I wanted so badly to despise you. I wanted to hate you with my entire being, because that’s what you do when you break up with someone, right? I wanted to rip off every inch of my skin that you touched. I never thought hearing your name would cause every hair on my body to stand up while my heart dropped to my stomach. I wanted to forget all the good times and outweigh them with the bad, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t bring myself to hate the person who once was my world, my safe place. I couldn’t bring myself to unlove someone who I loved so dearly.
The thought of losing you separated my heart from my soul, but look where we ended up. The thought of me losing your family hurt the worst. I never thought I would be sitting here writing this about you; I thought you were the one. I wanted so badly for you to be the one. But all good things come to an end. My one good thing in life came to an end in a blink of an eye.
I want nothing more than for you to be happy. I want you to feel like nothing in the world is against you. I wanted to be that person you couldn’t live without. I wanted to be your forever, but I couldn’t be. I wanted to be the person you came to when you had a bad day, but instead, you kept me in the dark and pushed me away. You pushed me to the point where I constantly asked if we were okay, and you would constantly say I was annoying for asking. Everyone has a breaking point, and I guess we reached ours.
My heart shattered when I found out you moved on. What hurt worse was finding out how quickly you moved on. It felt like my heart was in a million pieces, and those pieces where disappearing to only leave a hole in my heart, a hole so large I could not fathom what would ever be able to heal it. I just didn’t understand why or how. How could you claim to love me one day and give your attention to someone else the next?
I didn’t want to get out of bed, but I did. I did it to show you that I didn’t care, but I did. I do care. I will always care. My heart ached for weeks, and it still does. It always will. I sit and ask myself the same questions over and over again, and I’ll continue to do so until I understand. What does she have that I don’t? What does she do right that I never did? Why won’t I ever measure up to her? I come up with scenarios in my head that make me feel better, but I’ll never find one that really makes me understand.
I remember sitting with you and talking about us after we broke up. I had so many questions for you. I wanted closure. I needed closure. I told myself I would get the answers I needed. I never asked you those questions like I said I was going to, only because I was terrified of the answers. You said exactly what I didn’t want to hear.
It felt like a slow-motion movie. I felt my world crashing down with every word that spilled out of your mouth. You told me to move on. You told me you loved me, but you were with her. She was the one you wanted, for now. But I was the one three days before. How could I ever understand when you yourself didn’t?
You told me that you were no longer happy. I agreed because I had no energy to fight with you. I wanted to fight for you, but you closed me out. That’s when it hit me. That’s when I realized my sanity and happiness is what is most important. I needed to start doing things for me.
There comes a time when enough is enough. I can’t sit and dwell on you. I will always care for you. I’ll always cherish our memories and vacations together. I’ll never forget the dates, drives, deep conversations and nights in. I’ll even remember the bad days that I tried so hard to make better. I hope you will remember who was right there by your side when you asked me to be. I’ll never regret spending my days at your sporting events. I cheered you on then and I’ll continue to cheer you on now—from a distance, of course. Because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you break up.