1. Never, ever get plastic surgery done in the East Coast. Sorry New York ladies, but you guys are beginning to resemble my vintage Dooney whose days are numbered and sometimes you just can’t fight Mother Nature.
2. However if you ever do decide to get work, make sure to get it done on the west coast. I mean have you seen Lisa Vanderpump? Cue “Flawless” by Queen B.
3. If you ever fight with your husband then divorce is clearly the go-to answer, fingers crossed you’ll rebound with your own Eddie (paws off, I know Tamra).
4. But then again, don’t divorce your husband if he’s the reason your lips are as big as your boobs …ahem Alexis, I see you girl.
5. A career involving acting or singing will NOT develop from being on the Real Housewives, money may buy you class Countess Luann but it certainly won’t buy you a career in the music industry.
6. Having a dispute with a fellow housewife? Go ahead and pull that weave girl! Oh, but not Kim’s wig, gosh forbid we actually see what’s under there.
7. Your husband and you will never be considered a “dream team” until you file for bankruptcy; I’m rooting for you Teresa and Joe!
8. Fake eyelashes are a must; you aren’t a Real Housewife until you’re batting those inch-long babies.
9. It’s O.K. to have a nervous breakdown; quite frankly you aren’t a true housewife until you do. I mean it’s not like you won’t have a psychiatrist and if anything, you can always pull a Brandi and turn to your wine.
10 Make sure you have a psychic; if you don’t then you’re doing your dinner parties all wrong.
11. Any party I host must entail all of the following: 1.) Someone throwing a glass of wine on someone else, obviously there will be ample amounts of alcohol. 2.) Someone flipping a table, preferable before the food I cooked is served. 3.) Someone casting a spell on someone, disclaimer; if you’re reading this Carlton, please don’t hurt me.
12. When traveling with a group of housewives just know shit will always hit the fan, always. So make sure to pack that Swarovski crystal covered bible.
13. Never ever, EVER, dress you age. Always aim for ten years younger and if you need some inspiration just Google images of Joyce Giraud.
14. Nene is always and will always be queen, SLAY GIRL!