I waited for days and months. I waited for an apology that never came.
You said you’re sorry, yes. You said it multiple times. Once, over dinner when you tried winning me back, and once over the phone when you broke down in tears also trying to win me back.
That’s all you said. But see, this wasn’t an apology and it never will be.
I’m not trying to be hard on you and I don’t seek any sort of revenge but the truth is: you don’t know what you’re apologizing for.
So, saying you’re sorry is more hurtful to me than you not apologizing at all.
Because it’s what you think I want to hear. It’s what you think I’m waiting to hear to run back to you.
This isn’t what I wanted to hear, and I never wanted you to break down. Yes, I wanted you to try and win me back but I was never going to concede to your efforts.
If you knew what you needed to apologize for then maybe just maybe I would’ve thought that you were able to take away the hurt I endured.
But even after a year, you couldn’t pinpoint the exact things that led me out of your life.
What was your “sorry” for?
Was it for the time I went through a whole dinner with you while you spoke of your past like it’s the only highlight of your life? Like I’ll never measure up to it?
Or was it for the times you took me on silent road trips after promising all the fun we’ll have? Road trips where you wore a blank face making me think I had done something to upset you but I never knew what was on your mind.
Oh wait, I think I know. Maybe it was for the times you spent full days without reaching out? Because inconsistency was your middle name.
I’ll tell you what. I think the “sorry” might have been for all the times you avoided meeting my parents because God forbid you commit to something you knew was temporary but wasn’t man enough to say so in the first place.
Sometimes, I think it must’ve been for the time you disrespected me in front of your friends. But no, you’ve always denied that one.
Maybe it was for the manipulation? The toxicity?
You never mentioned what your “sorry” was for. So, I had to convince myself you had the slightest idea what you wanted to apologize for. Just so I could turn that page once and for all.
So, I waited. Past tense.
Here’s why I don’t need an apology from you anymore.
My yesterdays were all yours, hell- I even fight my todays sometimes from being yours. But not my tomorrows. My tomorrows are mine.
I don’t need an apology because you were too late. And you can’t apologize for what you intentionally did over and over again. You can’t apologize after multiple chances. You can’t apologize for being lousy at making someone feel special. You can’t apologize for not trying when you needed to.
But these aren’t the only reasons.
I don’t need an apology from you anymore because I already apologized to myself for choosing you over me.
I apologized to myself for not walking away sooner. And I praise myself now for finally doing so.