“Cameron has never been known for his dialogue, but Titanic carries some stinkers that wouldn’t make the final draft of a Days of Our Lives script.”
SORORITY GIRL (to HANNAH): Ugh, punch yourself right now so I don’t have to find you in your room later to do it myself.
It’s not just for pretentious people, you know.
Your spouse is tired of hearing about your job after six months. And you couldn’t care less about hers. Ten years later you wake up next to a total stranger. 40 years later you die next to one.
“All is fair in love and war.” I used to love this saying. Then I grew up and found out that just as war has rules, so does love.
You essentially take a long walk off a short pier of respectful, timely communication and sequester yourself into a love-cave to grow a sex-beard à la Rip Van Winkle.
3) If you are able to conjure — right now — the memory of the best sex you ever had and you’re getting a little hot just thinking about it.
It’s so easy to trick people these days. It’s easier than ever. And you know what? People want to be tricked. They prefer it that way. Because if we really presented our lives accurately on the Internet, it would be so, so, so depressing. No one would ever go online again.
Like many others, I spent four of my most formative and drunken years in a deeply involved love affair with Boston. In the wake of Monday’s tragedy, I’d like to present you with 10 reasons to appreciate the city that I never really left.
Space is recoverable. The status of a college degree, the income from a job — recoverable. Time is not. This time you have now is it. You will not get it back.
Becoming more acutely aware of how precious all the time you have with your older family members is, and how not a single day with them is guaranteed.
For years I have been trying to impress you from afar. An unintended consequence of this is that I have, now and then, been able to impress myself.
Media outlets have run wildly accusatory headlines distorting the forum’s activities, like Wired’s “Reddit users are hosting a witch-hunt for the Boston Marathon bomber” or the Atlantic’s “Hey Reddit, Enough Boston Bombing Vigilantism.”
The Hooded Sweatshirt Douchebag
16. He who does not feel me is not real to me. Therefore, he doesn’t exist.
Locate the problem areas — a corner table that’s had the same stuff on it for a year, that you keep telling yourself you need, but never actually use? Old books that take up space, that you never lend out, and that you know you’ll never read again? Video games you no longer play anymore? Clothes that just don’t fit right? These are your clutter-problem areas.
“How To Be Beyonce,” a new Thought Catalog eBook that explores Queen Beyoncé’s reign in pop culture.
A fashion blog is an open door, while certain fashion magazines feel like impassable velvet ropes, doors slammed in your face.
“Heads I win and tails you (Britney) lose because you don’t have the right to choose.”
Admittedly, this morning I reached such a loneliness low that I may or may not have parked myself in front of my Jambox and attempted to force a conversation out of Alanis Morissette’s 1995 multiplatinum-selling album Jagged Little Pill.
10. Mild hallucinations are setting in. Did my puppy just mumble something about Cee Lo Green’s tiny hands and smile with a full set of human teeth?
Two shows I love watching are Pretty Little Liars and Scandal. Both of these shows have mystery, sex appeal, intrigue, etc. They both also have characters who go by Fitz. Let’s find out how similar they are!
To a hummingbird you look like a statue. Buzzing past, their wings flapping in a blur of motion, you appear about as lively as stone.
No, I don’t mean he’s perfect in the sense that he’s perfect for me.
I have news for both sides. Guns and abortions are both only meant to kill. That’s a statement of fact, not a value judgment.
I remember saying “You won’t understand, no one understands, no one I know has had to go through this.”
I have a story I need to tell. It’s a hard start considering I haven’t flexed my creative muscle in a while, but more than that, it is a hard story to tell.
It’s all well and fine the first two weeks, but after that, bring out the sweatpants, because those suckers become your best friend. And your eating pants. Also, you acquire eating pants.
A few hours later I met with the crazy doctor. He asked me why I was there. Umm, I don’t know, doc. Probably because I tried to kill myself and my well-meaning best friend dragged my ass to the ER.
Start to worry about everything that could go wrong.
Making sure the dog is otherwise occupied. Hey, you know what’s not sexy? Being on top of someone, looking up and seeing two beady black eyes judging you from the edge of the bed.
The outcome is, everyone living in the European Union can spend money on cosmetics and look pretty without feeling bad for supporting animal testing.
There are a thousand different reasons people get (and stay) together and some of them can be the farthest thing from love. If this is your truth, change it. Go love who you actually love. If you don’t know who that is yet, keep living, they will come.
Compounding that problem is Facebook. Literally everyone you know from high school is getting married.
Life is unimaginably short and passes even faster than that; there will be enough average things in your life. Don’t let love be one of them.
Because this kind of chivalry — doing everything possible to make a woman feel safe and acknowledged — is not based on what it means to be a woman. It is acknowledging that she encounters, likely on a daily basis, many men who disrespect her humanity.
My friend isn’t good about safe sex, but she isn’t bad about it, either. Not really bad. She’s just normal, I guess, at least from what she’s told me and from what I can tell.
LYDIA drops by HEATHER’s inside of a giant kiln to touch base over the possible magazine shoot. See, LYDIA and her husband both came from money so now they run a fake magazine.
That you’re essentially paying thousands of dollars to end up with a piece of paper and maybe a job that pays off your debt. Maybe.
But if I stood there and said, “going to college is the worst sin you can force your kids to commit”, or “you should never vote again” or “World War II was not a holy war” or “never own a home again”, I would probably be lynched on the spot.
I do believe that beauty is both subjective and objective.
The second thing that happens when music is playing in a sexy scenario is that your movements sync to the beat, which is just as troubling as confronting lyrics and emotional illusions.
Answering a phone call while still in their bed and telling your friend “I can’t talk right now, I’ll tell you about it later.”
Once again, Corporate America tries to sell us on the notion you need a specific item to fulfill a given function when you can use practically anything soft to substitute for a pillow: a pile of grocery bags, pumpkin guts, leaves, even your own arm.
But sometimes the silence is overwhelming. You prop your laptop against a neighboring pillow and it takes up the space that someone else might — a space that might even be empty, if you could stand it.
The system is broken, the middle class is disappearing, being carved through the middle by a trillion dollars in student loan debt, and everyone is still raising tuition faster than inflation.
And as hasty as it may sound, I’m almost certain I loved you.
Decimate my meatscape. Drown me in your honeyed voice. Drown me in a tub full of candy. Pour some high fructose corn syrup on me. Smother me with your heavenly body weight.
Don’t talk to strangers, don’t talk to Anthony Hopkins and especially don’t talk to an island-based cult of women who worship bees.
Now that that cute barista knows your ridiculous order like the back of his hand, ask him out.