Fast food. It’s a guilty pleasure we’ve all indulged in from time to time. But it’s so much more than that. These institutions are a part of our culture. So much so that they’ve developed their own personalities over time.
The last man I dated was the living embodiment of a Sonic Drive-in: He was lazy, nostalgic, had a thing for women wearing roller skates, and would put deep fried pie in everything if given the chance.
This got me thinking: Could the fast food nation be a guide map to dating? Does our “type” of man have fast food parallels? The answer is yes.
1. Burger King
He acts a little, well … entitled. He might not actively swan around wearing a crown, but that’s only because he doesn’t own one. He’s affable and social; people want to hang out with him. He’s got a playground in his backyard, and this is somehow not creepy, even though he doesn’t have any kids. He makes it work.
He loves a deal, making stuff into fries that shouldn’t be fries, and he’s got a weird friend who may or may not be a purple monster. When he tells you that the mayor of his hometown is a sentient cheeseburger, he isn’t tripping — he’s revealing dark, personal truths about his life.
This man is a little cocky. He doesn’t pressure you to get serious right away because he knows that once you’ve had a taste, you’ll keep coming back for more. You’ll leave his house going, “I usually only do that on road trips,” and he’ll just smirk knowingly and hand you an apple pie as you part ways.
A tiger in the sack, he also gets along well with children, constantly handing out small toys to those who pass his way. He often smells of day-old fry oil, but he does a lot of community service. You’d admire him more if he didn’t talk about it so much.
He’s probably 65 years old. I’d say he’s young at heart, but that’s not true. That said, what he lacks in viable erections he makes up with a secret stash of Werther’s hard candy that he keeps ever at the ready. He likes his presidential candidates fiscally conservative, his cars American, and his burgers square. You’re working out some daddy issues, but there’s zero shame in that game.
Well, he’s a little different, but he comforts you like no one else. He doesn’t have a lot of ambition, but he’s friendly and always ready to pop some week-old garlic knots in the microwave and pass out flat cokes when you’ve got company over. He probably doesn’t own a pair of shoes that aren’t sandals, but once you’ve worked your way into his heart he might sneak you a free stromboli every now and then.
This guy is meticulous. He’s so into order and routine that people frequently think he’s German (how do you like me now, Berlin?). He’s so hard to get to, you might feel like there’s always a wall of glass separating you from each other. He thinks he’s artistic, but his outlook is limited. In bed he’s about as wild as a six-inch of wheat, toasted. You yearn for something new, but you know he’s good for you.
6. Dunkin’ Donuts
He probably makes a lot of puns involving putting his old-fashioned stick inside your hole. He’s also a stickler for making the coffee. Sometimes he tries to be adventurous, but he’s happiest when he sticks with what he knows best — and you are, too.
This one is more of a one-night stand. You were lured into his bed because of his charming southern drawl and his heavenly buttermilk fried aroma. But then you woke up the next morning with a vicious hangover to find him sweetly asking if you want to join him at the next Westboro Baptist Church funeral protest.
RUN. There’s no chicken in the world sweet enough to make staying a good idea. And by chicken, we mean penis.