The Pain Of Being With You Made Me Grow More In A Month Than I Have In Years

Woman alone in water
Matthew Kane

You’re not the one for me and I’m definitely not the one for you, because if I were, you would’ve tried harder to keep me.

Despite what you think, I gave you everything I could possibly give in the time I knew you.

I messed up so many times in such a short period of time, but it was all for my own good. I’m aware that my mess-ups were of no benefit to you, and this is why I’m writing you a thank you letter.

It’s because you gave me the space that I truly needed to date someone, to make mistakes and be myself, unapologetically.

I would never ask for anything more from you, although I wanted the whole nine yards with you.

We all define love differently. We define love the way we’ve experienced it. And the two of us could not have more polarized experiences with it.

That’s why I accepted everything you said and did. I absorbed all your hidden hurt, frustration and disappointment. I made it all my own. But you weren’t there to do the same for me.

You always thought you had enough to cover for the both of us. But that left me emptier than I was before you.

Thank you, regardless.

You taught me that sometimes we fill a void with new travels, new friends, and sometimes new love. But no matter what we try to fill it with, it’s still a void. And it will cease to be only if we fill it with acceptance.

Acceptance that: this too shall pass.

I couldn’t be more grateful for the heart-to-hearts every now and then. They made me realize what I’ve been missing out on.

I would never blame our lost opportunity on time, place, or any circumstance. We just happened to find temporary comfort in each other’s presence, even if just for a little while.

It was a presence that I tried so hard to surround you with, to keep you secure and happy. But it gets more and more difficult to keep it up when it’s not reciprocated.

I needed to be surrounded as well. But the more I preoccupied myself with you, the less time I had for myself.

I don’t blame you for not taking me in with all my flaws. You made it clear from day one that you only wanted to see the positive side of me.

That’s what I gave you. All the good and very occasionally a glimpse of the bad.

You disregarded my need for reassurance and compassion. You were in no position to give any of that to anyone. You had enough to deal with internally and you needed everything external to be perfect.

But this is why it’s not because of time, place, or anything else. It’s because I’m not perfect and I never intend on being.

I’m not all sunshine. And you’re not capable of putting up with my rain.

But thank you, regardless.

With you, I learned that the next person will have to absorb the way I define love as much as I absorb their definition. Because loving someone new means loving everything they’ve been through.

What makes us human is that we don’t have a reset button. We are the full package: past, present, and future.

Thank you for not falling in love.

But thank you for not falling in lust, either.

You were the perfect balance of a good conversation and romantic getaway.

But that’s not enough, it’ll never be enough for me. I’m more than words, cozy nights in, and manic laughs. I’m also deep wounds, healing processes, faith and silence.

Thank you for not taking me as a whole. Because now I know that I need to do that for myself first before I expect anyone else to.

Thank you for putting on the careless, spontaneous face all along.

It made me realize how much it matters for me to have someone who shows care every second of the day. It made me understand how demanding I am and that’s only because I’m willing to do the same.

You made me grow more in a month than I’ve grown in years.

All I can hope for is that I’ve done the same for you in a small, resonant way.

Because you deserve it. You’re worthy of all good and that’s not arguable. But so am I and that’s why I needed back what I gave you.

Not physically, not mentally. Just emotionally. The unspoken care and less of the “whatever” attitude. Because that’s not what I thought of you.

Thank you, regardless. TC mark

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