I have no idea what women talk about when they are alone together—probably tampons, Instagram, YOLO, getting gang-banged, and gossiping about how much they hate Becky. On the other hand, we men have deep philosophical conversations pertinent to our lives. When I was working as a security contractor in Israel, we had a one-hour drive to our job site. With that came many grand conversations that would be a crime against intellectual thought if they were to be lost to time. Here’s one of them…
Raul: Let’s say you had to fuck one animal—which one would it be?
NavyBoy: Like you have to fuck one?
Raul: Yeah, like someone has a gun to your head or something and you have to fuck one, or they’ll blow your brains out. It can be any animal.
Hardjaw: Fuck, man, I don’t know. That’s a tough one.
NavyBoy: I think I would fuck a monkey. They are the closest to humans.
Raul: A monkey? Monkeys are fucking dirty as fuck. That’s fucking gross.
Hardjaw: Yeah, man, monkeys shit in their hands and throw it at you and have fleas and shit.
NavyBoy: Well, fuck. I guess I’ll have sex with a chicken. It’ll at least be very tight and it will flap all around and feathers will be flying all over the place. That would be exciting. What would you fuck, bro?
Raul: I think I’ll fuck a sheep. There’s got to be something to them if all those Haji fuckers fuck them.
Hardjaw: I would go for something more exotic. I’ll fuck a dolphin.
NavyBoy: A dolphin wouldn’t let you fuck it!
Raul: OK, new rule—the animal will let you fuck it.
Hardjaw: Yeah, man, I’ll fuck the shit out of a dolphin. Get in the water and shit, stick my dick inside its pussy and blowhole.
Raul: Blowhole head…fuck. Dolphins are pretty sexy.
Hardjaw: Yep, they sure are sexy.
Raul: Fucking looking all majestic and making cute little dolphin noises.
Hardjaw: Yeah, they enjoy fucking, too. You know, there are a lot of cases of male dolphins trying to rape female dolphins.
Hardjaw: Yeah, man, young male dolphins are bullies. They’ll go around in packs and attack lone female dolphins and rape them.
Raul: That’s fucked-up. She was probably asking for it, though, swimming around all naked.
Hardjaw: Yeah, they also try to rape humans, too.
Raul: Like that one episode of King of the Hill where Hank was almost raped by a dolphin.
Hardjaw: I remember that episode. The females feel pleasure, too. They’re horny as fuck.
Raul: I change my decision. I’ll fuck a dolphin.