It was a gut feeling, an intriguing conversation, but most importantly a fascination that consumed my thoughts. After months of refusing to feel anything and running away from anything that mirrored a relationship, one conversation with him was a direct hit to the walls I believed to be so indestructible.
But despite this overwhelming feeling of knowing we could be something more, I couldn’t let myself.
Trusting anyone wasn’t really my thing anymore, and I came to terms with that a while ago. So I did what I always do, and decided to hook up with him—with absolutely no feelings. Easy right? Just another guy, another person to fill the void, another fling to take up my time for a couple weeks. But despite my greatest efforts, he was different. Despite my need to remain detached from what we were doing, I just couldn’t.
When I was with him, he reminded me of everything that I once craved and everything I actually wanted in a guy—a genuine conversation, a good morning smile, and someone who had goals they wanted to reach. Someone who was just as stubborn, yet understanding; as caring towards others, but still focused on himself; adventurous but content with where he is.
Most of all, he reminded me that I am not an “almost relationship” type of girl. He reminded me that the standards I held for myself were too high to just fool around with someone I didn’t really care about. He reminded me that maybe there still is someone out there that I could trust. And maybe, just maybe that person I trusted could be him.
I feel like we all have that one person—the one person who seemed to have the ability to make us forget how broken we were when we met them.
The one person who helps us forget about the past and helps us focus on the future. The one person who helps you forget about why you were ever guarding your heart in the first place.
So what does this mean? It means that despite what happens with the two of us I will be forever grateful for his appearance in my life. He helped me realize that you can’t ever be scared of new people or new starts because of your fear of being ripped apart again.
Life is about feeling alive and experiencing anything and everything—and whether we like it or not, pain will always be part of those experiences. Without agony and suffering we can’t grow. Pain is a funny thing because it makes us or breaks us, but when it does break us we never fail to put the pieces back together. Some pieces may get lost along the way or fit a little differently, but all that signifies is that you are a new better version of yourself.
So thank you, thank you for making me feel again.