Studies were your priorities. Falling in love was never.
You devoted your time not on spending it on having flings like normal teenagers do but on reading, writing, even researching that you say, can be “beneficial” for you in the long run. You extend studying hours from school to your home. That’s how determined you are. Your eyes are lock set on your goal; to graduate with outstanding records. Until someone came, and brought your world into a much different light.
She made you laugh, ‘til you’re unable to breathe.
She made you spill all your rants about your life.
She made you feel that someone actually cares.
She made you see the world the through her eyes.
You then started to exchange studying hours, with time spent conversing with her. You went home later just so you can be with her. Even time with your friends were compromised. You enjoyed her company, you pointed. You’re losing it, as you lost your sight on your original goal. You thought you like her. You said to yourself you love her. You thought she is worth it.
These feelings started to go out of hand. You can no longer contain it. Until you finally decided to put it out there and tell her. You thought it was mutual, what you don’t know is that it will never be the same way for her.
She broke you. She abandoned you.
She made you feel alone, ironic, because she’s the very person who made you feel you’re with someone, always. She made you feel you’re not worthy. She made you feel you’re less than what she deserved.
She torn you just right after she made you whole.
You pitied yourself. You started to pick up your broken pieces’ whole new again. But you know that even you did, you can never be the same way again. You started to spend more hours on your usual studying routine, you said you just wanted to bring back lost time spent on nothing. You doubled your efforts and stick to your initial plan. You’ve stepped up your game. You’re back on track.
She was happy for you.
Delighted how she saw you being your usual self again. She was ecstatic to see you getting better. She hurt you, she knows it. And seeing you getting over the pain she caused, brought her nothing but joy.
She’s aware you’re the kind of man her mom would like her to marry. She believes you can surpass “the” standards. She’s just afraid to not be able to give what you can. She’s afraid she can’t keep up. She’s afraid you might just like her for who you thought she is. She’s afraid of gaining and losing shortly. She doesn’t want you to suffer. For her you were her best friend. You are a man she thought to herself, she can trust. A man she can be utterly honest with; which is very rare. And she doesn’t want you to deal with all her these uncertainties.
She likes being with you, but at one point, it started suffocating her. When you told her you love her, you thought she’d be happy. She did, not until she realized how she was not ready to open up herself; her imperfections, insecurities, flaws, to you, or to anyone. She freaked out, her mind is clouded, blank. The idea of being with anyone scares her so she dragged you off her life hardly as she can. She knows her tendencies so she wanted you out before things get complicated. You thought you might not be enough, when in fact, she’s just being her, always afraid of trying.
She didn’t try to reach out, she worries you might lose your focus, and be in pain again. That being the case, she would gladly keep a distance, though this means losing a reliable friend in you.
She loves you but not in the same way as yours. She can’t, she’s unable. Because she, is as broken as you, as miserable as you when you first saw her.
But it doesn’t mean nobody else will. She’s just a wrong choice. She didn’t give you a chance, not because you’re not worthy but because she knows she’s not. She’ll never.
Live your life without her, love who deserves you. You’re worth taking risks but it’s not for her to do; not for me to do.