3 Surefire Ways To Get Over Your Ex-Girlfriend

the photographs and mind of
the photographs and mind of

Your girlfriend, well, now ex-girlfriend has broken up with you because you acted like your bastard self. Whatever shit-head things she hated that you did, you kept on doing because you’re a shit-head. You don’t need to be coddled or be given the same old speech about how there are plenty of fish in the sea. You know that on an intellectual level, but it doesn’t make the pain in your heart any easier to handle.

What you really need is a plan of action in order to get over the she-devil who crushed your heart. There are various methods to this and most of them suck because they’re not realistic about how a man’s emotions actually work. We can be told to act all positive, happy, and not dwell on the past, but in reality, all we want to do is be with her, fuck her brains out, and then have our hand firmly on her ass while we lay in bed whispering sweet nothings in her ear. In an effort to help you remedy your heart being destroyed, here are three surefire way to help you get over that c*nt.

1. Consume Copious Amounts of Alcohol

There are times when you need to handle situations like a mature adult and be of sound mind, then there are times when you just need to get fucked up. Your heart is bleeding and in dire need of a fight and your liver is the perfect victim. Whether your poison of choice is a handle of whiskey like a southern gentleman or a 24 pack of Bud Lite like dirty a spic, relentless imbibing is a critical step in the healing process.

The male ego is a fragile thing and will get in the way of expressing how you truly feel. With alcohol coursing through your system, it allows you to lay your guard down and with it, all sorts of emotions will rush out. At times you’ll feel like crying in the fetal position on the floor. Others you’ll start throwing random items across the room and break shit. You may even write some heart wrenching poetry as skillfully as a 12-year-old girl while listening to Whiskey Lullaby 25 times. You’ll be an awful mess, but you must let out your heartache.

You’ll brood, thinking over and over again all the things the two of you used to do together. You’ll glamorize some aspects of the relationship and dissect others attempting to pin point the moment when it started to go awry. Your mind will become consumed with quasi sociopathic and schizophrenic thoughts:

“I miss her. I want to feel her close to me and feel the curves of her body as they she rests against me.”

“Fuck that bitch, I hope she burns in hell, stupid cunt.”

“I love her. I want to be with her and only her.”

“I want to fucking slit her throat.”

“No, I could never hurt her; she’s the love of my life.”

Your alcohol infused mind will keep on teeter tottering between love and hate. It will flash between sanity and insanity. You’re allowing yourself to feel those feelings, but it’s vitally important not to act out the violent parts of them.

2. Find a New Chick to Bang

You know all those chicks who were totally down to fuck you when you had a girlfriend? You’re a free man now, and its now time to shove that pleasure stick in some new poon. What about that one black chick you’ve been dying to plow? You know she is totally slutty and has been giving all sorts of hints that she is down to fuck. Text her now!

Damn, she isn’t answering her phone or returning your texts. No worries, you have a few other girls you can hit up, right? No? No other back bitches huh? Well, it looks like you’re going to have to get your pathetic ass out to the bars and pick up some random hussy.

When you show up to the bar you’ll realize that you’ve forgotten how to hit on women because you’ve been in a relationship for so long. Key point: Don’t mention you just got out of a relationship. Now approach that hot chick and talk to her. Oh, yeah, you’re not sure what say and its scary to coldly approach a woman. Don’t worry, just start drinking but only to that sweet spot where you don’t feel fear but can still form a coherent sentence. Now go on the prowl you valiant slayer of pussy.

You’re going to get rejected; accept it. Don’t worry as to why; just take your rejection like a man and move on to the next chick. Always hit on women in descending order from hottest to lesser levels of hotness. By the time you get to the 8th or 9th chick, you’ll be warmed up and you’ll be beyond the point of caring about the outcome. Once you don’t care about the outcome, you’ll relax and seem like a cool guy to the 9th hottest chick at the bar, which most likely will be a slightly above mediocre looking chick. Don’t worry, they have low-self esteem and seek validation by being easy in hopes someone will love them, a trait you can exploit. After you fucker her, show some common courtesy and try not let her see your disappointment when you realize she completely sucks when compared to your ex. After you’re bored of her, toss her aside, and keep on going out on more missions for strange pussy. Repeat as many times as needed.

3. Write an Angry E-Mail, Actually Send It

Drinking yourself into obliteration and fucking random skanks has made small but measurable progress in restoring your former self. Yet, you still feel the anger and anguish of a tattered heart.

There is this old philosophy that if you write an angry e-mail but don’t send it, it will make you feel better. That sounds pretty stupid. An alternative is to actually send out that mother fucker.

You’ve tried to be a rock, keep your composure, and not lash out. What has that gotten you? Just bitter loneliness with a side self-loathing while she’s probably out banging some other dude. Its time to send one final “Fuck You” to the wench.
Don’t be overzealous by writing some barely coherent prose full of spelling and grammatical errors. That will only get a roll of her eyes and a snicker. Bid your time and write something effective, tactful, and cruel. You know her well enough that you know what to say to make her hurt. Send it.

After that, there is no going back. You’ve written some vicious shit and with it, you’ve crushed any hopes of the two of you reconciling, which is exactly what you needed. Because its that hope that you may get back together that’s driving you mad. Now there isn’t any, you’re able to move on with your life and find a woman who truly fits you. You don’t want to be her friend, you don’t want her in your life, and you certainty don’t want to know how she is doing. Leave all your hatred out on the table without remorse, because fuck her, that’s why. Thought Catalog Logo Mark


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