1. Self Defense:
If you get cornered in a dark alley at night and you don’t have a gun, mace, a knife, a bat, a grenade, a bomb, a rape whistle, or a really fast pair of running shoes, then an umbrella is the next best thing. You can use it to bash your assailant over the head or you can shock your assailant by opening it up in his face. I’m sure he won’t see that coming. Unless of course he’s ever seen a movie. Then he will definitely see it coming.
2. As a purse:
Turn an open umbrella upside down and it becomes an instant purse. And if you can overcome a few glaring problems (i.e. the bulkiness, the lack of sides, the fact that you can’t put over your shoulder, etc.) then you are good to go.
3. As a Prop for Spontaneous Dance Numbers:
You don’t always know when the urge to break out in song and dance is going to hit, but when it does, you want to be ready. If there is one lesson that the great Gene Kelly taught us, it’s that.
4. To Avoid Unwanted Social encounters:
When you see someone coming towards you that you don’t want to talk to, simply open your umbrella, point it towards them, and slowly back away. Sure, they might think you’re crazy, but at least you won’t have to talk to them. That’s all that really matters.
5. Protection from a frog storm:
Alright so frog storms don’t happen all that often – the last one being twenty years ago on an episode of The X-Files – but my point is, they do occasionally happen and you need to be prepared for them when they do.
6. To Give Bad Luck to your enemies:
Everyone knows its bad luck to open an umbrella indoors. It ranks right up there with walking under a latter and letting a black cat cross your path. If you want to give your enemy bad luck simply open an umbrella indoors, toss it in their direction, then stand back and watch the bad luck happen.
7. To Fly:
Okay so this only works if you’re a nanny who goes by the name of Mary Poppins but if you’re lucky enough to meet that criteria, then an umbrella is the only way to travel.