Sometimes I find you again in the deepest corner of my mind, stashed away tightly, right where I left you.
You look a little different now. Your shoulders are broader, and your face fuller, scruffier. I can’t quite remember all the angles of your face right. I don’t really remember how your cheeks would look when you would smile or how perfect your teeth were. I can’t quite place your scent anymore, or redraw all the lines of your tattoos.
But when my mind meets your memory, my eyes close and I can almost breathe in your presence. It stays with me- like a beacon of light on a lighthouse, flashing every once in a while to remind me you’ve never left.
I feel your warmth next to me, the way your hand would grab mine and my whole body felt safe, completely enveloped. My energy meeting your energy in blissful synchronization; like two weary travelers finally finding a place to call home.
In these moments I think about what it would take for us to come together again. Many years have passed and I haven’t found a soul like yours. When we first met, our souls recognized each other, like they were made from the same matter. Perhaps the same colliding clusters of stars brought us forth and that is why my soul is constantly drawn back to yours. That is why I find you in even the dustiest corners of my mind that I’ve thrown under blankets and put behind locked doors. Because gravity; because our energies are one.
I always thought loving you would be easy and finding our way to one another would feel like putting on a glove that was tailored for every crevice of my hand.
Instead I find myself without you, desperately seeking a way to rid my memories of you while also fearing that if you leave for good, I’ll never know what it is like to stand in front of someone, my soul naked, exposed, and tragically understood.
With my eyes closed and my hands clenched, I allow myself, for a quick second, to wish that my thoughts would float up into the sky and meet with yours, and the universe will conspire to make our physical bodies meet in the same way our thoughts have. Because when minds align, when hearts aligns, there shouldn’t be a mountain too high or a sea too wide to bring them together.
But our mountains have been tall and our seas have been wide. So maybe, just maybe, if I focus on my thoughts and send them off with intention, they will fight geography on our behalf. Maybe our mountains will become small hills and our seas small rivers. Maybe, just maybe, our souls will win.
Even if I fall in love a million times over, I’m scared that corner will only ever be inhabited by you. And that our souls can’t navigate the universe’s terrain or when they finally meet, you’re calling another soul home already.
I open my eyes and look into the night sky, littered with twinkling memories, unanswered prayers, and all my abandoned thoughts of us. As each star continues to shine, seemingly mocking me for my childish dreams, I shake myself back into reality, drying my eyes as my callousness begins to creep back in and your memory starts to fade back into its corner. I lock the door and make a silent vow that I won’t ever open it again. Once again, I’m at war with memories.
Because as much as I hate it, my memory loves you; it asks about you all the time.