I’ve been working with children for several months now, and the more I spend time with them, the more I notice what sort of atrocities they get away with. They’re monsters: the whole lot of them…
I mean just the other day, I was having brunch with a mother and her 2-year-old son. Her son loves mini sausages, so after having about five of them, he turned to mom and asked for more. She asked, “another one? How many have you had?” to which he responded: “one.” EPIC. LIE!
Last time I checked, you can’t just plop yourself on somebody’s lap just because it’s story time or hug you at random or reach out for your ears because your earrings are shiny or kiss you goodbye. They should be arrested.
3. Being rude
Have you ever heard of being patient? Also, you can’t just grab my markers and start drawing crazy stuff all over the place—you can’t even draw.
4. Not being able to speak
What’s “pichu peechu??” Did you mean to say, “pink peach??” Try stringing together a sentence, maybe. I don’t know what you want if you just say “mommy.” Do you love your mommy want your mommy miss your mommy worried about mommy… WHAT DO YOU MEAN.
5. Farting shamelessly
How dare you fart audibly and then have the nerve to turn to me and announce that your fart was very loud… Come on now.
6. Giving up
Okay, just because you don’t feel like doing something, doesn’t mean you can just decide to lie down right then and there and not give a sh*t.
7. Laughing at inappropriate times
I’m not making a joke this isn’t funny STOP LAUGHING.
8. Crying at inappropriate times
Please, if you need to shed some tears, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Nobody wants to see that.
9. Thinking that the world revolves around them
A typical conversation with a small child usually goes something like this:
Me: “See look, this is a picture of a zoo!”
Child: “A zoo…. Hey, I’ve been to a zoo!”
Me: “Oh really, how nice!”
Child: “I saw elephants and giraffes and tigers…”
Me: “All right. One time I…”
Child: “And gorillas and bears and birds…”
Me: “That’s wonderful!”
Child: “I’ve also been to the aquarium and…”
Me: *Oh boy here we go*
~News flash~ I’ve seen all of that and MORE, kid.
10. Being painfully honest
I can totally hear you three calling me stupid for making a dumb mistake… That I made on PURPOSE so hah! The joke’s on you, suckers…
11. Being so ridiculously cute and/or hilarious and/or ridiculous 100% of the time