Guys, how adorable was it that adults thought Oregon Trail was educating us in the least bit?
Cinderella was a proud woman. She never cried. She never let the world see the pain she was going through. She refused to be considered weak.
It’s unfortunate that Josie Grossie suffered an existential meltdown for what could’ve been a pretty rad assignment.
Take down that “taken” status on Facebook. Remove photographic evidence. Break the news to everyone, or at least those that don’t pre-empt you by texting you with a feverish, “OMG I SAW YOU BROKE UP WHAT HAPPENED BRUH?!?!”
Say “no” to everything. People who are mature are also very hard to get ahold of. Being a grown up is a full-time job and you don’t have the time to just hang out with your friends on a Sunday afternoon and have the time of your life. You’re busy being busy.
6. A feeling of vague judgment from said married friends that you are not displaying any overt interest in having a ring put on it/putting a ring on it with anyone in particular.
They share so many similarities it’s hard to tell sometimes. Or maybe they don’t. Maybe one is about an insane person with terrible values who is unable to sustain meaningful relationships and the other is about a serial killer?
Who said cute videos can’t be art? This changed my life more than the Mona Lisa or Moby Dick.
Bartender shall use the Confidential Information only to evaluate if Discloser is deserving of buy backs (“Sad and Pitiful”) or will likely need to be forcibly removed from the premises later in the evening (“I Saw This Coming When She Started Talking About Her Ovarian Cysts.”)
Thanks to things like online dating and this idea that there’s always other fishes in the sea, people have become so quick to judge others and throw away potential connections. I don’t get it. Are people only interested in dating a mirror? Just because someone has different interests than you doesn’t mean you’re not going to click.
Black sheep are more likely to be hit by lightning than white sheep.
I would like to be buried, not cremated, the reason for this being partly because the mere thought of burning flesh makes me nauseous, but mostly because I don’t want anyone making any “flaming homosexual” jokes as I’m being set ablaze.
“I am writing a novel.” It’s like a new mantra, holding hands and skipping gleefully through my head along with “I’ve always been a writer,” harmonious and happy at last.
But, oh Gillian. YOU KNOW JUST HOW TO TUG AT MY RAW CIVIL WAR HEART STRINGS. Gut me like a fish, please.
If she is fat, I can’t help but think, what does that make me? What does that make the vast majority of women?
4:59 P.M. (or the minute before your shift ends) on a Friday.
Sweet Home Alabama smartly banks on Reese Witherspoon’s girl-next-door appeal and features a couple great scenes and zingers (e.g. “You brought a baby… into a bar?”)
A towel? Like, a paper towel? Or a regular towel. I don’t know, when I mean paper towel I never just say “towel,” I say “paper towel.” A towel is a towel. So, OK. To the bathroom!
9. Remember all those friends you had before you dropped off the face of the earth and got into a serious relationship? They might still be there!
The path to whatever your notion of success is will likely not be linear. Don’t take continuous personal growth for granted.
You thought that love was going to make you skinnier and prettier and calmer and nicer and more accepting. You’d feel superior to your friends who were single and almost hate yourself for thinking it.
If you order fish filet sandwiches at fast food joints, you deserve every manner of STD that could ever befall you.
How is it possible that you’ve worked this hard, only to be reporting to someone who shouldn’t have been allowed to graduate high school, let alone run a company?
Nothing gets people talking like bringing a salad in for lunch. How come when I was ordering a burrito every day, no one raised an eyebrow?
“LOL, If You Break My Heart, I Will Just Become More Rich!”
You certainly have superhuman powers if you have internet access, even if you have to walk to the library to get it.
Oh my god, is there anything creepier — anything creepier in the entire universe — than calling your significant other “daddy?” No. The answer to that question is no.
You never “clock out” when you’re in grad school. I mean, yeah, you have to go to seminars and everything, but in general you pick your own seminars which is kind of like picking your own hours. There’s no time sheet, and you don’t have any jealous co-workers monitoring where you are. That sort of freedom is priceless.
The main problem with adjuncting is this: the amount of work an adjunct puts in is greater than (never equal to) the college’s investment in that adjunct.
I have no one on my side. Sunday night at work, we get drunk, I make out with Thomas. But I’m Mark’s girlfriend? I’m probably Ben’s girlfriend too. I don’t even know who these people are. They’re all just a blob of male to me.
I held open the fence and a minute later we were on the other side. The noise from the crowd grew softer as we crossed Wicker Park. We bumped into each other as we skipped over the puddles lining the sidewalk. In the sun one of the girls tossed her hair.
Liberals have a special tendency to believe their beliefs make them far more enlightened and fail to cover that up in their personalities. Here is a shortlist of the worst offenders.
The songs we made up in our heads in our bedrooms and recorded for months in isolation, everybody is now singing them back at us. People are shouting and dancing. The lights are really bright and colorful and I feel like I’m going to catch fire.
You can only catch a yawn from someone that you like. (The same is true for sneezes.)
Someone who deliberately Gchats to people whenever their red lights are on as a joke
On a Wednesday evening in mid October, John Mangelli, independent candidate for United States Senator from New York, was speeding west in my rental car on I-90 toward Rochester, where his family was waiting in a Marriott hotel room.
5. Making your own pumpkin spice latte from scratch (though damn if you won’t look at it on the internet for 45 seconds and be like, “Damn, that’s sweet, I should do that”).
Do you remember a time when Heidi Montag’s face didn’t resemble a melted candle? Or when Lauren was the one who was dating a verbally abusive monster, not Heidi? DO YOU?! Well, then it’s time for a refresher.
The thing you need to know about Mom is that she had a scare 19 years ago. She was in labor when Dad barged into her hospital room, screaming, and had to be fended off by nurses. Three months later, he was gone — or so we thought.
You bark for literally 23 hours a day. You bark when I sleep, you bark when I wake. I leave the room to your barking, I come back: still barking.
Tell your friends that you aren’t ready to kiss a girl yet because it’s a lot to handle emotionally and you don’t want to rush into anything.
We imagine, perhaps, that language is a tool much as, say, a hammer is. I want to express myself so I grab this or that word and, voilà, I’ve communicated.
Become employed as the “Before” model in “Before and After” plastic surgery ads.
My mind is clogged with abusive chemicals and memories. I am at another party, in the bathroom, darkly dazing at my makeup in the mirror. I look like a pink wolf with cartoon eyes.
A mirror went for a walk down a road.
I’m twenty-two and my inbox is full of red hot, scalding hatred. “Go to hell,” reads the latest email. “I hate you. I hope I never have to speak to you again.” I cannot bring myself to reply.
Sky-fa-aalll, nothin’ but sky-fa-allllll. Okay; that’s not actually a song.
Believe it or not, I don’t hide in my roommate’s closet to make sure you’re the only person he’s bringing home after a night out.
I sort of stopped scrolling and I think was able to feel what that woman was feeling — awkward for being on the losing team at a party full of losers, sad because she wasn’t winning, defeated because… she was getting defeated, helpless.