Modern Dating Is A Gut-Crushing Chore

I follow a lot of blogs dedicated to dating with the help of modern day technology-based matchmaking platforms such as Tinder, OK Cupid, or any multitude of online dating sites. Bloggers are always writing about searching for their Baby/Boo/BAE in a sea of ghosting, catfishing, and benching, trying to determine if they’re DTF, DDF, DTE, or if they have a GSOH IRL, then defending their said catch from thirsty THOTs while trying to establish if they’re FWB, NSA, or being slayed by DTR (translation below).

For those of you who are dating-lingo-illiterate: Bloggers are always writing about searching for [a significant other] in a sea of [communication abruptly ending], [persons lying about who they are], and [infrequent but consistent communication], trying to determine if they’re Down To Fuck, Drug and Disease Free, Down To Earth, or if they have a Good Sense Of Humor In Real Life, then defending their said catch from [horny] That Ho[es] Over There while trying to establish if they’re Friends With Benefits, No Strings Attached or being [hunted as a prize, where having sex is considered the kill] by Determine[ing] The Relationship.

Let me just take a moment to pause and reflect…. REALLY!? This is what our generation bases it’s dating life on? A bunch of acronyms that no one really knows the meaning of and has to ask Google to decipher?? I will just say: ISGIIACR. I’m So Glad I’m In A Committed Relationship. I don’t think I could put up with this nonsense. And kudos to those of you who do.

As you all may know, I met my Ex on the school bus (if you didn’t know, then you can read about it here). This was back in the day when online dating was still considered dangerous. I mean, I still believe this to be true, but that’s besides the point… When we first started dating, I had a flip phone that wasn’t on a texting plan (because my father insisted we didn’t need one). Since I wasn’t 16 yet, I was not allowed to officially date (is that still a thing?), so the only contact my Ex and I had was when we saw each at school or on the phone, calling one another when we were apart; I know, how very archaic.

I met my Fella at work. He was an instructor and I was an administrative assistant who would make copies for him and unlock his office when he misplaced his keys. Once we became friends, we started texting and before we knew it, we were living together.

So, as you can see, I’ve never needed to turn to apps or dating sites to find a mate. My only experience with dating apps is when my ex-best friend started using them after high school. Being the paranoid overprotective friend that I was, I always voiced my concerns with her meeting up with strange men. She always had an excuse as to why ‘this one’ isn’t a serial killer. He’s in the CIA. He’s a firefighter. He has a kid. He has a kitten. These are 100% authentic reasonings she gave me. She was the special kind of stupid, but I loved her anyways.

Over time, online dating became the norm (almost overnight really), but I never understood the appeal. I’m sure many people still share the same sentiment that meeting people ‘the old fashioned way’ is the ideal first encounter, whether it’s by running into them at a bar or attending the same function or meeting through mutual friends. But with the accessibility these dating tools provide, who wants to put in that much effort? Why spend time, money and energy to get dolled up, find a decent watering hole, just to spend hours chatting someone up to find out he/she is not ‘the one’ when you could just as well stay home and swipe left or right? What’s the point in putting yourself out there when you can post a perfectly edited picture with a short but witty bio and get a few matches instead of taking a chance that hottie will be at the bar and he’ll ask you for your number?

I’ve always been in monogamous relationships. Even throughout my dating rampage as a young teenager, I was vested in one person at a time… until I got bored and moved on. But I didn’t juggle boys like play things; not all at once, at least. Honestly, I wouldn’t have the patience, the stamina, the drive, to date multiple men simultaneously. I just don’t like people in general, so the whole suitor juggling act sounds nightmarish to me.

Also, are blind dates still a thing? Do friends set other friends up on dates who have never met? Is that crossing the line into ‘too much effort’ in comparison to the app or online dating scene? And speed dating… I heard about this illusive practice when I was younger, mainly in movies, but I’ve never seen one in progress. Does it still exist or has it gone the way of the dodo?

With the extreme transition ‘the norm of dating’ has seen in the last few decades, it makes me wonder: What is the future of dating going to look like in 10 years? In 20 years? Are we going to come full circle and have arranged marriages determined not by our parents, but by computers, based of course on manually inputting personality traits and finding matches determined by a preset compatibility algorithm? Are we, a species scientifically known as more polyamorous, going to do away with monogamy altogether? More and more adults these days are opting out of having children, so why get married at all? Why not continue the bachelor/bachelorette lifestyle of humping-and-dumping ’till the cows come home? Never in my life did I ever think I would write a sentence with the words ‘humping,’ ‘dumping,’ and ‘cows’ strung together.

Question for those of you who are actively dating: Are you in search for a spontaneous one-night-stand; to get your ‘O’ then go, or are you in search for Mr./Mrs. Right? Is it the same process for the two, only difference being… well, I suppose you could end up shagging at the end of the first date in either case… So how do you convey to your date that you’re in it purely for the sex as opposed to wanting to eventually put a ring on it? Who the hell am I? The sex. Who the fuck talks like that!?

I’ll tell you what… it’s a good thing I’m not single. I’m not sure I would make it through one date without scaring off a guy between how atrocious my tangents can be and my vulgar use of profanity. I’m quite the catch, really. At least, that’s what my Fella tells me.