What It’s Like To Find A Good Relationship When You Have Anxiety

It’s not you, it’s me.

There was a point in my life where all I could see in people was the good and if anything bad surfaces, I gave them excuses for it. But that attitude is now long gone.

Now I expect bad things from good people and constantly wait for good things from the people who have disappointed me over and over again.

The problem with convincing myself of this rationale is that sometimes… correction: rarely, correction: this once… people like you come along.

It’s been a while since we first met and the longer it’s taking you to disappoint me, the scenarios in my head of how you’ll eventually do it are becoming drastically worse.

Why do you always say the right thing?

Why don’t you overreact when something bothers you?

Why do you hold my hand when I’m only thinking it?

Please ignore. There are no answers I know, but I have these questions on the tip of my tongue every minute that we’re together.

I once asked you what being a good person means to you and I remember you struggling to find the words. You don’t know what it means to be a good person. You embody it.

Before I met you, I thoughts I had an idea of what it felt like to be with someone so understanding. After I met you, I said a shy hello to my idea in person and hoped I’d forever be looking into these eyes.

When will the dream end?

When will you prove my expectations right and my hopes wrong?

Please ignore. I shouldn’t be thinking this and you should never be answering such questions.

You’ve given me no reason to doubt.

I overthink and it’s a spiral of damaging projections. But don’t get me wrong because my negative thoughts are not a reflection of me, they’re a harmful method of self-preservation.

How do you accept the good when you’ve been hit with nightmares every time you’ve longed for fantasies?

How do you make peace with stability when you’ve always been saying good night to a person you’re not sure you’ll say good morning to?

How do you accept when it’s always been easier to reject?

How do you rid yourself of ideas of a person leaving when you’ve grown more comfortable with backs than faces?

Please don’t ignore. These are answers I need.

You’re a good person and frankly, it terrifies me. I don’t want to expect the worst and I don’t want to live on this beautiful mountaintop with you with a fear of falling off.

I know it’s not up to you to prove anything. I just wish for you to continue being yourself and I wish I find it in myself to shred every bad expectation to pieces before they reach us.