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10 Reasons Why Cormac McCarthy Is A Badass

Cormac McCarthy is one of our greatest living American novelists. Author of Blood Meridian, All the Pretty Horses, No Country for Old Men, and The Road (which won the Pulitzer Prize), McCarthy is a poetic storyteller whose challenging novels explore themes of violence, good and evil, and human survival.

How To Be Depressed

You’ve read about depression. You know you probably have it, but you don’t believe in it. Not enough serotonin, they say, you have a deficiency. You’re broken. Maybe meds would fix you but most of the time you’re fine.

Going Home, Away From Home

Where is home? Are you the person you left behind, or the person you’re going back to? And if both those Yous should ever meet, will the two different sides of that equation equal who you are now? Or has one side won out?

A Perfect Circle: How Pizza Can Save Our Country

In these turbulent times, we Americans need a unifying force to guide our country into the future. We’ve tried Democrats. We’ve experimented with Republicans. We need a new solution. Something drastic. For the challenges of today’s society, I propose we turn to pizza.

Thanos’ OKCupid Profile

Hopefully, once I murder every living thing in existence, the female manifestation of Death might finally show me some affection. I’m also thinking about going back to grad school to get my PhD.

This Summer Will Be Different

No more baby-oiled skin. No more sprinklers. No more hopscotch, no jump rope, no dampened, oversized beach towels slung over the backseats of cars. More worry over bodies in swimsuits and what’s see-through and what’s padded and what’s you never conceived of in summers past.

Drink Every Time Someone On TV Drinks

Mad Men may have opened the doors to a new style of on-screen drinking, borrowed from actual drinking habits of the 1960s, but the recession made it ever more acceptable for dramas, particularly workplace dramas, to portray drinking in all the ways that Donald Draper and company do.

5 Telltale Signs That Someone Is Rich

In New York, everyone’s always crying about not having any money but it’s like, just move to Kansas City, Missouri, and live like a king if you hate it here so much. This isn’t Just Kids by Patti Smith anymore.

When You Miss Someone Who Lives In A Different State

And then Brandon Flowers comes on while you’re standing in H&M — the song he sent you months ago — and, like an army of guerrilla warriors hell bent on foiling your resolve, the missing invades your consciousness, secures its flag in your otherwise preoccupied mind, and holds you hostage.

5 Things Everyone Lies About

Everyone is a dirty, dirty liar. Yes, even you. Whether or not we’d like to admit it, there are just certain things that we’re incapable of telling the truth about. Blame it on society, remember that we all do it, and call it a day. No need to feel too guilty, I promise.

How Unattractive People Really Are

At the park on a weekend, one sees so many hardbodies you’d think you accidentally stepped into a fitness magazine’s photo shoot. Abs jog along the concreted and graveled paths. Everyone playing volleyball does so in bikini and Speedo, and does so gracefully, beautifully.

5 Things That Just Aren’t Cute Anymore

If you’re a person who still finds themselves 60% drunker than everyone else in the room, I encourage you to look deep within and admit to yourself that getting cray cray at a small gathering of friends at 6 p.m. wasn’t cute.

How You Know You’re About To Have Terrible Sex

As soon as a dude turns on The XX and starts dry humping you to the beat of “Crystalized” I suggest you put your top back on and demand he call you a car, even if it is 4 a.m. and you’re really horny. No good can come of this situation.

What Primates Teach Us About Being Human

Scientists still disagree vehemently on the extent of influence, because the differences between bonobos and chimps speak on differing views of human nature and any answer will be extremely politically charged. Chimps seem to confirm the fears of the right, and bonobos fulfill the dreams of the left.

Watching My Mother And Father’s Last Kiss

My mother told us not to touch the fishhooks at the very lip of the riverbank, right where the land met the water, as cloudy as a cataracted eye. I promised, in my solemn eleven-year-old way, that no, we would not go anywhere near them and yes, we would keep our shoes on.

How To Love Your Family

Loving your family is also about hating your family. The two are inextricably linked. You can see that now. You can’t love a group of people that much without some hate bleeding into it.

5 Dating Rules I Will Never Understand

I mean, it’s surprising that in 2012 anyone would have some kind of line in the sand about how many pasta dinners a guy has to take you out for before you can take your vagina out of its silk-lined jewelry box and let it participate in the relationship.

All Roads Lead To One

You paced around the waiting room and you found yourself slumped in a chair at 8 in the morning still waiting for a doctor or a nurse or me emerge from the operating room. You looked for someone to talk to but you felt anxious and fearful.

The 5 Stages Of Job Interview Grief

He couldn’t have noticed how much I was sweating, could he? Oh god, but he shook my hand… he must have felt how disgustingly sweaty my palms were. Christ, that must have been like shaking hands with an armpit.

A Letter To My Long-Distance Crush

Let’s be honest, honest like we’ve never been. Let’s tell each other the truth about things, why not? The blunt horrible fat-legged truth is what really gets someone to like you, not those drippy approximations; no one falls in love with you until you show them some grit.

6 Things I’ve Learned From Being On Bed Rest

I often resist exercise, preferring to get my heart-rate up by clicking on link after blog after tweet about the war on birth control. But right now, moving my body feels less like a chore and more like a privilege than ever before.

How Depression Changed Me

Before that night — or the curvature of that night, those fuzzy outlines once again — I cared. I cared about my family; I cared about my friends; I cared (too much) about my ex-lovers; I cared about the future. To care is to step outside of oneself, to face the cold blade of another human on guard because some other human hurt her years ago.

Farm Life

My sister, brother and I grew up on 80 acres of flat, rich soil, in a climate so arid that it wouldn’t have been farmable if it had not been for the vast underground water source called the Ogallala Aquifer. Canal systems and man-made reservoirs help deliver water down from the Rocky Mountains.

I’m A 25-Year-Old Male Who Can’t Look Away From 16 & Pregnant

Yep, I’m wandering a deserted wasteland, trying to figure out why I, a male in his twenties, is drawn to this show about pregnant teens. Dotting the landscape here are the show’s slight weekly variables: questions of adoption, parental reaction (“babies shouldn’t be having babies,” you know?), the prospect of education, and maintaining a ‘normal life’ as a teen mom.

Basketball’s Roots: An Excerpt

Since they felt that the club’s success was also the race’s success, the bigger picture was always kept in mind. When the Alpha Big Five played basketball it was about much more than just the game — it was about community building and racial self-esteem.

Reality Show Plots As Written By A Man In The Throes Of An Existential Crisis

An elderly contestant dies during a particularly heated immunity challenge. His tribe members unanimously attempt to vote him off during the next tribal council, but they can’t write his name down because no one remembers it. “Perhaps death is the greatest immunity idol of all…” whispers an unusually cryptic Jeff Probst, who has begun to suspect that all of the players are just figures of his imagination, anyway.

How I Want To Die

Buy enough Pringles to fill a kiddie pool. Fill a kiddie pool with Pringles. Get into a bathing suit, as if one were to wade inside a kiddie pool. Get inside the kiddie pool face-first and begin chewing. I think you know where this is going.

5 Reasons I Can’t Wait To Be 80

I’m not talking about discounted movie tickets or other little AARP perks. I’m talking about the less obvious though far more alluring boons that are available to only those with 80 or more birthdays behind them.

A Literary Mixtape, Volume 3

A man standing in his saddle in the half-lit half-alive dawn banged on the shutters and called two names. He was just a hat and a cloak levitating in the grey plume of his own breath, but when he called we came. That much is certain — we came.

I Want A Tuesday Kind Of Love

A Tuesday kind of love is this: commuting to work knowing that someone cares about what you’re going to have for lunch; understanding that you do not have to be your dynamic, charming, weekend self this time; this time you can butcher sentences and make bad jokes and trip over thin air and it won’t change anything.

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