Maybe I Lied And Said I Forgive You

I guess the only way to forgive you was to stay as far away from you as possible. I guess I had no choice because the closer I got the worse it all became. The reminders, the triggers, the pain and the wounds that I thought had healed. But here’s what I learned, the wounds heal only when you’re away, only when your voice is not in my head, only when you’re far away because every time I see you, I can’t help but ask myself how?

How did you do it all without feeling guilty that you abandoned me when I needed you? How do you have the audacity to look me in the eye and attack me when you’re the reason behind my deepest scars? How can you ask me to forget what haunted me for years? How do you expect me to make my heart whole again after you’ve shattered it to pieces time and time again and went on with your life as if nothing ever happened?

You tell me that you don’t want to hear about it anymore, that you did your part but the truth is you didn’t, you only mended the broken pieces after I no longer needed them. You only apologized after your apology meant nothing. You only showed up for me after I learned how to do it all on my own. I only felt your presence after years of getting used to your absence. Sometimes when you teach people how to live without you, you also teach them how to never ask you for support again. You learn that they’re not who you go to for help or advice or love.

I guess the only way to forgive you was to erase all your memories and maybe the good ones got erased too or they lost their charm because the pain clouded everything else. Maybe you think you forgave someone or you’re over the pain they caused you until they say something or do something that brings back all the unspoken words, all the unfinished business and all the unanswered questions. The truth is, you can’t truly forgive someone who never tried to fix what they broke, you can only accept them for who they are and hope that one sweet day, time will heal all wounds and somehow you will find it in your heart to respect them or love them again, at least a fraction of the way you used to.

I think the only way to forgive someone who doesn’t understand how much they hurt you is to build a huge wall between you two so that you can be certain that they will never come close to hurting you again.

Writing makes me feel alive. Words heal me.

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