For the many times I’ve been through the course of amity, I’ve seen how people come and go:
- Fast as their arrival was, so as their departure is.
- The little times of sadness are exchanged by little times of happiness, too, and,
- The more memories you had with them, the more torturing they are when gone.
Obviously, the relationship one had with another is what we call in Math as “Direct Proportionality”. And I had gone through a lot to claim that I’ve been so unfortunate because I’m a victim of those.
I don’t actually understand how it happens, how events or occurrences turn to be that way. All I know exactly is that, I’m being played. Like I was put into a battlefield, ready or not. And the only way I could keep up was to play what was prepared.
And I don’t like this.
But no matter how I don’t like this, I can’t do anything about it – even stopping it.
The way I see things, I know it’s not always coming my way. It’s like I swam into a river and then the current suddenly changes, and there’s nothing I could do but go with it. It’s like I was reading a book, the plot changes abruptly, so I just continue to read and read, hoping this new plot would turn out right.
In short, it’s something I’m not able and I can’t possibly control. The worst part of it is it’s badly manipulating me, turning me into someone who’s getting more and more afraid the more I get exposed to it. The more frequent I get myself involved with this, the more I feel fear. Or paranoia. Or worst, self-deterioration.
And I pity myself. So much that it eats up my pride and everything that goes with it.
I’m simply losing myself. My mind, my heart, my soul. My sanity. And my every purpose of living.
In the end, we always realize, we get what we deserve, not what we want. But why in hell do realizations like those come after every time? Why can’t it become a reminder moreover?
So as early as I wanted to remind myself and the people who would dare cross the threshold to my freaking life, as Jamie in A Walk to Remember had said to Landon before anything about them had happened, I quote, “Don’t fall in love with me.”