-mails, I’m real and don’t have time for games. I only play safe and I’m not into drugs.

Updike for Beginners

Since the age of twelve, one of my greatest dreams in life had been to snort a line of cocaine from a beautiful woman’s inner thigh.  Meredith Simpson may not have been beautiful, but she at the very least was a woman.  The dream had everything to do with my yearning to make my life worthy of narrative. 

Introducing Coach Natalie Randolph

For most, it comes down to this. If she fails, it will be because she is a woman. Ignore the fact that plenty of male head-coaches are fired and suffer through bad seasons. If she fails, it will be due to her gender; and if she succeeds, that will be subject to all kinds of spin and interpretation.

UC Students Mad as Hell, Reportedly Won’t Take it Anymore

His film ends with a still frame of an officer, gun drawn, helmet on, looking terrified. The text says: “Demand Freedom, Join the Movement.” What movement? To corner a lone riot policemen in a parking garage, spin him around 15 times, take his baton, and then push him onto a car provoking him to draw his pistol that he then aims at the ground?

Social Darwin Award Candidate Films Himself on 24-hour Binge of Four Loko

“My wife came downstairs and shook me awake. The entire room smelled of Four Loko – it was like the worst prom after-party ever. I opened all the windows and walked upstairs, where I passed out again in bed. I slept fitfully for another four hours. When I woke up, I stank of the stuff. My mouth was dry and there was a giant sweat stain on the bed.” Video inside.

I Get Email

Some of the emails are boring, but some of them are interesting. Occasionally, I post them to my blog, usually without comment, but sometimes with, because I find them amusing, or idiotic, or baffling. When a new one washes up on the digital shores, you marvel at how this missive-in-an-email-bottle arrived upon your sands.

Over 200 Students Admit To Cheating On Test After Professor Dedicates Lecture To Proving He Knows They Cheated

Using statistical analysis, this UCF professor recently caught over 200 students cheating on a midterm exam. He proceeded to dedicate an entire lecture to how he caught them, how he felt, and what would happen if they didn’t come clean (they wouldn’t graduate). Shortly after the lecture, over 200 students admitted they had cheated. Video of the lecture inside.

12-Story Hotel In China Falls Over

A 12-story hotel in China recently fell over – in three seconds. How? A combination of poor choice of location, heavy rains, weak construction and physics. Lucky there weren’t other similarly constructed buildings close by, otherwise there might have been a domino effect. Video inside.

A Gentleman’s Guide to Women’s Health

In observance of, and keeping with, the undue authority of this contributor’s position as a man, no additional research has been made in writing this, relying solely on personal observation, to further embrace the concession that much of what follows may be entirely wrong.

A Call to End the Use of “Lol”

Your bro IMs you being like ‘sup’ and you respond ‘hang on, I’m in the middle of something at work’ and they reply ‘lol.’ Or you get an IM like ‘how are you,’ and you go ‘I’m okay, sick of the rain’ and they reply ‘lol,’ or you say ‘I’m good’ and they say ‘lol.’

The Young, and the Senile

I’ve been here for two months. I was planning to move to a large city, to get a job and a boyfriend and go see shows on the weekend and be young. And then my Grandmother was found on the cold, hard floor of her bedroom. She had a fall, broke her wrist and her cheekbone.

Five Ways To Be Incredibly Annoying in a Coffee Shop

Be vaguely acquainted with someone, see them, say “hi” to them, then sit somewhere in their line of sight with your laptop and stay there for as long as they stay there. Better yet, sit at the table opposite them, so whenever they look up from their laptop, they see your face.

Oprah’s Screams Heard Round the World

Oprah’s obsession with screaming is rivaled only by her doppelganger Harpo’s obsession with cold hard cash. It’s a joke beyond expiration. Saturday Night Live gave Oprah Scream its funeral back in the early Aughts. But seeing it in action is altogether different. It makes you wonder if she ever watches herself. If she sees what’s happening on screen and just says, “Looks great, broadcast it to the world.”

A Typical Conversation on Cocaine

Here’s something you all should know: Cocaine makes everyone act like a giant asshole. Not only are you constantly licking your gums and looking insane, you’re saying the silliest things to whoever you’re doing it with. Because I’m so interested in making the world a less coked-out place, I’ve taken the liberty of creating a typical conversation one would have while under the influence of cocaine.

Ted Sabarese – “Office Wear”

Ted Sabarese is New York City based portrait and advertising photographer. He studied at Parsons and describes his work as “clean, graphic, character-driven.” The following gallery “Office Wear” depicts workers with clothes made entirely of office supplies.

Cornell Professor Throws a Fit Over a Yawn

Being a professor at a university like Cornell must be really hard. You get all those stressful summer vacations, which you can use to write your next novel. There’s also the looming threat of tenure, which ensures you that, short of dying or murdering a student, you will be guaranteed your job forever.

Some Thoughts on the Impact of Four Loko

But, of course, with all this good comes a lot of bad too. Four Loko has been killing teens and hospitalizing people. And because it is easy to place the ban on the beverage, opposed to irresponsible consumers, legislators are moving to ban it. It’s bad-for-you-drink and it must go, they say.

The White Lines of Suburban Exile

When I came here it was because of the quiet and calm it afforded. I wanted a place to retreat, where I could sulk or celebrate or create new memories from nothing. A place far from the gunshots that rang out in my old neighborhood, in the crumbling house that sat at the edge of a crooked cobblestone street, squeezed between the decay of the ghetto and houses too dilapidated to gentrify.

All the Stories I Never Wrote

See, I didn’t write the story about him because I was afraid he would kill me. Certainly not like, ha-ha, I thought he would “kill” me, and actually in this case not literally kill me, because I spent a fair amount of time thinking about it, If I did this story, would this guy kill me?, and I thought it would be more likely what this man would do if I did a story about him, one that, shall we say, exposed him…

Post-Racial Furniture Warehouse

“I’ll admit i was racist ‘WAS” i can honestly say now, my college son is taking black history he has enlightened me about black history, now i can truly say.. I was uneducated about the blacks. Now that my son has passed on, what he has learned, to me, about the blacks ,i’ve learned to appreciate and love the black person.”

These Wikipedia Entries are Totally NSFW

Yes, these are really, actually, truly on Wikipedia (and yes, they actually have these illustrations). Worried Glenn Beck/ Sarah Palin’s America is going to try to ban Wikipedia when they find out about these entries. How else are they going to keep their children from finding out about “Bukkake?”

Can Gwyneth Paltrow Make Me Love Her Again?

When it comes to Gwyneth Paltrow, I’ve always been in something of a gray zone. She’s beautiful and talented, and I loved her in movies like Emma, Sliding Doors and even Shallow Hal. But she’s always kind of annoyed me, too. Maybe it’s the combination of physical perfection and her affectation of superiority and extreme erudition in interviews.

Why Can’t Rihanna Sing Her Own Songs?

I love me some RiRi, but I’m sorry — the bitch can’t sing live, and no amount of reverb can cover it up! In the last week I’ve see her perform that red hot single “Only Girl (In the World)” on Saturday Night Live and at the European Music Awards. Both times, her red headed ass was flat, missing practically every note in the song. And there are only like four notes MAX in the whole thing!!

Funny Drug Story

Then he grew a little white. But Dan was already really white so he turned more of a grayish-green color like pale people (gross) always do. His hue was quickly waning. Dan had long black stringy hair and a gigantic mouth that was always smiling and laughing but it also took up most of his face because it was so big. You know those people whose faces are all mouth.

I Went to a Screening of the Film Adaptation of Tao Lin’s Eeeee Eee Eeee

The part of Andrew, the protagonist of the book, was played by a 30-something black man. His love interest was a black woman of around 50 years. I had not imagined these people looking like this when reading the book, which lent the film a very absurd quality. Every scene was filmed in front of a green screen with background images from Google image search.

Hirokazu Koreeda: One of the Best Contemporary Asian Directors Working Today

For a while, they are able to function without their mother, but slowly over time their conditon deterioates. The film is fascinating for the way it patiently documents this slow decline. The children seem to accept the absence of their mother as if it’s nothing out of the ordinary, but eventually as they run out of money their condition worsens and tragedy creeps up.

Wonder, and Love: On Close Encounters of the Third Kind

I just watched Close Encounters of the Third Kind for the first time in over 30 years with my son of seven. Throughout the film, as is his way, the boy kept leaping to conclusions of what would happen next: the army guys are gonna try to kill that guy; the army guys are gonna try and kill the aliens; the aliens are gonna try and kill the army.

Maxime Luère’s A Life on Facebook

Maxime Luère‘s short film, A Life On Facebook, tells the accelerated life story of Alex Droner. Through the stream of information on his Facebook profile we see him accumulate friends and photos, fall in and out of love, and eventually grow old and logout.

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