Today marks the seventh day of my thirty-one day prayer challenge and I read Ephesians 5:3-5. As I sat there praying to God reflecting on what I had just read something wasn’t settling with me, and I could feel the words that just came out of my mouth lying heavy on my heart. “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper of God’s holy people… For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a man is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.” Having read this made my stomach uneasy and my chest heavy to say the least, how did God see me through His eyes? Is He going to hold these past years of mine against me? Will He forgive my sins? These thoughts repeated themselves over and over again in my head as the minor panic attack ensued, until I decided to stop and pray for strength and guidance. That is when the lines “For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord” captured my eyes. Ah, yes, here was the answer to my prayers. The old Rebekah, who not too long ago lived in sin would bask in darkness; there is no doubt in mind about it. But since recently rising again and committing myself to living for Christ, He has been shining on me every day.
I continued to reflect on and journal these thoughts, thanking God for showing me His will again and that is when you popped into my head. I believe God was taking advantage of my eye-awakening state, because He decided to answer another prayer of mine with an additional revelation. I cannot believe I am about to confess this, but I am completely and utterly appreciative of the fact that you have yet to enter my life. Now please don’t be upset with me over saying this, because I do need you. But what it comes down to is how much more of Him I need than I do you right now. I can honestly admit that I am not the woman God created me to be, but I’m on way to be. Each and every day I am falling more and more in love with Christ as He’s shaping me to be the woman He’s designed. And although He has always been there with me, it’s still so early in this new relationship of ours for you to be a part of it. I’m afraid that if you were to enter my life while my relationship with God is still so vulnerable that I’d remove Him as the first and foremost love of my life. It is my greatest desire to have Him as the center of our relationship and if our feelings are only focused on each other then we risk pushing Him out. Instead, I pray that we continue to unite our hearts with Christ so that on the day He graces me with the gift of you, three hearts will become one. I’m anxious for the day we do meet though, however I want you to know that I don’t expect you to complete me or vice versa. We will compliment each other, as it God who will complete us.
I realize my journey of becoming a woman of Christ won’t be easy, what relationship is? I may be tempted to drift, but I’m confident that God will pull me back to Him and His word, and He will show me what true love is; preparing me for when our love story becomes reality. I’m ready to leave the empty pursuits of this world behind and pursue God’s heart for “a woman must be so hidden in God that man has to seek Him to find her”, so know that I’m praying for you as you pursue the Lord as well. And when you feel alone, or lost and want to give up remember that every day we live for Christ is one day closer to living the most beautiful love story He could have ever written solely and uniquely for us.
With all my heart,