What Different Dating Apps Would Be Like As Boyfriends

Girl taking picture for dating apps
Unsplash / João Victor Xavier

If you’ve been single in the last three years you’ve used a dating app. I don’t care how “over it” you think you are. We all know you were wine drunk on Tinder, swiping until all the matches blurred together into one giant unsolicited dick pic.

Tinder

You meet him at the park. He has an adorable rescue dog you don’t know he borrowed from his friend. He made you chuckle three times and he’s cute in an obvious way, so why not go get a drink with him?

One drink turns to two, and two drinks turns into who can handle more shots. You’ve been at the bar for hours and are now nicely buzzed. When he asks if you want to get out of here you say yes because its hot and stuffy and the longer you stare at him the more attractive he becomes.

The next morning he’s polite, but distant, and you know that you’re never going to see him again. You leave in high spirits, only wishing you could hang out with that dog again.

OkCupid

Your friend sets you up. This guy is perfect for you, she says. He’s everything you could ever want. And in a way, she’s right.

He’s smart, is nice to the waitress, and reasonably attractive. You spend the night discussing music, friends, family, and even delve into politics without hating each other. On paper he’s everything.

But in person you don’t feel it. Who cares if he knows what a 401K is if he doesn’t give you butterflies? You think about kissing him at the end of the night, but instead go in for hug. You can tell by the way he looks at you that he doesn’t feel it either.

You wish him luck, and text him thanking him for the dinner. Maybe you didn’t meet the “one” but you did make a new friend.

The next day he sends you a picture of his dick. Friendship over.

Bumble

You don’t usually approach guys. You wait for them to approach you. But this guy is different. And you’re feeling extra cute. He seems kind of uncomfortable, like he’s holding back. Maybe he’s a serial killer? Or maybe he’s just shy.

You gather your courage and talk to him. He’s so sweet and respectful it blows your mind. You go on to date him and are amazed. He’s thoughtful and always checking in to see if you’re alright. But he refuses to make a move.

You asked him out, planned the date, and kissed him first. Just once you wish he would take control. Is it too much to ask for a little bit of unfiltered desire? He wants you to do all the heavy lifting, and frankly your arms have grown tired. Next.

Plenty Of Fish

You meet him on the street. Or rather he yells out a “compliment” and you don’t know whether to be flattered or insulted. He’s hot in that greasy kind of way.

He says he will pay you cash for pictures of your feet. You back away slowly.

You decide to hold off on meeting anyone new for a while. Maybe being single isn’t so bad. TC mark

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