10 Truths About Dating That We All Need To Start Acknowledging
1. To my last online date…
I am pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, pro-death penalty, and anti-politics. But if I’m being honest, I hate politics and I don’t care which party. They each suck in my opinion. And while I’m at it, your obnoxious friend is anti-theist, not atheist.
Now that that’s out of the way, bring on the bi-partisanship!
2. To males…
Friend zones happen, we do it to each other all the time; stop acting like this is some male-specific cross to bear. I just don’t like you in that way; and sometimes, he just doesn’t like me in that way – circle of life. Shit happens. Disney needs to do a movie where no one gets shit and we all go home to masturbate.
3. To females…
Everything we do is for attention. Just accept it. You pretend to like Guinness the same reason I listen to the accountant drone on about how good he is at MMA; we like them. And that’s OK; just don’t convince yourself you actually enjoy any of it. My freshman self just looooooved video games. It wasn’t a good look. Trust me — we all know what you’re up to.
4. To couples…
Yeah, I really do want a relationship too. Your smug suspicions are correct, but let’s do us both a favor and pretend I didn’t say that. For all you know I’m perfectly happy eating funions naked while watching Law & Order: SVU. You and I both know relationships are hard work, so knock it off with the pitying unless you want to talk about why he doesn’t go down on you. Or we can talk about Detective Stabler, too; I bet he goes down.
On that note…
5. To my future sleepover…
You aren’t going to get a call back if at any point during the night you give me the “hand on the back of my head as you push my head towards your crotch” move. I’m not 16, if I wanted to blow you my mouth would be there. And, using your finger as a miniature version of your dick isn’t foreplay; I don’t need a pre-game mini fuck. How about sucking it up, and going down on me? I don’t go around craving a dick in my mouth; I give head because it’s polite and I’m not an asshole, like you Mr. “I just can’t do it, it’s not my thing.”
6. To the guys that do go down on us: thanks…
Seriously, that’s all I’ve got. You’re a beautiful rare breed, like a unicorn or a phoenix. Fly on, my beautiful friend; fly on.
7. To the dick pic I keep getting…
I get it: you have a penis. I don’t need a photo shoot à la Terry Richardson to convince me not to date you. There’s a reason we don’t all walk around naked. Unless I’m aroused and begging to see your throbbing member: knock it off. I don’t “owe you one” either; you sent it, and now my mom gets to “accidentally” find it while looking at ONE picture on my phone.
8. To my mother…
I’m single for now and you hated my ex; stop trying to set me up with every male I hang out with.
Obviously, since you saw that last sext, you know that I don’t yet have good taste. This “he’s a nice boy, why don’t you date him?” game is rigged. Yes! That’s the reason I’m single! Because I can just go up to a nice boy and say, “yes, I choose you.”
9. To that one guy…
Do you hate me?
10. To myself…
Stop droning on about wanting love. Go out and, like, run or something productive. Learn Spanish; we both know love definitely awaits us in Mexico. Just stay away from Juarez, you got stabbed there last time.