To My Body, I’m Sorry

I should start by saying I’m sorry. I know this apology is probably way overdue, I meant to say it sooner but I didn’t have the courage. I know what I’m saying now doesn’t make up for what I did, but I thought I would try. The hardest thing to do is to admit when you’re wrong and try to make it right. This is me making it right.

I’m sorry for every time I looked at you with hate instead of love. The disgust I felt for you was cruel. And I’m tired of feeling suffocated by it. I’m sorry for feeling shame instead of pride, for hiding you instead of showing you to the world. You’ve been with me through every triumph and every failure. And instead of rewarding you for all you’ve done, I’ve punished you for what you haven’t. My greatest regret is not defending you properly. Instead of shielding you from the hate, I offered you up to be torn apart.

I wasn’t always so cruel to you. When you were young all I felt for you was love. Then you grew up. You got older and I learned that I was supposed to hate you. I felt a strange mix of pride and horror from the attention I got because of you. I loved you and despised you in equal measure. I blamed you for everything that went wrong in my life. How could I love you when it was all your fault?

I don’t feel that way anymore. I’m still learning how to love you. And part of that is taking care of you properly. I’m trying to make up for lost time, as cliché as that sounds. It’s not going to be easy. There will still be days when it will be hard to look at you. But I will never stop trying. I will never stop reminding myself of your beauty. Even if no one can see it, even if I can’t see it myself.