What I Actually Want To Say When You Ask Me ‘How Are You?’

When people ask me “how are you,” I don’t know how to respond?

I may have had a great day at work, but also found out that I am going to have to stay an extra semester to finish my degree. Am I doing well or am I feeling like I made a huge mistake studying abroad? Am I supposed to tell you all this? Do you even want to know all of this? Should I simply follow the social norm and smile while replying “I’m doing well”?

I rarely only feel one emotion at a time. Often it’s too hard to summarize my wellbeing in a few words. I try to focus on the positive, so I don’t bring people down in my negativity, but then I feel as if I am lying. Sometimes I needed to tell you in order to help me process what’s going on, but usually not until I am ready and I can trust you.

I usually have multiple inner conflicts within a week, but how are you supposed to describe that in terms of your wellbeing. People will look at you like your crazy if you say it blatantly.  If your mind, heart, and soul all desire different thing how does that make you feel?

I tend to practice self-reflection, so I am constantly evaluating myself. Lately, I have noticed that I have changed since arriving in Scotland. I have lost a core sense of my identity, for better or for worse. But that fact doesn’t sit well with me and I still don’t know how to describe the feeling.

When someone asks me how I am, I dream of ripping open my guts and screaming how I can no longer can answer their question. For I, no longer know who I am.

Of course most people just ask out of politeness, so it doesn’t even really matter how you respond.