A Reflection From Social Media Rehab

For 20-somethings it can taboo, almost rebelling to not be apart of social media networks and even in a sense we tend to identify ourselves and gauge our self worth upon how many likes, friends and retweets we get. We have arrived at a time in history where vine loops and followers are the most sincere representation of a compliment that we are able to recognize. Hiding behind the glass menagerie beneath our fingers whole personas have been created. Like most other drugs the initial highs are exhilarating and intoxicating, but as any addiction goes they all seem to find themselves engulfed in a state of depression and isolation. I found myself there.

I felt like my social media addiction had put me at an ultimatum to bravely delete every single account (not just the app) or suffer a life of crippling solitude. I think when you find yourself re-reading the same tweets or compulsively updating your feed, it is time to pause and to become self-aware. I think when you find yourself hypnotized by your phone at a social gathering with live people present, it is time to become self-aware. I think when you find yourself literally cultivating thoughts to fit 140 characters, it is time to become self-aware. I found myself there but yet in even a deeper (and more saddening, in my opinion) place. I realized that the things that I prided myself on when I was a young child no longer seemed of merit. Being kind, curious and outgoing no longer seemed to describe me, instead I underwent this metamorphosis into a person who handicapped themselves by constantly watching, being involved from a distance. I became a person who prided themselves on tumblr notes and and likes on Facebook. It was flattering to know that I could share myself with my “friends and followers” and they would praise the things I would say and compliment the pictures I would post and I would camp out for them; keep the app open and watch the orange hearts work like nicotine in my brain.

Addicted to the constant validation, I would revolving my day around things that I believed would earn me a lot of life even if they did not necessarily interest me. And like most 20-somethings, most of us find ourselves in an abyss of self-identity confusion, but my social media addiction only worsened this state. I felt as if I had an inner war waging between the real me who wanted to plant a garden and talk with my relatives and another me-a more damaged, insecure, child me- that wanted to only do things that awarded them recognition from others. With this inner turmoil in turbulence, I felt myself retreating from my friends. For so long it seemed that my plastic social relationships had been my only connection with others and it seemed as I had unlearned how to be authentic with others, I had unlearned how to be in the moment, to feel confident in a social setting and I found myself facing social anxiety, to the extreme that I heavily considered taking solely online classes so that in every aspect of my life I could hide myself behind a screen.

Knowing the type of person I am, I know that if change must happen for me it must be extreme and abruptly introduced. I made a decision to have more meaningful experiences, to become brave and true to myself without feeling the need to paint a online facade for others. Though only weeks later I find myself far less anxious, I find myself sleeping better, I find myself feeling the true essence of life and contact with others instead of being distracted by the impulsive to check my notifications. I find myself chasing after meaningful hobbies that add substance to my life and projects that help my security by arriving at a goal. I find myself finding me.