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The 8 Stages Of Being Dumped

Take down that “taken” status on Facebook. Remove photographic evidence. Break the news to everyone, or at least those that don’t pre-empt you by texting you with a feverish, “OMG I SAW YOU BROKE UP WHAT HAPPENED BRUH?!?!”

Confidentiality Agreement For Bartenders

Bartender shall use the Confidential Information only to evaluate if Discloser is deserving of buy backs (“Sad and Pitiful”) or will likely need to be forcibly removed from the premises later in the evening (“I Saw This Coming When She Started Talking About Her Ovarian Cysts.”)

5 Ridiculous Dating Dealbreakers

Thanks to things like online dating and this idea that there’s always other fishes in the sea, people have become so quick to judge others and throw away potential connections. I don’t get it. Are people only interested in dating a mirror? Just because someone has different interests than you doesn’t mean you’re not going to click.

Explicit Instructions For My Funeral

I would like to be buried, not cremated, the reason for this being partly because the mere thought of burning flesh makes me nauseous, but mostly because I don’t want anyone making any “flaming homosexual” jokes as I’m being set ablaze.

Grad School Vs. Real Life

You never “clock out” when you’re in grad school. I mean, yeah, you have to go to seminars and everything, but in general you pick your own seminars which is kind of like picking your own hours. There’s no time sheet, and you don’t have any jealous co-workers monitoring where you are. That sort of freedom is priceless.

Why Do I Destroy Things?

I have no one on my side. Sunday night at work, we get drunk, I make out with Thomas. But I’m Mark’s girlfriend? I’m probably Ben’s girlfriend too. I don’t even know who these people are. They’re all just a blob of male to me.

25 Things We Are Too Lazy To Do

5. Making your own pumpkin spice latte from scratch (though damn if you won’t look at it on the internet for 45 seconds and be like, “Damn, that’s sweet, I should do that”).

Rewatching Season One Of The Hills

Do you remember a time when Heidi Montag’s face didn’t resemble a melted candle? Or when Lauren was the one who was dating a verbally abusive monster, not Heidi? DO YOU?! Well, then it’s time for a refresher.

Growing Up Sheltered In New York City

The thing you need to know about Mom is that she had a scare 19 years ago. She was in labor when Dad barged into her hospital room, screaming, and had to be fended off by nurses. Three months later, he was gone — or so we thought.

Why Do I Do This?

My mind is clogged with abusive chemicals and memories. I am at another party, in the bathroom, darkly dazing at my makeup in the mirror. I look like a pink wolf with cartoon eyes.

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